Happy Sunday!

I have found it a bit difficult to find the words or passion to write lately. We're doing well, and I suppose that is what it is: Life taking a first (and full) priority with my time.

My son, my lovely adorable son, takes up every single moment of my free time. I adore him. Yet I'll admit, he was a lot easier to parent when he was two. Since he turned three (and he'll be four tomorrow – March 19th!!), he's been a bit of a handle. As he has come into his own, he has shown a preference for his way of doing things, not mine, which often means: no bedtime at 8pm, no coming when I call, not hearing the word NO, not anything! :) I love him, and I suppose that is why God gave mothers unconditional love, for at times if it were up to me...     Well, no. I couldn't.

Oliver's behavior has prompted me to ask my X to change up the schedule once-a-month. Currently, I have Oliver each weekend, without fail. He goes to his Daddy's every Friday night which frees up a weekend evening for me to do whatever. I have Oliver all day Saturday and Sunday, with his dad picking him up on Monday morning. It's been difficult to get a lot done with a needy three (now four) year old scrambling around at my feet, asking me to play with him, demanding his own way. The new schedule give me one weekend a month off. Yep. All day Saturday. All day Sunday. Since I was reluctant, even tho this was my request, we are starting slow. He was with his daddy last Sunday. And he's with his daddy today. It's great actually! I completely forgot what it was like to be me, Andrea, myself, alone, free, all-me-all-day, all-the-time. Wow. I've hired sitters before to watch Oliver, but it's not the same. When he's with his father, I don't have to worry about each hour passing by and the dollars adding up. I don't have to worry about his behavior (I trust the sitter's.) Yet, there is no time away when I hire a sitter. Besides, I've only hired sitters when I have something to do, never to wander aimlessly. Last Sunday and today as well, I took my time navigating around my world. It's beautiful.

Being alone is empowering for me. I'm always somewhere. Work = the designer, employee. Home = the mom. Meeting = working a spiritual program, thinking about how to be a better person. Church = praying and connecting with God (which is fine actually!) On the phone = the friend, the mentor, etc. Night time = winding down after a long struggle getting Oliver to bed, with barely enough time to stay up and read.

Alone, I'm free. I'm happy. I am remembering who I am. I'm rejuvenated. I'm strong.

It seems I forgot who this part of me. My free spirit. My creativity. My decorating habits. (Who has time to decorate when one can barely keep up?!!)

I have been beaten up by a personal trauma. Not a big deal, really, I KNOW! Lots of folks have been thru this and much much worse. But this is MY story and my story is that I got knocked off my feet — a first for me. I was not prepared for it. Given my background, history, it shook me upside-down. I'm lucky I landed on my feet! I'm grateful actually! I'm blessed that I have a network of love beneath me ... my friends, my family, my son and God. Everyone took great care to lift me up in any way they could. It was perfect for me!

I'm still experiencing that love. Still.

Getting over my separation (and pending divorce) was difficult. I'm not hurting like I was. I just have not had much time to be alone, to sink into who it is that I am, what it is that I want. I'm not spending the last two Sundays trying to figure it out, however. I'm spending them, instead, trying to connect with who I am, who I was ... and begin to like myself again, imperfections and all.

Deep breath..... sigh. This feels great. My home is beautiful (inside... the outside still looks like a junkyard). I am taking care of me. If I could have peeked into the future and saw myself today I would not have believed I could do all this. NOT PERFECT BY ANY MEANS! Do not use Martha and Andrea in the same sentence. (Only I can do that.) I have a crap load to learn. I feel like a teenager when it comes to matters of the heart. I feel like my age when I see how I cared for myself and my son. I am so grateful for prayers, emails, phone calls, snail mail even! Yes, I even received a few cards in the mail over the last couple years from friends I never ever expected to write! God has placed incredible people in my life — before this happened, and after!

I have so much to share, but I just have to catch my breath. I'm heading into work today to do some pro-bono work for an amazing cause. See here. In just a day or two, the new site will be live (If it's a beautiful site you see as you clicked on that link, then it is the new site already!) I could go on about it, and I will, but not today.

It's my day. I am grateful for my life.


  1. Happy Sunday to you! It is good, and right, for life to take the first priority. And Happy Birthday to your 4-year-old!

  2. I am SO happy you stepped up and made this change. This is HUGE for you. Alone time is so incredibly important and a huge part of recovering. it's funny because at first most moms do the opposite, clinging to their children as their main identity while everything else that they've associated with themselves falls apart around them. But you NEED the alone time. You've made a huge step Andrea and I'm proud of you. Not only that, but it's REALLY good for Oliver to spend more time with his dad more often and for extended periods of time.
    Happy birthday to him and congrats to you, Mom!


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