Relocating my Head (Quarters)
This job stuff is tough on the ol’ noggin. It’s a roller coaster ride and it’s only been a week and a half! I should be enjoying this “time off." But well, I have not been sleeping well and have had a few crazy moments in between the bouts of restlessness.
I told you guys, I think, that I have been seeing someone. I haven’t shared much about it here on RP out of respect for the other person.
Let me tell you, when the wind is knocked out of your sails, you start to act funny in every area of your life. Everything seems to be about me. And it’s not, I get that. But it sure does seem that way.
That’s why there’s a post back there questioning my own sanity, my own self worth. Loss takes a toll. I lost a lot in the last couple years. And yet, the way I’m acting is par for course.
Of course I’m not insane, altho it sure feels that way. Of course I’m doing crazy things, altho I’m so hard on myself for any mistakes I make.
The relationship is no exception. I sometimes think it’s too soon for me to be dating anyone. There’s so much near the surface. I act on impulse instead of well-thought-out plans. And then I beat myself up for not acting like the age that I am. Which, by the way, changes tomorrow. Tomorrow I have a birthday.
I’m sad. I really really am. The glass seems half empty, and it’s not that God has not given me the most precious and lovely life. It’s me. I just can’t seem to get past all the flaws in my character. I can’t seem to get past all the shit. I can’t seem to NOT take things personally. And I do, really really wonder if my life will ever be happy and good again — if it ever was.
The demon I battle is that I don’t feel I am a good, stable, secure, happy person — OR MOTHER! What mother does what I’ve done recently? (I dragged my son out of bed the other night to go...) I used to think I was happy, stable, secure and a good mom. But these days I sure don’t.
I need help. I need a boost. If you have something uplifting to say, I hope that would help. I also need to relocate my head quarters too, not just my head. So I’m off to get work done in a place that is much less distracting than my own home.
I need that “Peace that transcends all understanding” today. Please pray big for me. I don’t ask often. I need your prayers today. The big guns. There is no peace in my heart today. I’m battling some pretty self-defeating thoughts about what a crappy you-know-what (fill in the blank) I am. I’m hoping a change in scenery will help me accomplish job-search-related tasks today. I swore I would not spend my days in bed, and I haven’t. But man, do I ever feel like curling up into a ball.
Love, andrea
I told you guys, I think, that I have been seeing someone. I haven’t shared much about it here on RP out of respect for the other person.
Let me tell you, when the wind is knocked out of your sails, you start to act funny in every area of your life. Everything seems to be about me. And it’s not, I get that. But it sure does seem that way.
That’s why there’s a post back there questioning my own sanity, my own self worth. Loss takes a toll. I lost a lot in the last couple years. And yet, the way I’m acting is par for course.
Of course I’m not insane, altho it sure feels that way. Of course I’m doing crazy things, altho I’m so hard on myself for any mistakes I make.
The relationship is no exception. I sometimes think it’s too soon for me to be dating anyone. There’s so much near the surface. I act on impulse instead of well-thought-out plans. And then I beat myself up for not acting like the age that I am. Which, by the way, changes tomorrow. Tomorrow I have a birthday.
I’m sad. I really really am. The glass seems half empty, and it’s not that God has not given me the most precious and lovely life. It’s me. I just can’t seem to get past all the flaws in my character. I can’t seem to get past all the shit. I can’t seem to NOT take things personally. And I do, really really wonder if my life will ever be happy and good again — if it ever was.
The demon I battle is that I don’t feel I am a good, stable, secure, happy person — OR MOTHER! What mother does what I’ve done recently? (I dragged my son out of bed the other night to go...) I used to think I was happy, stable, secure and a good mom. But these days I sure don’t.
I need help. I need a boost. If you have something uplifting to say, I hope that would help. I also need to relocate my head quarters too, not just my head. So I’m off to get work done in a place that is much less distracting than my own home.
