Vocabulary Lesson & Single Motherdom

au·dac·i·ty
[aw-das-i-tee]
noun

1. boldness daring, especially confident or arrogant disregard for personal safety, conventional thought, or other restrictions.
2. effrontery or insolence; shameless boldness: His questioner’s audacity shocked the lecturer.
   
   

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One of the things that has come up is the overwhelming sense of duty I have for Oliver. As a single, full-time working mom with most of the placement for Oliver, I have a very hard time getting everything done that I need to get done. As you can see, managing my life, my career, Oliver’s life and a home is very hard for me. It’s a lot of work. By myself, I cannot seem to balance it all.

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What do you think of this statement? How would you respond? I’m curious. If you have any insight, criticisms, support or comments, I’d really REALLY love to hear them. Afterwards, I'll share with you why I am asking.

OK I think I’ll just be honest here, prior to getting responses.

Friends, I work my butt off. I have spent 16 months in pain, grief and in hopeful anticipation of a reconciliation with my X. I no longer am in that place, and I’m very glad to be at this point.

However, I am constantly turned up-side-down when the X fails to recognize the strength, stamina, courage and effort it takes to walk away with dignity and grace from a relationship that meant so much to me. (Not to mention, I have only just begun to walk away!) I have a home to take care of. A child that takes up most of my time. (I’m not complaining! I love being with him.) A career. A life outside of my job and Oliver (altho it’s a small life). I have recovery and church. I have my mentors. I mentor others. I love to cook. Blog. Read. Photograph. Edit photos. I do a very little bit of volunteer work on the side as well. I have this amazing cottage where I spend many summer weekends away. I rarely hire sitters, but I don’t hesitate to use them when necessary. I hire a cleaning woman 1 or 2 times a month. I have my child’s sitter come over to help me organize. I have an assistant that will help me with whatever I need: shopping, cleaning, organizing, book keeping, etc. I’m on the go constantly. I run. I’m a busy woman. I’m a mother and more than a mother, I am a dedicated and loyal friend, a daughter, a sister, and auntie. I have people in my life whom I am obligated to, whom I maintain relationships with. And pretty much everyone in my life supports me, cheers me on, applauds my efforts and allows me the cushion to dip into self-pity on occasion. More than once I have been told to take a nap, slow down, let things go. Even Father Tom Weston told me at the retreat I was on recently that I need to take a nap. Rest. Take care of me. (I am currently writing a post about that weekend retreat. Stay tuned!) I’m on the go constantly. I work thru my lunches sometimes, clocking in 8 to 10-hour days. I fall asleep between 11 and midnight, and I awake each day at dawn despite being on a medication that makes me wake extremely tired. I have to pray, exercise, meditate, take vitamins and medications, talk to others, read spiritual literature, attend church, see my therapist and countless other things just to be able to live my life as a functional adult.

Thee one person, and I mean thee one person who cannot see that is the X. It pisses me off and takes me by surprise each time he has the audacity to criticize me for poor time management.

Really friends? Really?

It pisses me off that he tells me we both just need to move on. Really friends? Really? It’s been only 2 months for me in this phase.

Why the hell do I get so pissed? I ask you because I am pissed without a true valid understanding of why I feel this way.

The statement I wrote above I said to my X. His reply was talk to me about time management and sacrifices that I might not like in order to get things done.

Why do I let this bother me? Why? I want to be rid of this crap. I hate him so much these days. I know the hatred and anger will go away eventually. I pray for him often, I pray that his hardened heart will soften. I pray that I will be able to forgive him some day. I remind myself, my journey of letting go has only just started. It’s only 2 months old.

The best answer I can give (I’ve heard it from my dear friend) is that X just does not care about me. X cannot see that he is losing the best thing he’s ever had (not that I want him back anymore) .... but he cannot look at it. He can’t or he will see that he has fucked up so badly. It’s too painful for him to look at. He has to lie and convince himself that he’s fine. That it’s all going to be fine. Oliver will be fine. I will be fine. (He’s right about that at least. I will be OK. And I’m sure Oliver will too.)

After I realized this today, I felt much relief.

If you don’t think I’m right, go ahead and read this. I think this explains him so well.

So yes, comment if you want. I’m not needing your affirmations as much as I thought I would. I guess I was looking for support, for those words to tell me that I am doing a good job. That I AM working my ass off. That I am good mother. That I should not expect the world of myself. That I am a single mom, that I am a full-time working mother with no help (from the father).

Who said it recently? "You’re under staffed." I love that.

I believe it. I don’t feel sorry for myself. I’m just trying to figure it all out.

My friend Maggie just sent me a message saying that what X thinks I should or should not be doing is not his business. That I don’t need to waste any more precious moments on his behavior. She’s so right. I need to keep doing what I’m doing. God will lead me day by day in LOVE not sickness. (Her words... and I swallowed them up and made them my own.)

And really, I think mainly, I’m proud of myself. And Oliver should be proud of me too. I love that boy. He is my number one. It’s not bad for me to want to have a life outside of him, outside of work. It’s good. I need it. I need it to stay sane.

I’ve been thru hell. It’s not as bad as some losses, this I know. But in fact, I met a woman in my Divorce Care class who was a widow AND is going thru a divorce right now. She said losing her first husband to death was easier than divorce. So at the same time, I need not discount the strength it takes to walk thru this crap.

I just pray I don’t fall under the X’s pharisaical thumb when responding to emails and verbal exchanges. I need more practice with an invisible cloak of protection around my heart. Perhaps if you want to give something to me today, you could say a pray for that shield. I want to like myself and feel confident in who I am, not be rocked by someone’s negative opinion of me. I want to walk with dignity and grace thru this short but beautiful life we all have the opportunity to embrace.

I mentioned I’d write a gratitude list. Today, I’m grateful for the strength and life I’ve been given.

Thanks for joining me on this journey.