Vocabulary Lesson & Single Motherdom

  1. boldness daring, especially confident or arrogant disregard for personal safety, conventional thought, or other restrictions.
  2. effrontery or insolence; shameless boldness: His questioner’s audacity shocked the lecturer.

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One of the things that has come up is the overwhelming sense of duty I have for Oliver. As a single, full-time working mom with most of the placement for Oliver, I have a very hard time getting everything done that I need to get done. As you can see, managing my life, my career, Oliver’s life and a home is very hard for me. It’s a lot of work. By myself, I cannot seem to balance it all.

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What do you think of this statement? How would you respond? I’m curious. If you have any insight, criticisms, support or comments, I’d really REALLY love to hear them. Afterwards, I'll share with you why I am asking.

OK I think I’ll just be honest here, prior to getting responses.

Friends, I work my butt off. I have spent 16 months in pain, grief and in hopeful anticipation of a reconciliation with my X. I no longer am in that place, and I’m very glad to be at this point.

However, I am constantly turned up-side-down when the X fails to recognize the strength, stamina, courage and effort it takes to walk away with dignity and grace from a relationship that meant so much to me. (Not to mention, I have only just begun to walk away!) I have a home to take care of. A child that takes up most of my time. (I’m not complaining! I love being with him.) A career. A life outside of my job and Oliver (altho it’s a small life). I have recovery and church. I have my mentors. I mentor others. I love to cook. Blog. Read. Photograph. Edit photos. I do a very little bit of volunteer work on the side as well. I have this amazing cottage where I spend many summer weekends away. I rarely hire sitters, but I don’t hesitate to use them when necessary. I hire a cleaning woman 1 or 2 times a month. I have my child’s sitter come over to help me organize. I have an assistant that will help me with whatever I need: shopping, cleaning, organizing, book keeping, etc. I’m on the go constantly. I run. I’m a busy woman. I’m a mother and more than a mother, I am a dedicated and loyal friend, a daughter, a sister, and auntie. I have people in my life whom I am obligated to, whom I maintain relationships with. And pretty much everyone in my life supports me, cheers me on, applauds my efforts and allows me the cushion to dip into self-pity on occasion. More than once I have been told to take a nap, slow down, let things go. Even Father Tom Weston told me at the retreat I was on recently that I need to take a nap. Rest. Take care of me. (I am currently writing a post about that weekend retreat. Stay tuned!) I’m on the go constantly. I work thru my lunches sometimes, clocking in 8 to 10-hour days. I fall asleep between 11 and midnight, and I awake each day at dawn despite being on a medication that makes me wake extremely tired. I have to pray, exercise, meditate, take vitamins and medications, talk to others, read spiritual literature, attend church, see my therapist and countless other things just to be able to live my life as a functional adult.

Thee one person, and I mean thee one person who cannot see that is the X. It pisses me off and takes me by surprise each time he has the audacity to criticize me for poor time management.

Really friends? Really?

It pisses me off that he tells me we both just need to move on. Really friends? Really? Its been only 2 months for me in this phase.

Why the hell do I get so pissed? I ask you because I am pissed without a true valid understanding of why I feel this way.

The statement I wrote above I said to my X. His reply was talk to me about time management and sacrifices that I might not like in order to get things done.

Why do I let this bother me? Why? I want to be rid of this crap. I hate him so much these days. I know the hatred and anger will go away eventually. I pray for him often, I pray that his hardened heart will soften. I pray that I will be able to forgive him some day. I remind myself, my journey of letting go has only just started. It’s only 2 months old.

The best answer I can give (I’ve heard it from my dear friend) is that X just does not care about me. X cannot see that he is losing the best thing he’s ever had (not that I want him back anymore) .... but he cannot look at it. He can’t or he will see that he has fucked up so badly. It’s too painful for him to look at. He has to lie and convince himself that he’s fine. That it’s all going to be fine. Oliver will be fine. I will be fine. (He’s right about that at least. I will be OK. And I’m sure Oliver will too.)

After I realized this today, I felt much relief.

If you don’t think I’m right, go ahead and read this. I think this explains him so well.

So yes, comment if you want. I’m not needing your affirmations as much as I thought I would. I guess I was looking for support, for those words to tell me that I am doing a good job. That I AM working my ass off. That I am good mother. That I should not expect the world of myself. That I am a single mom, that I am a full-time working mother with no help (from the father).

Who said it recently? "Youre under staffed." I love that.

I believe it. I don’t feel sorry for myself. I’m just trying to figure it all out.

