Life began as normal yesterday. I returned to work only to learn that a project I so had dedicated my time to would be turned over to another designer. Defeat? Perhaps. I have other things to work on, and so I took a deep breath, put on my big girl panties and forged ahead.

Today is the first moment I have to take a step back and look at the year ahead. I have not even given a glance back to 2011 yet. We were spinning around over the holidays, and Oliver and Jasmin were the center of my attention. We had some great moments, and I would not trade that time for the world. As an auntie, it was my chance to give back, to pay forward everything and every gift my aunt has lovingly given me. It was my turn in the barrel. And I loved it.

But now Jasmin is gone. I wrote a post immediately following her departure on Thursday, then headed to pick up Oliver. We ate dinner, and I put Oliver to bed. Friday morning was business as usual: get myself ready, get my son ready, get out the door. Friday night I had a book study with the gals. Today (Saturday) Oliver arrived in the morning. He's napping now, and I've retreated to my sanctuary, cozy in bed, comfortable and happy to have this time alone.

And then I cried. I'm not sure why. OH.... well, I guess I know. There's too much going on to share with you; some of it is just not RP appropriate. I do have to keep some aspects of my life private, well, at least for now. To be honest, my job is a struggle the last month or so. I'm not happy at the moment — which is very unusual for me as I have found that job to be very exciting and fulfilling for many years. The thought of getting out there and making a change terrifies me when my whole entire life has been turned upside-down the past 20 months. I'm just now getting back on my feet. Spiritually, I'm more connected to God than I have ever been. I'm also getting used to my new life, and I'm liking it. I am even finding other men attractive! That's not to say I'm out there with every Tom, Dick and Harry. But it IS the first time I can say that I've even wanted to look at another man besides my X. I'd say that's progress.

Yet there is a sadness. It's not my X. I promise. I'm not sure really what it is other than the realization that I'm really not ready for another relationship; that I cannot look to another person, nor my job, to be my source of happiness; that life is at a turning point right now; that my job satisfaction is low; that financially there have been some difficult adjustments; that I'm not fully healed; that I carry baggage; that times are sort of tough in general. I feel I can be too needy at times, needy and emotional, needy and irrational, needy and that nothing is really enough for me. Nothing.

This affects my job. It affects my relationships / friendships. Those are the two areas in my life that are substantial.

My good friend Andy said to me today:

Don't let someone else be your happiness. You expect and expect and when that doesn't happen you feel defeated. It's not good.

I'm trying... but it's hard. I'm 49; I've done it for a long time. Old habits die hard.

Needy is tough. You have your peaks and your valleys, but you try to have more peaks than valleys. If this is a valley, then pull yourself up.

That little boy...... he's a gem.

Oh yes, that son of mine. He's a delight' and he says the funniest things. My friend's wisdom is so appropriate for me, whether I gleam happiness from another or my job. I think I have to figure out who I am with a job and without. Who I am with a partner and without. Who I am as a mother and as a woman — the two are very different. I'm more than a mother, this much I know.

Truly, the holidays were tough this year. Tough in a way that I did not expect. I did write about Christmas this year, but I have not published that post yet. I'm tempted not to, since I no longer am experiencing the pain that I did over the holidays. I wrote a lot about feeling rejected. While it's true that we had fun this year, I could not get past the rejection. I wore a big sign on my forehead with alternating messages: Rejected by my X. Unwanted. Not needed. Not likable. Not lovable long-term. This filtered thru to other aspects of my life as I looked around. My family has been rejected. Our home. Our cats. Our things. Our life. All tossed aside. Cast away. He's happier now.... so he says.

I got past that rather quickly tho. As soon as New Year's eve and day were over, I felt like I could breathe again. I felt like the sky parted, the sun shone again, the lights came back on. The air cleared, and I could move past this. I no longer feel rejected by my X.

To be honest, I don't even want him anymore.

In these few moments alone I cry. I thought I was further along than this. But I know the changes I made in 2011 were incredibly profound. I have to seek my strength from God, not my job, not my son, not another man. Just God. I know I'll be OK. There is absolutely NO DOUBT in my mind I .... we ..... will be OK. God will NOT let me fall on my face. I know it. I know it 100%.


  1. I don't mean this in a snotty way: have you read Co-dependent No More by Melody Beattie? I would recommend it to you. Because you life the life of someone who is independent, but I think you just need to convince your brain. Eezy peezy!

  2. Hello Anonymous,

    Yes, I read it and I found it did not apply to me. However, I have friends who have Melody Beattie's daily readers... And they have shared readings with me that really hit home. I did take a peak into her book about Co-Dependence on Marriage (or something like that) and that felt better.

    I never ever thought of myself as co-dependent upon my husband or any man for that matter. I have read that co-dependence is practically identical to grief.

    However, I am finding that there are some things that I definitely relate to in her writings. It's a good reminder. I will perhaps pick up some of her daily readers. When I do, I'll post back here to thank you for the reminder. :)

    Thanks for the comment....


  3. Andrea, I have thought of you this holiday season. Hoping that you were able to enjoy some time with your family and also hoping that you were feeling strong.

    I am praying that 2012 is a HUGE year for you. That on December 31st, you'll look back and say 'Woah. I have come SO far this year. I have grown, I have begun to heal, and I have LIVED.'

    It's one day at a time, dear. I hope today is a good one. And ya know what? If it's not... try again tomorrow.


  4. @Anonymous.... thank you so very much. I'm touched that you thought of me; I thank you for your encouragement!


  5. We are always a work in progress.

    : )


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