Waiting on the Rain

I kid you not. This is how God works in my life. He really does seem to know how to heal my hurts. I was about to go to bed when I decided to fall asleep to music. I found Griffin House and thought that would be great to lull myself to slumber. I hit play.

At the same time I looked on the bookshelf in my bedroom for a spiritual book to read. I picked up Beth Moore, So Long Insecurity. It's been a while since I read that, and I know I'm dealing with some insecurities this day. Skimming thru the book, I found a place where I had marked up the sidelines. A prayer... it's lengthy, but I bet you may really like it, no matter what your spiritual path is. I'm going to share it with you.

Dear God,

I come to You this moment because I need some things only You can give me. I need restorations, God. I need my dignity back. You alone know what insecurity has cost me, what trouble — even torment — it has caused me. You are intimately acquainted with every time it's made a fool of me. You know how hard I've fought to play the game, but You also know that in the aftermath I've been defeated. I'm sick of faking. I'm sick of sulking. I deperately need and want to be delivered from my chronic insecurity. I am ready to discover what it means to be truly secure. I am willing to do whatever it takes to be free and to allow You to do thru me what I cannot do for myself. You are the all-powerful, all-knowing Maker of heaven and earth and the grand Weaver of every human soul. You alone know how we are made and who we're meant to be. I'm not asking for anything You're not already willing to give me. You have not shortchanged me. I have shortchanged myself and allowed my culture to sell me short.

You know the way I'm formed. You know what shuts me down. You know how driven I am by fear and how exhausted I am from surrendering to it. God, in the most hidden places I am so afraid that... (insert your words here)

Deliver me God. You have not given me a spirit of fear but of power, love, and a sound mind. I claim each of those priceless traits as mine this day. Your desire is for me to be free of every unhealthy motivation. Reveal any place they reside uncontested in me, and supply the courage I need to refuse to do their bidding. You have searched the deepest recesses of my heart and mind. I don't need to hide anything from you or act stronger or more together than I am.

God you know the complexity of my soul and that most of the time I can't figure myself out. As You reveal yourself to me, I ask that you reveal myself to me. Grant me insight into the patterns I've developed, and give me answers that bring healing. You know that I swing like a pendulum between self-loathing and self-escaltation. I'm painfully aware that I have created some of my own misery. Please forgive me of my relentless pursuit of control and for my futile attempts at doing your job. Forgive me for nursing my ego until it grows so fat that everything touching it bruises it. For me for the jealousy that feeds my insecurity. For being so fixated on what I don't have that I leave the gifts You've given me undeveloped and much less effective that You intended them to be.

Forgive me for thinking pitifully little of myself. forgive me for considering myself inferior to others.If I realized how valuable I am, my insatiable need for affirmation would be quieted. Forgive me for ... (insert your words here)  

At this time, I realized the song that was playing in the background. Griffin House, Waiting on the Rain. The entire album is incredible.

God, I ask you to pull up any roots of insecurity that were not of my own doing, and usher in healing and restoration. You know every single place where instability has touched my life. You remember details that were long erased from my memory but are still inflicting insecurity. You know what first frightened me into believing that no one and nothing could be trusted and that I'm on my own out here in a very unsafe world. You know the rational origin of every irrational fear.

Empower me to forgive those who have let me down, failed to protect me, or inflicted injury upon me. God, where there is still life and opportunity, bring healing to those relationships.

Come and treat my heart and soul where they have been shattered by loss. You know the pain and the unbearable emptiness that can come with loss. You hear the untruth that I will never be OK. Do not let loss win. Flood my life with purpose and compassion. Be my strength in my weakness.

Please do not let me confuse healing with betrayal. Help me to see any place in my life where I'm hanging on to my grief or anger. Grant me the gift of healthy grief that does not fight the pain or the process of healing. Where I have lost innocence, grant me integrity. Where I lost a relationship, grant me true intimacy. Where I lost a home, grant me an internal, unshakable sense of belonging. Where I've held someone responsible for my loss, grant me the ability to forgive. Don't stop until you've made a miracle of me.

God, even in the midst of all these requests, I thank You with my whole heart for working so diligently in my life. 

Beth Moore, So Long Insecurity, pgs 165 - 173

That's all. The prayer is pages longer, and I edited some of it out. Most of that prayer describes my thoughts this past week. It's been a tough one. Not the kind of stuff I used to deal with. This is healthy. This is facing my grief, not fighting it. This is how I will grow. I have to go thru this process. There's no skipping it.

Thanks for bearing with me these last few posts. Truly, I have two recipes that I am just dying to share with you. You'll love 'em. Not only that, but I'll be sharing pix of my Peanut real soon too.

Off to bed now.

Bonne nuit. Rêves doux.