It’s Been a Ride...

For all of those who have been reading this blog for a while now, you know that I am separated and have been for more than two years. The first year and a half was nothing short of hell.

I used to apologize for my pain, for writing about it. I felt bad much of the time, bad that I couldn't get thru this faster. That I wasn't angry when many of you, many of my friends and family were. I admit, there were times I wanted to end my life, and yet, ending it was never a sincere choice as I had a little boy scrambling around my feet, who's well-being depended upon a stable mother.

In Spring of 2010, my husband of 11 years had left home without an explanation. He came home on Sunday and told me it was over. Tuesday he had an apartment, told me there was hope, but only a little. On Thursday, he was moving out and I had come home for lunch. I knew when I'd get home that day at 5, he'd be completely gone. I stayed out of his way as he and his friends moved him out. I was about to get into my car to return to work and we said our good-byes. He walked away. In a moment later he came back, grabbed me, and held me and cried. We cried together. “Just hurry up and do what you have to do, and then come back. We are both here waiting for you. Just come back someday.” That was the last I “saw” of my “husband”. When I got home, he was gone. No explanation. No reason. No talking. Just gone. He moved into a temporary apartment at first. After his 4-month temporary living arrangement expired, he found an apartment on the other side of town. A nice, moderate apartment, modern, with a pool, tennis courts, etc. He beefed up. He got a tan. Bought new clothes. You know, the typical mid-life crisis type of thing. Dated. Was adversarial, unkind the whole time.

I did what I could to take care of myself. I got dressed (barely) each day. I got my son dressed and fed, acting as if nothing had happened. As soon as he was inside day care, I return to my car in tears, crying the entire way into work, cleaning up my make up before I walked in the door. If you think I am exaggerating, I am not. This happened nearly every day for a full year. I had enough in me to push this aside to take care of Oliver. I fed my son 3 really healthy meals a day. I loved up on him. I cried in silence, away from him most of the time. I slept very well each night, not with any sort of sleep aid, but mainly because I was so exhausted by the end of the day from trying to keep it all together.

I couldn't eat. I went from 146 to 113 in a matter of months. Luckily I had food in the freezer so I could feed Oliver. I sought medical help and with certain aids, my appetite came back altho I never once stopped crying each morning when I woke up.

Finally in September of 2011, about 18 months later, he told me he had made up his mind and wanted nothing me to do with me. He wanted a divorce. I wont go into details, but suffice to say it was not a kind conversation. I was at work. I was in tears. I had to leave.

From the minute he left home (with a two month exception in September-October 2010), he was a beast. Mean. Unkind. Hurtful. Cold. The way he told me it was finally over was no exception.

I had never said a bad thing about him on this blog and as many of my friends will attest, they never heard me bash him in the least. I wanted him back more than life itself.

All of this was so painful I cannot tell you how badly I wanted to end my life. This man had turned on a dime. He was there one moment and the next, gone. No discussion. No explanation. No time to talk. If you would have knocked on my door to tell me he was dead it would have somewhat felt the same, altho at least then I would have been spared the unkind actions, words and all that rejection. The hurt was in my face constantly. I could not see past my own pain. The pain was turning me inside out. I hurt like I had never hurt before. I had many friends leave, many friends get sick of hearing me, many friends turn their backs. I was trying to battle this gunfight with a knife. I had the wrong friends to help me, the wrong tools under my belt.

I finally found different sources to help me. There are programs out there for those who are struggling with a spouse who leaves. That was what I needed. That was the affirmation I needed. It wasn't easy stuff, but it helped me realize that the pain I felt and the length of time I felt it was NORMAL. Here me out there? NORMAL! And every bit of it was OK to feel!

Last October, I finally let go. I decided was free. Free to move on. I left the past behind me and started to look toward my future. (And I've been doing so ever since until 2 weeks ago, which I will explain below.)

I started to date a bit. Just a little. Slowly. Casually. I went out with a few men. I met a few whom I had become friends with. Nothing serious. Just friends.

There was one in particular, and he and I are friends today. He didn't meet Oliver for quite some time. In fact, he recently just spent the day with me and Oliver, almost 10 months after we became friends.

My X and I were friendly to each other as of April of this year (2012). I have never, not once, taken my son away from him. I have split Oliver 50-50 the whole time. No courts have been involved with that. I was completely compliant and easy to work with. My X stopped paying for many things (not everything). And yet, I never went after him for anything.

I don't know much about my X's personal life. I don't know who he hangs out with, what he does. I didn't even know where he lived until today: September 29, 2012.

Here's the catch—the absolutely unexplainable thing that has just happened. Two weeks ago while my X was vacationing in Florida on the beach, my son told me about my X's new girlfriend, how much time Oliver spends with her, how he is left alone with her, and so much more. I asked my X about it earlier this year (Oliver brought her up in April) and he denied it. Then I saw her on FB two weeks ago after my son told me about her again, and her posts confirmed that my X was her BF. OK, so he's dating. So he lied. Big deal.

