How I’m Doing Thus Far

To hold myself accountable, I thought I'd post each month how I'm doing on each of the things I'm determined to do! How's that for being responsible for my own happiness?

I know it's only been ONE day. I'm a little excited! The real test will be when the months begin to pass.

Second, I'd like to thank you for your written, spoken and unwritten, unspoken prayers for me (or for keeping me and Oliver in your thoughts). It means a lot to me. :) Wishing me a New Year filled with dreams that come true is really humbling. Thank you for following me on this blog. My story is one of healing and growth. I can say with complete honesty that I have not looked back, not tried to win my X back, not wished for something different in quite some time. I have been in this spot before where I feel great. However, this is the longest run of it. It's different this time. I'm living today looking ahead, no longer looking behind. I'm happy today, even with the ups and downs.

I know I don't see it all yet; I don't realize how strong I am. I don't realize all I do. Yesterday I took out the garbage. It's second nature now. I cleaned the cat litter box. It's part of the framework of my day. When I was "married" (yes, I still am), I never, not once took out the garbage. I never, not once cleaned the litter box. That was always the his job. In fact there's a lot I do he used to do. A LOT!!

Yesterday I came home from having coffee w/a friend after work. It was 6:30pm. My house was quiet. Oliver was with his father for the night. I realized as I heated up dinner that this is really the first time in my life I have lived alone. Alone. All by myself. I felt great! I felt strong, confident. I've always, always had roommates. Then my X moved in after we got engaged. I've never been alone. Never been 100% on my own.

Until now.

Sometimes I look around my home. I notice things for the first time. I bought that. I made that happen. I realize how I made our house a home. I see what I bring to someone's life — what I brought to our life. Oliver has a beautiful home. It's modest. It's my first home. It's something to be proud of. I no longer compare myself to others; by not doing so, I can appreciate what I have. I sometimes do get glimmers of my value. My gifts. My talent. My beauty. I know I don't yet see myself 100% clearly, and I know I don't realize all I bring to the table. But dammit... I've come far. I've grown so much. I'm overcoming something that literally tore me apart. There's more to do. There's a LOT more to face. Yuck. But like I said the other day, I will not fall on my face. My God will not let me fall flat. I will find the resources (whether they are financial, spiritual, or personal) that will allow me to get thru it all. God always puts people in my path that help me. I have so many examples of this the last two years. I'm so grateful.

Grief takes time, a lot of time. Healing takes time. Some people are intolerant of this process. I have lost at least two really close friends over this. One friend I traveled to Europe with. She actually unfriended me on Facebook. Can you believe it? I wont even tell you how old she is. I attended the other's wedding. Neither had the patience to see me thru it. They couldn't bare to watch me cry over him again and again. They wanted me to get over it. One told me to snap out of it. The other told me that if I kept this up, no one would want to be around me. She told me to throw out my marriage-saving book. This was mid-July, 2010. It was still so *fresh then!!

I understand them however. I don't blame them. First, they've never gone thru such a loss. They don't understand what it's like to have a 2-year old child in the mix. They didn't realize I faced a bomb. My relationship didn't deteriorate before my eyes. I never had a clear clue. He just dropped the bomb one day. Two days later he had an apartment. Four days later he was moved out. For my former confidants, it was difficult for them to watch me experience intense pain. It's hard to watch someone you love cling to hopeful anticipation and not see reality with clarity.

Enough now. I don't want to rant negatively. Hopefully I did not come off like that. I also think I made it clear how appreciative I am of RP followers. You guys / gals are great!

Life is good. Life is exciting. Life is fun. Below is proof!


Inspirational photo .... :)  Oliver in bubble bath


Here’s my one-day update! Hee-hee...


This coming year, I am determined {God willing} to:

1. arrive early yep ... 4 out of 6 times!! (only once was I just "on time" and sadly, once I was late...)
2. return calls as soon as possible yep and trying
3. look great at work, not like I just woke up yep
4. get outdoors, be active nope
5. read fiction books instead of marriage saving books yep ... started a book
6. get back to 120+ lbs  {aka: lose 20 lbs} nope
7. get the RP website design finished nope
8. wake up in time to do my daily readings; not rush in the morning: YEP
9. prepare for the next day the night before yep
10. keep my home a place of refuge and a sanctuary yep
11. drink more water nope
12. do less; spend less time traveling rushing from one place to the next yep ... 4 out of 6 times!! (only once when I was I just "on time" and sadly, once I when I was running late...)
13. teach oliver to pray with me, to give thanks and express gratitude nope
14. keep the clothes off the floor of my bedroom :) yep
15. get rid of stuff in basement; organize the second storage area nope
16. keep car clean {this means I have to clean it first} yep ... well I threw away 3 old coffee cups .... :( still need to clean it out completely tho.
    
17. stay connected to God; to my church and my church family nope
18. read a book to Oliver each night nope
19. do things that make me feel good about who I am as a daughter, mother, sister (in law), auntie, friend and employee not sure
20. re-budget my finances nope
21. remain calm and positive; have a forgiving heart yep
22. grow up :)  ... not act irrationally or take things personally... have a sense of humor yep
23. bite off only what I can chew {aka ... lose the massive vegetable garden; keep it simple} yep
24. love others; treat them with kindness and a warm heart yep

I added two:

• Practice gratitude yep
• Accept myself unclothed in the mirror ~ YIKES!! yep

  
*Matt left in May. We got back together in June. He exited again after the 4th of July.