Hell Hath No Fury Like a Woman Scorned

Ready for this? ‘Cause it ain't gonna be pretty.

I hope you can see, if you are a long standing reader of RP, that there has definitely been a shift in me. I can't quite explain it. Part God. Part the X doing me a favor. Part the new drug cocktail I've been prescribed. I see things realistically now, and trust me, I'm beyond disgusted and angry. I'm so angry in fact, that I have to distract myself in order to not think about it, lest I start scheming and devising retaliation strategies (see video at end of post). I have found myself for the first time in 18 months unable to sleep at night. My anger brews adrenaline in mass quantities with enough left over to be shared with 3 Indy car drivers, 2 defensive tackles and one coked up crack junkie. I have to put it out of my mind, for at this point, the past is the past and there is not much I can do about it. However, I find myself going back in years and realizing how much I've been taken advantage of. I find myself at times wanting to blame the X's mother for not teaching him morals, about God, about how to be a man, how to stand up friggin’ straight and chew with your mouth closed. And your sleeve is not a napkin, dammit! Yet, it's not her fault, and I do know that. (For the record, he does chew with his mouth closed.)

What it does do for me, when I go to that place of thinking what kind of upbringing did he have, is realize how incredibly grateful I am for the parents I had. There was no question in my mind as a young girl, I would go on to college someday. My parents, altho not wealthy by any means (we never had new furniture, the latest electronics, new clothes or fancy dinners), made certain that I had a parochial education. It was there as well as at home that I learned about God, how to have respect for each other, what true friendship was, what it meant to be a responsible person on this planet and the privileges and duties that ensued along with that. I learned of morals, prayer, rituals, and religion. I have no beef with any of that. Even tho I am no longer Catholic, I am greatly appreciative of the evil and cruel Sisters of St Adalbert's Catholic School, limiting and punitive as they could be at times. I also appreciate the unattractive, gloriously disgusting uniforms we had to wear. I did find a way to seek disproving eyes from Sister Superior, the principal of our school as I hiked my short brown skort up as high as it would go. She mourned the loss of my dignity but I elated in it. She had nothing to worry about however, as I was too shy to ever kiss a boy. I just wanted to feel pretty — sexy wasn't in the vocabulary of a 5th grader in those days. Hence, the short short skirt and the smaller, less baggy jumper too and the budding breasts of a 11-year old, what can I say. I am who I am, and some of those morals (and short skirts) still define who I am today. My bosoms are more than budding today, thank goodness.

I thank God for my parents, the duo of which I would have gladly traded for another back in the day. My mother was never one for fashion — what mother does to a young growing female aware of the latest trends and skinny pop stars fashions — nor did she have the money for it. To top it off, she wore a wig most of her life, and as she aged, she refused to incorporate a little grey into her coif. All my friends had younger sets of parents, and I often was embarrassed when kids would ask if the woman dropping me off at school was my grandmother. My mom was 41 when she gave birth to me. I swore I would never do that to my children. But history has a way of repeating itself. I was 43 when Oliver was born.

So back to the anger.

Anger fuels me along right now. I cannot tell you about it lest my entire day gets ruined. As I begin to think about it, my chest gets heavy, my blood starts to roar thru my veins; I feel like I will explode. It's like being locked in a jail cell. I can scream and bang on the bars all I want. It wont change a thing. I'm not sure how I will diffuse this bomb. Thank goodness for my the support I have in place. Because it's difficult to keep it all inside and as I've let just a tiny bit out at the X I get feedback something to the order of, "I know I've hurt you but lets put our differences aside and focus on moving forward as friends, shall we."

Wanna hear that one again?

"I know I've hurt you but lets put our differences aside and focus on moving forward as friends, shall we."

OK, lets look at this statement, shall we?

Hurt me...
I'm laughing now. For real? Hurt? Seriously? Hurt? Are you fucking serious? (I told you I was going to swear more, and in fact will quit apologizing for it.) I just have to laugh at that because it's so ridiculous, so incredulous that it's possibly one of the most understated words X could have used to describe the last 2 years or more. Hurt. Lets see. When someone steps on my toe, yep, that hurts. Sure does. When someone does xxxx, xxxxx, xxxxx and xxxxx to you (and I'm being very kind here), it's like pulling the skin off your body, cutting your chest open, pulling your heart out, sticking pins all over it, placing it back into your chest, stapling your veins and chest back together and then expecting you to run a relay race naked in front of a crowd of thousands jeering at you for your lack of swiftness and agility. I really can't say anything more about this.

Lets put our differences aside.....
Excuse me? Differences? Let see, I want to keep my marriage vows. You don't. I want to work on the marriage. You don't. I want to remain faithful while separated. You don't. I want to improve myself to be a better wife, mother, sister, daughter, employee and friend. You don't. I take accountability for the bad in our marriage. Your accountability remains that of perhaps you should have told me I was shitty a long long time ago. I hold you in good light while you are doing God knows what with God knows who and God knows where. (Yes, X still wont tell me where he lives.) You view me as evil old wicked witch of the west who will never change. Speaking of change, I have changed. You haven't. OK, so lets put the fact that I respect the vows of marriage and my commitment to my family aside, while you don't respect any of that, and now lets be friends. OK, yeah, sure. I can do that. A-hole.

