Fueled by Anger

I noticed that I'm feeling angry lately. Actually I'm rip-roaring mad. I'm beside myself with thoughts of revenge, and I know that if I want to rest my head on my pillow each night in peace, I cannot act on the revenge. But trust me, it's tempting. At this point Matt can hold nothing, absolutely nothing over my head anymore and it feels great. I'm not the same old me anymore, and absolutely nothing Matt says or does at this point will deter me from moving on, from being who I am. WTF...... sorry, I said I needed to swear more and guess what? I'm totally ready to and have been for the last week.

I looked at apartments last week. It was great. I found some really nice ones and I'm tempted to move in. I realized, like I wrote, that I no longer want to come home to this house. I've been told not to act in haste, not to make decisions while I'm angry. So I'm waiting a bit. But in all reality, I can't wait to get out of this home, to move on with my life, to explore, find, have fun, get rid of, move on, take control back and hold my head up high. Yes, while I'm angry I can say that there has been nothing, NOTHING I have done that I regret, nothing that I have done that I am ashamed of, nothing that I have done in the past 17 months that I need to make amends for. I have taken the high road, done everything I possibly could to save this marriage, have been patient, kind, loving, generous and have taken a very very good loook at myself and made a lot of changes. Nothing has made a difference in my husband's eyes. I feel bad for Oliver actually because what kind of example is Matt to him?

Maybe I'm jaded and in time will find forgiveness and compassion for what Matt has done, but I guess you are seeing the flip side now. I have no respect left for him, I actually feel sorry for him. I think what he has done the past year is not nice, not kind, not noble and not respectable. I have nothing good to say about him today, and I think that's mainly because I have finally moved into the anger stage. Yet I will never ever vent about it all here, for I do not think it is right to use a public platform to tell you all about his human nature, for I too have not been great at being a good wife.

It will be nice to move out of this raging fire of fury. I hope I do not stay here long. But for now it's where I need to be so that I can let go and move on.

Part of me wishes that my ire would scare him into right size, but my best guess is that he'll laugh at me, think even more poorly of me, seal the deal, and so on and so forth. You know what? I don't care. He holds nothing over me anymore.

To say that I am hurt is putting it mildly. What has been done to me, what has been done to my son is practically unforgiveable, and it will probably just get worse and worse. Divorce is unbelievable. It really is, if you don't know this first hand already. I know that I will find it in me  to forgive him some day so that I do not poison myself for the rest of my life. However, like I said, I'm using this energy to propel myself forward and to move on without looking back.

This weekend I will pack up everything that Matt gave me, all the photos and anything that reminds me of him or of us, and I will put it in a box. I was going to donate it all, but I was told to wait until I'm less angry.

And by the way, you guys don't even know the half of what he's said or done. If you did, you'd probably laugh at me for hanging on as long as I have. All I can say is that I will be able to hold my head up high, look my son in the eye some day when he's old enough to understand this, and tell him that I did everything I possibly could to keep this marriage together. I did it for me, for us and for him.

Like Matt said last October, one year ago:

You are not responsible for the downfall of the business or our marriage. It's me that can't see the good in you when there is a lot it. You have been doing a good job and deserve the kudos. My's happiness has to come from within, until that happens I can't appreciate or be happy. I thought the grass was greener on the side. I thought it was all you. It's me that's not happy.

That is the only time you will see me quote Matt on RP. This is what he texted me on October 26, 2010.

What happened shortly after that until now is a mystery to me. All that has gone away. I'm to blame again, according to him.  I guess I'm just not willing to take the blame anymore.

If you have any insight, I'd be happy to read your comments below. This is a mystery to me, and I have decided that I'm done trying to figure it all out. I don't understand it, I probably never will.


  1. A, when you are finished with your anger can i have it? please. I'm not there and I need to be.

    ((( )))s R

  2. here's what i think...

    1) way to go...whatever you do, it's clear you're gaining strength and that's what's most important.

    2) here's my guess about what's going on...we never like to see ourselves in an unflattering light. I'm sure that after his realization that he was not happy and that he had a chunk of responsibility, he suppressed it, b/c it wasn't part of his self-view that he wanted... while it's sad, it is also human nature. So, it's easier to blame you than to accept that he might be at fault.

    just a theory/hypothesis. Keep being strong, keep your faith, and keep loving that little adorable boy.

    with warmest wishes,


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