My friend Maggie just sent me a message saying that what X thinks I should or should not be doing is not his business. That I don’t need to waste any more precious moments on his behavior. She’s so right. I need to keep doing what I’m doing. God will lead me day by day in LOVE not sickness. (Her words... and I swallowed them up and made them my own.)

And really, I think mainly, I’m proud of myself. And Oliver should be proud of me too. I love that boy. He is my number one. It’s not bad for me to want to have a life outside of him, outside of work. It’s good. I need it. I need it to stay sane.

I’ve been thru hell. It’s not as bad as some losses, this I know. But in fact, I met a woman in my Divorce Care class who was a widow AND is going thru a divorce right now. She said losing her first husband to death was easier than divorce. So at the same time, I need not discount the strength it takes to walk thru this crap.

I just pray I don’t fall under the X’s pharisaical thumb when responding to emails and verbal exchanges. I need more practice with an invisible cloak of protection around my heart. Perhaps if you want to give something to me today, you could say a pray for that shield. I want to like myself and feel confident in who I am, not be rocked by someone’s negative opinion of me. I want to walk with dignity and grace thru this short but beautiful life we all have the opportunity to embrace.

I mentioned I’d write a gratitude list. Today, Im grateful for the strength and life Ive been given.

Thanks for joining me on this journey.


  1. Andrea- as a part-time single mom (every other weekend)...I feel for you. It's hard any way you dice it. Balance is fleeting, and often unattainable. The best I can often hope for is an optimistic attitude. And that, when I can muster one, works miracles.

  2. Without trying to minimize your pain but the grief of losing a child should NEVER be compared to a divorce! You have no idea, none!

  3. It's natural what you're going through, not that it's a consolation. But you're aware of that and you're on the right track. When the nastiness starts you need to remember the things he is saying to you about you have way more to do with his thoughts about himself than anything else. Just remind yourself over and over again, it's not your hurricane and you're not about to get swept up in it.

  4. @Anonymous, you are right... I cannot compare it. I cannot compare divorce to losing a child. You are right, and I don't mean to.

    @Mutuant... thank you. I needed to hear that and I WILL remind myself over and over again.... It's not my hurricane.

    A friend of mine reminded me of this once, and it still holds true today:

    “... is like a tornado roaring his way through the lives of others. Hearts are broken. Sweet relationships are dead. Affections have been uprooted. Selfish and inconsiderate habits have kept the home in turmoil.”


  5. I understand your struggles, but remember... you are not the sole person who has these struggles... there are many single moms AND dads that have these same struggles everyday. Sometimes it helps when we remember we are not alone.

  6. @Anonymous, yep, yep. I agree. I'm not the sole person. I'm just venting. I'm experiencing it for the first time and so it feels weird and raw and unkind. I'm not alone. I will have breakfast this Saturday with two friends who have walked thru this JUST before me. At this very moment I am texting a friend — Andy — who lives in NY. He is going thru it too, about a year ahead of me. In fact, his text right now reads: Not going to sugar coat this but the process of separating your lives is no picnic. But I'll be there for you if you need to scream, rant or curse like a sailor!! But when you're done, your peace of mind feels a great relief. Just know there is the other side. And plenty of friends as well!!

    I'm glad I have friends to walk thru this with me.

  7. Stand Firm Andrea and know that you are NOT alone. The greatest gift you can give Oliver is You and living the Truth of HIS Holy word. Remember "for God did not give you a spirit of timidity, but a spirit of Power"...2 Timothy 1:7. The light will always overtake the darkness. May "His word be a lamp to your feet and a light for your path" (Psalm 119:105) and know HE is always near: "So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my Righteous right hand."(Isaiah 41:10) Keep the faith and Live the Truth and the Truth WILL Set you FREE !!! There are many reasons Matt turns things around, One is guilt and shame and what he has done and that is hard for him to face. He doesn't want to be held accountable for His actions therefore you get the brunt of his guilt. It harder for Matt to look in the mirror and see all the brokenness, guilt and pain caused by this and much easier to project his brokenness on you. God is bigger than all this and one day we will all have to give account to the Lord for what he has given us. Keep your eyes focused on Him and HE will guide you and Oliver in the path he wants you to take. Don't take to heart the words and actions of an unbeliever but remember he who walks wisely will be delivered (Proverbs 28:26)
    Stay strong for He will make you strong when you are weak. You are not Alone.....
    Grace and Peace

  8. Stop responding to his texts. Get one of your supportive friends to hand off Oliver to his father for his visits. Don't have contact with him! Set your boundaries!

    I think you are doing a great job with Oliver. Don't worry about anything else.


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