Here's where I stumble:

She's in her 20's.

I'm in my 40's.

They've only been dating a few months. It took me 10 months to allow Oliver to spend time with the man I am seeing.

I just about died. I am beside myself again and I can't explain why. This is on the cusp of a new custody arrangment that I changed up. I was so angry that I didn't discuss the new arrangement with my X. Now he is fighting me. Now it's about to get ugly. VERY UGLY. VERY VERY VERY UGLY.

I just ask for prays that I feel OK about who I am, my age my body which is back to 145lbs. I ask that I feel less anger and am willing to try to comprimise. I beg GOD to touch my X's soul and grant him compassion, tolerance and understanding for me. I BEG GOD to allow this new custody arrangement to stay in place because it's in Oliver's best interest.

And I ask that God remove fear and jealousy. I don't understand it. I really don't.

I just wish all of this would go away.

For those of you even remotely considering leaving your spouse, unless there is physical abuse, please find a way to work it out.

The pain this causes on both ends is too much. I said some things today, in front of my son, and I know it hurt him. My son is being hurt. This is going to get so ugly. I wish I could tell you all the details but legally I cannot.

Please keep us all in your prayers. Oliver that he stays out of it. Me that I be relieved of the incredible pain I've been feeling for 2 weeks now. Matt that his heart softens.

Thank you.


  1. You are in my prayers. I have a son who is your age, and I am married, and I feel so much love for you. I will pray for tolerance and amicability and God's will.

    1. Thank you. If it becomes amicable again, THAT will be a miracle, truly.

  2. These roller coaster situations come and go, especially in the first few years. As hard as this is going to sound, forget the girlfriend exists. And get counseling involved sooner than later. The fact is marriage falls apart for lots of reasons. The biggest and vilest is emotional abuse. Just because it's not physical blows doesn't mean it can't kill you.If you ask me, Matt has shown how abusive he is towards you and you could be grateful to be freed from something so horrible. Know why the girl is in her 20's? She is too young to know better. We like to sweep emotional abuse under the rug. Hey as long as he doesn't hit you, you're OK? Wrong. Years of emotional abuse destroy a person. You are going to be ok. You need to remember that you are not always going to get things exactly how you want them but as long as you do your best with whatever ends up happening, Oliver will be fine and so will you. Xoxo

    1. Mutant, I know your story and you are right about the abuse. I know I get on my high horse. Maybe I was on the other side of the line. Matt was never abusive. Not once did he call me a name. Not even after he left. He's not verbally abusive. After he left, he was just never nice and he treated me like I was a sick sick sick woman. He had no respect for me. He built up some respect this past year. And after what I did and said to him in front of Oliver which was completely uncalled for (on my part) he has lost all respect for me and thinks I'm crazy and psycho. When I get angry, he considers me crazy. I can't tell you how much that hurts. He can't see the good n me, only the bad. And THAT is what hurts.

    2. Oh, what do you mean by counseling? I am in counseling. Is that what you meant?

  3. It is so easy to feel your pain having been through a similar situation years ago. These ups and downs will drive you crazy if you let them. I always told myself "I don't want him to win". It's hard to see you in this place when you seemed to be doing so well. Just keep doing your best and be available for Oliver. Both of you will be fine, even though right now it doesn't feel like it.

    1. Thank you so much for your comment. I just want him to respect me and to acknowledge how much he did that was hurtful.

    2. don't let yourself be "sick" while waiting for him to decide to respect you or acknowledge anything because that may not happen. Just keep taking care of yourself the best that you can.He obviously knows what to say to "push your buttons". Don't give him ammunition to take to court.

  4. My sweet little sister, Matt was abusive to you. I saw it the day after you were married. You just called it a different name. Grumpy is the name I think you used. I bet there were many times behind close doors that he was abusive and you didn't want to talk about it. I don't need to go on...but I would if I new he would read this. Why would he go on a vacation to Florida (in the summer...what an idiot) and not pay child support? Why would he dump his kid off on some young girl when it is suppose to be his time with him. Consider not giving him my nephew until there is some court that decides when he can go and who takes care of him. By the way, why wouldn't he pick a young girl to date...he needs someone to boss around and she's perfect for it. And don't you believe that this one is going to last. And as far as being respectful to you...he was never respectful to me, I've heard how he was respectful to others in the family, and I saw his disrespect to Aunt Marge. How disrespectful was telling his niece not to come to the United States because he would not put her up in his apartment? He is not a respectful person. Nothing respectful can come out of him. He is a real piece of work. The best thing you can do is file for divorce and get an attorney to get every last penny out of him that he/she can. Too bad he doesn't go back to where ever he came from and stay there. Too bad for the young girl that he is dating that doesn't know any better.


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