Lets put our differences aside.....
Excuse me, but what have I been doing the last 18 months? Haven't I been patient, hopeful and optimistic? Haven't I tried to see you in the best light? Haven't I tried everything possible to give you the "space" you asked for so you could find out why you're so unhappy? Haven't I stood by while you bought new clothes, cleaned up your appearance, whitened your teeth, basked in the sun by your pool, showed off your tan to me, traveled to countless Badger games, Packer games, Brewer games, the Rose Bowl in fact? Haven't I little by little picked up all the bills that you once paid? Haven't I stood up for you while everyone around me told me to let go and move on? Haven't I said nothing while you said you couldn't make up your mind about us. While you continued to put us in financial jeopardy without consulting me? While you bought new vehicles? Left me to take of our home? I'd say I did a damn good job of putting our differences aside.

moving forward as friends....

friend [frend] noun
  1. a person attached to another by feelings of affection or personal regard
  2. a person who gives assistance; a supporter
  3. a person who is on good terms with another; a person who is not hostile
I need not say more.

One last note. For those of you who are possibly going to comment anything other than “Hoorah for you Andrea! We've been praying this day would happen!” or “You go girl!” and instead will give me advice on forgiveness I beg you to acknowledge these thoughts below. And trust me when I say, anger is only a stage. (Read Elizabeth Kubler-Ross) Forgiveness is around the corner, after I heal, or get laid, whichever comes first.

The philosopher Aristotle certainly thought that anger was good for a person. In the “Nicomachean Ethics,” he wrote, "The man who is angry at the right things and with the right people, and further, as he ought, when he ought, and as long as he ought, is praised."

Quotes like Senaca’s “The best cure for anger is delay,” and Ben Franklin’s “Whatever is done in anger ends in shame,” are seen as a way of reasoning against one of our most powerful instinctive urges. When that happens, we clearly have lost sense of what it means to be human.

Take it away Carrie.

Sister Theresa, you happy now? ;)

*  *  *  *  *

And a special thanks to the Dancing Divorcee for this inspiration to write the post, the wonderful title "Hell hath no fury....",  for the inspiration to find a video to match my feelings and for her wonderful way with words — talented as she is, honest as she is, the mother that she is — she forges the path for me, and she doesn't even know it! :) Thanks girl!


  1. Oh yeah! You go girl! :) We love ya....


  2. Long time lurker coming out to say hi...and...YOU GO GIRL!

  3. Hang in there. The anger - you deserve to feel it. For a good, long while, too. Ride that wave and go with it. Just don't let it keep you from finding joy in your boy and the rest of the world. One day, you'll be done with the anger and will be able to shut this door and move on. Just be kind to yourself and hold on.

  4. You deserve to get angry indeed but remember this:
    "Resentment is like taking poison and hoping the other person dies"~St. Augustine
    I know you said to not give you advice and that is all l will say.
    Kick some ass woman! Channel that anger into nailing his ass to the wall and getting what you and your son deserve, which is respect and being taken care of properly. Hold him to that and if he won't then move on and blaze your own pathway! You certainly have a good head of steam going already. Take charge!

    Andy xoxo

  5. congratulations! i'm so proud of you… not because you're angry - but because you're finally not afraid to feel something more then sadness. that is a huge step my friend! and the courage to write it all out loud! that's great. you should feel empowered… on the road to taking your life back!

    its great… you're making progress and hopefully soon - you'll feel like YOU are in control of you again.

    that's the ultimate goal. everything else will fall into place!

    woo hoo for the post!


  6. Long time lurker number 2. I've found you via another blog, and have commented.
    I think this is good. Steam some more, and it will find a way to dissapate, and then? Then it will be gone. And you will find peace.

  7. I am so happy you are moving forward. You deserve to be treated with dignity and respect. It seems like you are finally done accepting unacceptable behavior.

    You are a good mommy and a beautiful woman. Keep up the good work!

  8. Guess who! I'm dancing for joy! Make sure you protect yourself. I hope I don't want to hear that you still have a joint checking account. S-E-P-A-R-A-T-E...legally. But don't go bustin' up his car. I'll do that when I get up there. Ok, not really, but I'm glad you're finally pissed. Give it a year or two and that will pass. Sooner if you meet someone nice. And remember what Maya Angelou and Oprah say-Believe him when he tells you about himself the first time! Happy, happy, happy! By the way, I took the year off of work. I'll retire next year. Oops! TMI You probably know who this is now.

  9. Andrea, you can delete this comment as soon as you read it, this is up to you. Just know that it is not meant in a mean way, quite the contrary.

    It is good and healthy to feel anger towards him and the entire situation you are in. In fact it will help you to move forward indeed.

    Just remember that what ever you write about him, there is a chance that Oliver might read this one day. It is the Internet...
    As much as I can empathize with you when reading about his lack of manners, chewing food w.open mouth etc., he is Oliver's father. I wouldn't go there, not here on this blog. You are better than this and don't need to step down on his level.