I need that “Peace that transcends all understanding” today. Please pray big for me. I don’t ask often. I need your prayers today. The big guns. There is no peace in my heart today. I’m battling some pretty self-defeating thoughts about what a crappy you-know-what (fill in the blank) I am. I’m hoping a change in scenery will help me accomplish job-search-related tasks today. I swore I would not spend my days in bed, and I haven’t. But man, do I ever feel like curling up into a ball.
Love, andrea
Hey Andrea,
ReplyDeleteI'm not sure if it's the job loss, the guy, or what. If you let those negative thoughts take control, they can really pull you down.
Sounds like you pulled your son out of bed to go do something you are not proud of. It sounds like a good mom to me. A bad mom would have left that child at home, alone. You set out to do something, and you had an itch to do it. Whether it was the store, the beach (to meditate/pray), to work things out with the boyfriend (that's what it kind of sounds like), it's OK! Don't let ANYONE make you feel bad for that. You took your son with you. THat makes you a GOOD mom!
Losing a job even if it's just b/c of the economy is difficult. You are not unstable. You are crazy wild about life. That means you are a spit fire! A hare if you will (not the tortoise!)... does that make sense?
You're a good woman. Anyone who reads this blog for the longest time sees how you are strong. So you have a few break downs. So you let loose. SO you make mistakes. WE ALL DO. THAT IS THE NATURE OF LIFE. WE SCREW UP SOMETIMES. I dont know that you screwed up. I know you are not a druggy or a drinker. You're an amazing mother. You love that boy. Your heart's been broken by the marriage loss. Your heart hurts because of a friendship betrayal. You just lost a job. Sounds like you'll be losing your home. Your boyfriend and you are having a rough time (it sounds like).
Girl, as long as he stays by your side and treats you with kindness, that's what matters. If you have a man in your life who adores you --- and he should, my god youre beautiful!!!! --- you're OK. You'll find a job. It's rough out there, but you're smart. And that man of yours had better know it, because for as crazy good as you are, you are allowed to have those break downs and act really really crazy. WE ALL DO IT from time to time. You've got a lot going on. If the relationship is helping you, if he cares about you and supports you, keep it up. If not, let him go. If you're acting bad, say your sorrys and move on. If he can't forgive you for being short or whatever it is that is taking a toll on you two, then let it go.
Now, that's my two cents. So much easier said than done. I pray that the Great Spirit takes your pain away, gives you clarity, brings peace back into your blessed and sweet life, that you remain in good health, that you son has lots of laughter, that you find what you're looking for, and that the gentleman you are with treats you with more love and kindness than you think you deserve. Because you deserve so much. I look up to you. I have been reading RP for years. I've watched you. This is just a blip in the road. You'll be OK... more than OK. You'll be great. You'll be loved. You'll be employed. And your son is just so amazing -- a reflection of YOU!
LOVE YOU LOTS,
A
I am praying for you today, Andrea. You will come out of this fog and the glass will start looking half-full. Let me repeat, you WILL come out of this. You WILL be happy again!
ReplyDeleteSometimes when I am feeling caught up in myself- worrying about my own situation, questioning who I am, etc... it is helpful to me to do something for other people. Could you and Oliver go out this weekend and take some canned food to a food pantry? Maybe some clothes you need to get rid of to a women's shelter? Could you take some dog food to the Humane Society? These things seem tiny, but doing something for someone else always helps me gain some perspective.
Whatever it is you are walking through, you aren't alone.
xoxo
Kelly
Again, I don't know you, but I've been reading your blog and I pray for you today.
ReplyDeletedon't be so hard on yourself?
My dad would often tell me when I start beating myself up to stop and really pay attention to what I'm telling myself. I'm not a good mother? Really? What evidence is there to support that? What evidence is there to contradict that? Is that really a fair judgment? I'm ugly? I'm unlovable? I'm stupid? I'm unlucky? And on and on.
ReplyDeleteThere's guilt and then there's shame. You can feel guilty about something you did but never be ashamed of WHO YOU ARE.