He Can Move the Mountains

My God is mighty to save
He is mighty to save

Shine Your light &
Let the whole world see
We’re singing
For the glory
Of the Risen King

We sang this song in church on Easter Sunday. I sang it with joy, with tears, with happiness. It was after an amazing sermon by our pastor, a sermon that also moved me to tears. I don’t cry anymore. Not over loss. I’m fine actually. I’m moving on, or at least acting as if most of the time. I’ve not let myself go backwards, back there, back to where I used to be. Life has changed for me. Most of those past posts you’ve read here on RP, if you are a long-time visitor, are no longer the case for me.

Today I deserve a goodness in my life. I want more from others and the world than I had accepted before. I want to be with someone, some day, who adores me, my insides and my outside — and my child. Loyal. Sweet. Thoughtful. You know, all that stuff. Handsome. I’m not too old yet to settle for any of that.

Today I know I was equally at fault for the loss of my marriage. I didn’t want this, let me be clear, especially if you are new here. I don't advocate for divorce, in fact, just the opposite. I did not ask for this. I did not quite see this coming. I fought for my marriage the best way I could. What could I have done differently?

That question is best answered another day. Today is not for remorse, lamenting. I’ll have none of that today.

Sunday was spectacular for me. There were no fireworks that one could see in church on Sunday. Oh but there were. The fire inside me glowed, and I could see everyone around me feeling the strength of God’s spirit in them. It was incredible, so much so that my tears could not be contained. Folks are probably accustomed to seeing me drop a few salty tears in church. I'm sure the pastor has looked over and caught me with tissue to eye more than once. The music director too (that's what really used to make me cry, those incredibly written songs). Those beside me, behind me, across from me all have witnessed my emotions. I didn't care tho. All those times I wept, I had released hurt so that I could live again. I know, sappy, emotional .... it's all there for the world to see. I wear my heart on my sleeve. I'm not going to pretend, nor have I ever, that I wasn't rocked by losing my marriage and my little family of three.

I felt so glad to be at church on Easter. I was so moved by those around me, celebrating, thanking God, acknowledging His Name. As it moved me to tears, pain gained presence as well. Yes, pain is still around. That's natural. But there was only a little. Thank goodness.

I’m looking forward to a silent retreat coming up. Thirty hours of keeping my trap shut voice still. If you haven't tried it, I'd encourage you to, especially if you have little ones running around (or even big ones). I’ve had these little reminders lately, these special angels that God has put in my life, to remember my past experiences of God, of the strength I can tap into any single time I want to. It's there for the taking, and I can have as much peace, strength, happiness and joy that I want. It's an endless supply. What joy that is, to know we're not alone, to know that we can get thru pretty much anything just by seeking that power and grace that God provides.

Day to day it's easy to forget, now that life has leveled out a bit, just what God has done for me. It's easy to forget how much I need to rely on God. I am reminded that there is real strength and power in seeking Him. There is real Power there. There is some thing, and that some thing is responsive to me. There is no doubt in my mind that I’m being watched, taken care of. Someone is carefully allowing me to grow, heal, and move about the cabin at my own pace. Someone is making miracles take place in my life, each and every single time I ask for one.

I wrote most of this last evening while ending my day. This morning as I awoke in the quietness of my home, I opened my prayer books and prayed. As the silence of peace moved thru my heart, I thought about all that I'd like to get done this summer: get the patio set up, the water fountain working again, the grass fertilized, the flowers planted, the fire pit in place. I realized that what I miss, truly miss, actually feel so ready for .... is another person in my life to love, to bestow all that I humanly have to give upon. I miss that. I do. I do. I miss having a husband actually. That comfort of unity, togetherness. (Like how I just skip the dating part and go right to marriage?!!!) :) I'm not ready for marriage! Please, that's not what I'm saying here. Dating is great and even necessary. The journey of getting to know someone is precious, and I don't want to skip that part. But I found myself thinking of what it might be like, again, some day. I look forward to that.

I remember the amazing things about marriage: the friendship, the family, the love. Lord help me because the first man that shows any fatherly interest in my son will have to fight me off. I know, absolutely know, that is my weakness right now. I miss watching Oliver interact with his father, a father.

I've accomplished a lot alone. Yep. And I'm quite happy about that. I don't need a man. I wrote that here on RP before. I don't need one to survive or even live a happy life. I've proved that. I've found myself in times of calamity and found, with my own resources, ways out. Flat tires. Dead battery. Mechanics who are far away and the need for a rental car. Payment for services rendered. Putting a pet down. Heating bills (ouch!). Sad child. Sick child. Angry child. Carrying in groceries, moving and repairing furniture, hanging blinds, changing light bulbs, fixing the dryer, putting up a new door, fixing the garage door. Arranging summer camp and summer help for Oliver. All the while working full time — my job with its own set of struggles and challenges. And dealing with this debilitating grief, sadness, depression. Having to get help for that. Loving my child and making him feel secure. Letting go of Matt. Leaning on new friends and strangers’ kindness (and prayers) for help. Finding ways to pay for some of this stuff. Maintaining friendships. Cooking. Hiring help to clean and organize. The list goes on and on. I can do it. I proved it. Mostly to myself, but I proved it.

As I thought about the upcoming summer I imagined what it might be like to have a man in my life again. Not the dating kind. Yep. I skipped that part. I went right to the relationship, to L. O. V. E. I wish he were here, that guy, that one who loves me, loves Oliver, wants to take care of us, provide for us, be with us, accept us for who we are, have fun with us, live life with us, pray with us. I want someone who I can trust, rely on.

I want that. But I'm far from having that right now. Divorce will take forever. I'm dying to be free of this marriage so that I can begin to move forward without this legal and emotional tie.

I am happy inside. I love God. I love how God works in my life, works those miracles in my life. I love how He takes care of me. Seems like He's the one right now, the one to count on, to lean on, the one who takes care of me and of Oliver.

God is in us, as Oliver says. God is in everyone. That's true. His strength and love are available for us to tap into any single time we need it. I hope you're finding that today. I hope your life is content and happy as well. I hope you have dreams and wishes too. And I hope your dreams come true. Or have they already?

I know there will be a day that I look around and thank God for making all my dreams, even those I never thought to imagine, become my life.

My God has moved the mountains in my life already. He is mighty to save me from hopelessness, sadness, grief, powerlessness. I’m grateful that today He's helped me to shine.

:) Thanks again for joining me. I'll try to post more often! I'm working on a new site and a new plan for Raising Peanut.