Day Three

I watered my garden today and wondered why I had planted any new flowers this summer. Chances are we may not be in this house past next spring. I’m not sure I can count on life being stable anymore. I thought of how much my life has changed in the past two years. Four years. Five years really.

Five years ago I had a different relationship with myself than I do today. Five years ago I was content in my marriage. I was solid in my job. I spent a ton of time alone, not the recluse type, but the focused, solid, completely happy serene kind of time alone. I did what I wanted. When I wanted. For as long as I wanted. I was limited only by sunrise and sunset.

I rarely get time alone now. I’m up each morning, hustling to get ready, get Oliver ready, pack lunches, get to work on time, avoiding the local law enforcement as I speed off to wherever. I’ve been issued more moving violations in the past 12 months than I have in my entire driving career. Whitefish Bay police know me by name. After work I hustle to get Oliver, hustle to pick up dinner, hustle to get dinner made while entertaining a child who vies for my attention. I weave in some laundry, hustle to get my son showered and ready for bed, coercing him into bed (several times) until I too am too tired to do much of anything except crawl into my own bed, forcing my eyes to stay open long enough to check emails or read a half a page of something. And now you know why I haven’t been writing many posts here on RP.

That’s changing. The marriage. The house. The finances. Even my Peanut has grown 4 inches since last Christmas.

And now my job is gone.

These past few days I’ve had time. My day belongs to no one but me.

Today I woke at 6am. By 8am I had dinner started. Yes, dinner. I looked at the clock. Only 8? Then came 9am. Seriously? It’s only 9am? Same with 10. Then 11 .... 2 .... 3:30 .... Holy shit. Could the day go any slower?

I like that time is moving slowly. I never noticed it before, how slow time can be. Sure there were days at work that dragged on and on. I've never had a “day off” where time crawled on its hands and knees.

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The work community I’m part of has a professional concern for me. Everyone I know has been sending me leads, promising me that they’ll do what they can for me, sending me all kinds of encouragement. It’s as if I have a career bank account, and I’m making all kinds of withdrawals. I knew I had made wonderful professional friendships and contacts, but this proves it. Altho the dismissal conversation assured me that my release was not personal, not due to performance, there’s a small bit of self-doubt floating around in my head. If I were better, if I were more valuable, if I were more profitable, productive, efficient, nicer, smarter, better ... you name it. And maybe some of that is true. However, the way my professional relationships are offering real support proves that I am not an outcast even tho self-doubt tries to tell me that I suck.

Maybe I do suck. I’m not a perfect mom, I’m not a perfect friend, I sucked at being a wife — I’m positive of that — and I’m sure there was room to improve in my work environment. One thing I do know, I did a lot of things right and I was good at what I did. I have the portfolio to prove it and my professional contacts are proving it now. I’m one lucky chick.

And Oliver tells me he does not want any other mommy but me. Today he found a beautiful necklace he made for me. It was in a bagful of items I carried home from his daycare when he left there for the summer. He reclaimed it today.

He put the chunky colorful necklace on me. I want to devour it, it’s so colorful and bright. It looks like an edible candy lei.

I made this for you Momma.

Oh it’s beautiful Oliver!

Do you like the heart? I made the heart. 

Yes! I love it!

It says “Oliver” .... O. L. I. V. E. R. Oliver!

I see that!

I love you Momma.

Oh baby! I love you too.

No matter what, I’m one lucky chick.


  1. Yes you are lady. Enjoy your time off because it'll soon be gone and you'll be back in the grind, I know it.

    P.S. Come by the blog, I have the perfect giveaway for you!


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