I’ve Not Grown Up Yet

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I M P O R T A N T 
My nephew James is having his last and final surgery tomorrow — Friday at 2pm. It's been tough on him. PLEASE pray for him. He decided to skip this semester of school in order to focus on recovery. He's bright. He's hurting. He needs your prayers.

U P D A T E  2:18PM ; January 27th
From James' mom, Crys: Surgery over. Less than 1 hour. Waiting for recovery. More later.

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If you got thru yesterday’s post, congratulations. That was a tragically long read. If you sifted thru any of it, my hat is off to you.

Ah, this blog is a mere rambling of my inner thoughts, most of which I believe I am writing only for / to myself. I forget I have readers. I forget there is an audience. It's much like speaking from a podium. I have no fear speaking to a group, especially if it's about something near and dear to my heart. I taught at the college level as well. I can handle the attention — all eyes on me, my words and thoughts being recorded, responded to. None of that scares me anymore. In order to do it however, I have to not think about what I'm doing. I have to be in the moment. I have to focus on what it is I'm trying to say. I have to suspend, temporarily, the audience's judgement and opinions of me. My self-consciousness has to be eradicated in order to do so.

There are times I reflect upon what I’ve shared, whether that is here or in front of a class. In my confident, mature world, I am normally pleased with myself. In a tender, human moment I think, Holy Shit! Did I just expose my entire soul to people? They know everything. (That's how I feel about yesterday's post btw.) Strangers. Friends. Family. They often come up to me. Strangers speak to me like they know me, using my first name. Y'all know a lot about me. I forget that the audience is real. It's not just about me. Communication, whether written or verbal, is heard, read, responded to, absorbed or thrown back. It's a volleyball of thoughts, inside and out. I'm not talking to a wall. I may be alone when I write, but there is someone on the receiving end.

I expose my immaturity to you, to others. It's a form of being intimate, letting someone close enough to see what's in my heart and my soul.

I’m not perfect.

I’m jealous today. I feel a lot of jealousy right now, not a comfortable emotion. My insides are turned out. I can't control this feeling. I can't make it go away. I've succumbed to it, and I absolutely, positively hate it.

I’m impatient, stressed and angry today. This morning and last night I became incredibly frustrated with my son. You know, that angel I write about? The one who goes to bed at 8 but finally falls asleep at 11? The one who cries because I finally lose my temper and take away every single one of his toys off his bookshelf because he can’t just lie down and be still? (I mean come on. Three hours? Really? Really?) I often have no time to get his lunch ready in the evening because he's constantly getting up and I have to deal with walking him back to his room. In the morning, I am exhausted. I have to get him dressed. He seriously will NOT dress himself, and I’m almost to the point where I’m about to shame him and say, Your best friend AJ dresses himself! Why can’t you?!!! Of course I don't. But my goodness. That child puts ONE sock half-way on, refuses to pull it up his leg and walks around with it flopping about, wimpering because he needs my help. I’m the one who needs help! Me! Help me! Please!

I have no make up on. I have not brushed my teeth. Who has time? I carry too many bags out in the morning. Then I realize I forgot something. My own damn lunch. Shit. Stuff falls everywhere. The car is a mess on the inside. And so is my head.

I’m hurting. I’m in fear today. I have not done my readings. I have not responded to a few emails. Life keeps moving forward, and I'm getting a bit behind. I just want to scream, STOP ALREADY! Give me a minute to catch up!!

Deep breath girl.

I’m already starting to plan a day off from work. I need one day without Oliver. One day without work. {I have Oliver every single weekend. There is no such thing as a day off from work without Oliver around.} I need an evening where Oliver goes to bed and falls asleep by 8:30. Gosh that would be nice. It's been months and months since that has happened. I can't remember the last time he fell asleep by 8:30.

Another deep breath girl.

While you’re saying prayers for James, maybe you could say one for me too. I hope for peace and happiness to replace the pain of being human. :)

Thanks for joining me today.



  1. I can so relate to this, Andrea. And I am always SHOCKED by how drastically my emotions can change if I just have some time to catch up. Last Sunday, I was a MESS. Couldn't even sleep thinking about all I needed to do and all the reasons I couldn't get it done. I was just a mess.

    Spur of the moment, I took Monday off work. I spent the day knocking out my to-do list and I swear to you, I feel like a new person. We women are so impacted by chaos. I truly believe I was a better employee to my boss, and better person in general, for grabbing that time for myself. Being selfish on Monday made a world of difference in the attitude I carried into serving others on Tuesday.

    Praying you can find some time to play catch up soon. And for sweet James!

    1. Oh Anon, thank you! I'm glad I'm not alone!

    2. Anon, It's taken some time, but I too am taking a mental health day today. I don't feel bad. My work load is light right now. I so need this day after the week I've had. Too emotional. I need to come down from it and like you said, knock some things off that list. I'm so grateful you shared. I hope to have the same result as you. x o x o x o (PS. I wish I knew your name!) :)

  2. My goal...retire! That was top on the list. I have a few others. They are on lists too. I am showing my photographs at a fair in February. One knocked off my list. Casino time again. Many years ago I read that if you keep your car for 10 years, you can retire 5 years earlier. Over the life of owning cars, I've done that and guess what! Guess who!

  3. Andrea you are not alone, you are just brave enough to voice the things all of us feel at one point or another. You DO carry a lot, you DO have a lot on your plate, a young child CAN be adorable and totally aggravating at the same time.

    Take heart. It will get better. Do your best to stay on track with your readings and goodness sakes girl -- brush those teeth! :)

    Praying for you daily. And will pray for James tomorrow. Please let me know how it goes.

    Virtual hug!

    1. Pamela, teeth brushed.

      I love you my friend. Praying for you too. :)

      x o x o

  4. Take the mental health day. You need it...and too often, we moms put ourselves at the bottom of the list (child, job, home, etc etc, ..... ME). Take care of yourself, so that you can keep taking care of the angel! :) My thoughts and prayers are with you and your adorable nephew!


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