  10. Hello... to the anonymous post just above, I know and hear what you're sayin'. I realize Oliver may read this some day. I guess the mouth thing was just an exaggeration. The one thing that I was a bit apprehensive about was the "bashing" part which I swore I would never do. Oh well. I thought about this and chose to post anyway. Maybe this post can still surface, but I thought perhaps I could delete this post after it served it's purpose. Not sure when that might be.

    Thanks for the comment and I wont delete it.


  11. Just to let you know, those anon comments weren't from older and wiser.

  12. HOORAY FOR ANGER - it is a necessary and healing emotion. This article and the rage that inspired it are proof positive that you are moving through this stage of your life in a healthy way so you can emerge on the other side stronger and happier than ever. I think the rest of us have been angry FOR you for a long time - but you are the one who has been wronged, so embrace it as part of your story and then take charge and write the rest of the book they way YOU want it!!!


  13. Thank you thank you to everyone who commented here. I so appreciate the support. You have NOOOOOOOOO idea. Underneath all the anger is angst and hurt, but for now, I am using the anger to propel me forward, take action and take care of myself. Setting limits, watching out for MY best interests for a change instead of trusting someone who has proved to me in the last 18 months, over and over, that he cannot be trusted. He does not have MY best interests in mind, that is for sure. He's just lucky I never published any of his emails to me. You guys would probably want to lynch mob him.

    OK enough bashing for now. If I keep on, you wont believe me when I say how much God has changed me this past year. (It's an upcoming post I'm writing.) But y'all remember: I'm human too.

    Love you all, and thank you for commenting,


  14. @ Andy, I wanted to comment about your Resentment quote which I am well aware of...

    Anger is defined as 'a strong feeling of displeasure and, usually, of antagonism.'

    Resentment, on the other hand, is 'persistent ill will...'

    Do you see the difference? Anger is that sudden emotion that overcomes us. (Which is happening to me now.)

    Anger turns into resentment when we allow the anger to become persistent. If we allow our anger to grow so we take some sort of destructive action we're into resentment.

    If we let that anger simmer so we're having fantasies of revenge, we're dealing with resentment.

    Thanks for your kind support, but anger is a healthy and natural stage of grief. We have to go thru all 5 stages of it. Read Elizabeth Kubler-Ross if you're not familiar with those stages.

    As I wrote, I wont be in anger long. I'll be out as soon as I heal, or get laid, whichever comes first!


    x o x o, andrea

  15. Send me the emails. I won't be surprised.

  16. I'm serious baby sister. Send me the emails.

  17. Andrea -

    I am glad you are feeling anger. I am sure there is some healthy aspect to it. Let it out. And I am sure you can quote dozens of more authors and philosophers to support you. Still, I wholeheartedly agree with your friend Andy, beware, it can be like taking a poison.

    Promise me, don't let the anger stay with you too long. Let it cleanse you like a very harsh detergent. And then, rinse it away, along with the "dirt" from Matt, with the purest type of soul cleansing ... that can only be found at a place like Epikos. Of course, you know what I mean. By doing so, you will find peace and the type of strength that Oliver truly needs to see in you as he grows. And Matt will be incapable of making you angry, sad, or any other type of emotion. You will be a concrete wall. Yes, he will be forever linked to you through Oliver. But you will have neutered him ... as you at long last move forward.

    You, Oliver and, yes, Matt will be in my prayers.

    Ron (Kellow)

  18. Andrea, you are such a bore.

  19. Andi, I've spent the past week thinking about this amazing blog entry. I stand by you completely. You have put so much into the last couple of years--it has not been an easy road. Try not to worry too much about the blog entry and how Oliver takes it. By that time, he will have his own opinion of his parents apart and together. That opinion will be based on his day to day life with both of you--not some 'moment in time' when you expressed anger. Also, you are teaching him that expressing anger can be healthy and help in the healing process. And remember, you will continue to talk with him and keep that open relationship with your son--if he has questions, about anything, you are there to try to respond. Like you said, you are human...the quicker children see that in both parents, the better. As for the future, you are on you're way. You have many good things going--not to mention beauty, charm, smarts and a loving heart that won't quit for pete's sake. I appreciate how you wrote about growing up with your own parents as well. Since becoming a parent myself, I often think of how my parents did things and I'm grateful--despite their mistakes, snafus and general craziness.
    Oh, I also wanted to say that I really liked Ron's entry--you rock Ron! Love that concrete wall picture...:')
    You are loved friend--please remember that, above all else. Deb

  20. Andrea this song came on my Pandora and it made me think of this post of yours! LOL! I think you'll enjoy it thoroughly my love: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CK2c5kbaZVI

  21. Wow. I see from later posts that you put it out there and then moved on, which is about all you can do - don't know what he did this time, but it doesn't really matter, as long as your process is moving forward. There's really no heoism in keeping all this inside, or even keeping it from him for that matter. I'm just happy that your world is opening up, and that you are owning your own value again. Like Ron, I pray for you all.

    Love and all the support you need!


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