Oh the Ups and Downs of Moving On...
The courage to keep moving forward is propelled by the joys in my life, many of which have been so unexpected and profound that I cannot help but to give thanks to the Universe for watching over me.
I know for a fact there is some Thing and some One up there putting garden stones in place, leading me, gently guiding me on a path to personal fulfillment and happiness, a joy that overrides any obstacles in my way.
Some days this ride is so fine, so high, so beautiful. It's lovely, inspiring, hopeful, wondrous, informative, helpful, spiritual, incredible, amazing. It's a journey filled with gifts well-beyond my expectations. The course as such has been breathtakingly exotic, scenes that steal the show from one experience to the next. How can this be? What has been the most painful ride has turned out to be the most remarkable. I've been to places I never would have, could have, otherwise. It's a good thing, as Martha says, this hardship I've survived and lived thru. It was also necessary. As I told Matt recently:
For what it's worth, I was not a good wife to you. And I was a terrible friend. I made a ton of mistakes in our marriage. Lots and lots of them. The chances of me ever changing were slim. The reasons you left I very well understand today....Unfortunately, it took you leaving for me to see [those mistakes]. Your leaving was the impetus of my change, my growth, my self-awareness, my fortunate opportunity to reevaluate my role in relationships.
A lot of good came / is coming out of my marriage failing. Isn't that how it is for all of us? When we are in the barrel, it's difficult to see it, at times. Oh sure, there are rolls in the barrel (like today... I will write about this in the coming paragraphs) when we know our feelings are only temporary, the set back is per diem, that things could be worse, that the pain is endurable. We can do this. We know it.
I've heard myself say this lately: I'm single, and I'm loving it.
Why, then, are there days when the journey has me in a pinfall? I'm up before the count of three, but ONE and TWO surely suck. It lasts an entire day or a full weekend. The high is not so high anymore. Reality seems to be about loneliness, being alone. I long for not just a lover in my life, but rather, a man who adores me, a soul mate, a companion, a friend. Why, after feeling so hopeful, do I really believe I'm too fat (yes, F.A.T.) to have someone fall in love with me, that it's too impossible to lose weight, that I'm too insecure to hold onto an intimate relationship, too unloveable... yes, at times I think I'm not worthy of love. That once someone gets past the initial stages of getting to know me, I become less attractive, less desirable. Maybe there's something really wrong with me, and that imperfect person will not find lasting love.
There are days when it's too much, when I wish I had someone's caring and understanding shoulder to cry on, someone who is tolerant of me, of my ups and downs, someone who is strong enough and loves me enough to handle that.
There are days when standing up for myself and my son, alone, takes it's toll. I am not feeling sorry for myself, or maybe I am. If I could bottle up self pity and sell it, I'd be rich. I am not sure if it's self pity or if it's just the natural ebb and flow of moving on from heart break. Or is it the natural reaction to learning how to be close friends with a man again? I still feel so alone, even tho I am not alone. I have friends. I have support. I have a great... no make that an amazing life.
But there are days I feel like I just need to sit down and say, Whoa, girl. You're doing a lot. It would be nice to have someone love you, really really love you! Un-fucking-conditionally.
I'm asking you, and I hope you can reply... is that too much for any one person to give to me? Am I hoping for too much? Those of you who are married, do you not get that from your spouses? A soft place to land? Someone who has your back? Someone who loves you despite your requests, your insecurities, your faults, your flaws, your wrinkles, your rolls, your impatience, your humanness?
I mentioned I had a male friend. He's been a source of lively entertainment for me for the past few months. He seems to adore me — most days, the days I'm not needy, the days I'm not asking for more than he can give me, the days I am not so crazy in my head, the days I'm respectful and not too bossy. And it's difficult for me to keep an emotional distance. But I have been keeping distance, and I've been not reading too much into our friendship. Would I like something more? Yes, sure. But silly for me to even think that b/c legally I'm still married and as much as I've moved on, I'm still tied by an invisible yet real mental chain to my marriage. It's hard to explain, but until the legal ties are severed, it's not likely I will allow myself to get too close to another man, even if I do find one of them slightly irresistible. It's silly too because I'm not sure if he's someone I'd want to spend the rest of my life with anyway. I mean, remember my list? I wrote it a long while back. He's got a lot of the things on my list — even some of the deal-breakers! But he's not everything I want. And I have hardly dated at all since I've been separated. I haven't wanted anyone else for a long time, until recently. Anyway, it's foolish for me to even think too much about this stuff.
Why do I joyfully write about my very own Mr. Big? Why do I continue a friendship with him? He's fun. He's filled in the gaps and shown me what is possible to have with someone else, what was missing in my past relationship. He tells me often that I am beautiful, something Matt never once said. He is smart. He gets what I say, often, and that blows me away because my past experience was so different.There was a brick barrier preventing clear communication in my marriage. I wasn't understood. Today, my friend holds a mirror up to me. He wont take what I dish out sometimes. He's taught me how to treat a friend, a male friend that I have some heart strings wrapped around. He's taught me that I deserve and can have so much more than I even dreamed of. I've learned so much from spending time with him. I see myself now, much more clearly than ever. I see Andrea. I see who I was with Matt. I see who I am now. I see my mistakes past and present. I see where I am weak. I see where I am strong.
That, my friends, is incredible! That, my friends, is one of the best gifts I have ever been given. That, my friends, has changed my life for the better. I may not become seriously involved at this point, but having a sweet friend as such, one that I am holding myself back from, one that I sort of wish was more than it is right now, is allowing me to grow in many ways.
So tell me, in the comments below, if you think I'm being too hard on myself. If you think I'm wishing about a relationship when I should be focusing only on becoming a stronger woman. If you think that my dream for someone who has my back is too much to ask for. Maybe I should be content with being alone and only alone, and not allow myself to wish I had a lover who loves me unconditionally and sees only the best in me.
Is it possible that someone can love me without reservations?