Calling in the Troops

a friend of mine today said that i had better face reality; that this divorce is really going to happen. i faced it already, and it's a hard bitter pill to swallow. it's on me to accept it.

nope, nope, i don't want to.

i try to accept it and then hope creeps in. it's just there.

but guess what. i am getting used to this way of life. it shocked me, saddened me the other day when i was thinking up plans for next summer and they didn't include matt. that means something, right? (gulp) altho at this moment, i'm not sure what.

i guess it's why my therapist says, i AM living and functioning without him. living yes. participating? in body mostly. functioning? not so sure about that. i barely make it to work with a fresh set of clothes on, my hair disheveled, face without makeup. At least my teeth are brushed... usually. i feel if child protective services came over and saw the condition of my home, my floors, the dirty dishes in my sink, the rotting food in my fridge, the dirty clothes piled in baskets, the clean clothes waiting to be folded and put away, the cat by-products all over my home.... the lawn unkempt and unmowed, the dead dried mums in the pots in the front of the house and the overgrown dying tomato plants around my yard, not to mention the cat waste there, they'd snatch peanut away, and have every right to! i'm a terrible mom. managing a home entirely, paying almost all the bills now, working full time and hitting up two to three meetings a week (bible studies of the sort) .... (and please don't take those away from me b/c that is the ONLY thing that is keeping me somewhat sane) and being a single mom is just a wee bit overwhelming. i can't get it all done because i'm understaffed. something's gotta give. so i threw out the white flag two days ago and called in the troops. my “assistant” and my cleaning lady. love those women. i admit defeat. shamefully. i just can't get it all done. i want to think i'm super mom, because you know what? other mom's are doing this. so why can't i? maybe because on top of all this i'm fighting a clinical depression, going thru the stages of grief and loss, and oh, there's one more thing i haven't told you and it involves the loss of a huge sum of monies... so much so that soon i will be broke. yes, it's just a tad bit overwelming.

so i picked up a book this week. i knew there had to be a book out there, i've been dying to read one, about a widow from 911. i mean, there just had to be a book that someone's wife wrote. there had to be. i searched and searched and finally i found one. i'm so glad, not because someone had to experience a horrific nightmare more painful than pulling the skin off her body, but because there are others out there who have experienced a grand loss, and who, i'm hoping, can teach me about healing and moving on. i needed another woman to relate to. the ones i've met in my divorce care class are in the same boat as me. we are all hoping this boat wont sink and that we'll be fed and well-cared for, but right now, we can't see the shoreline. it sucks and it feels never-ending.

friends, i want so badly for this to be over. i want it to be a year from now already, or two years down the road, or maybe three. please can't we just skip to that place in my life? the place where i get to say this was all worth it, where i get to have the man of my dreams, that second chance at true love. you know the one... he adores my son as much as i do and i get to do it right and this darn break up doesn't have to hurt so much anymore? please? huh? pretty pretty please?

and you know what, that is exactly what the author of this book wrote and i knew when i read that that i liked her and that i was absolutely meant to read that book.

there are so many great things in my life. i just have to hang on to those things. my husband, (i really need to stop calling him that) is not someone i want to be with right now. he is not the kind of person i want or need, and he cannot fill any of my needs right now, nor does he want to. what takes some women (or men) only months to figure out has taken me over a year. 17 months to be exact. it's not going to change. it hasn't changed. i'm not sure it will change anymore, and sigh...... i am sad to say that all those people may have been right. i was rooting for the wrong team i guess. matt had a fan club, and he never wanted to be famous. he just wanted to be left alone.

i don't know. rejection is really terrific, you know? it rocks your core. it's easy for others to say i'll be ok, that i'm worth it, but i have to believe it. and i don't. when the person who you loved the most refuses to see the good in you, betrays you, no longer cares about you, well, it rips the road out from under your feet. i'm standing on one leg trying to cross the finish line and i just can't make it. i'm tired i'm sad i'm hurt i'm thirsty i'm lonely i'm spent, i'm dead is what i am. i'm dead.

look, this is not a sad post today. really, it isn't. i'm strong, and i'm starting to realize that. i've had a few good days last week actually. oh sure, door county and too much time alone after my son falls asleep tackles my ego much like a heard of elephants walking thru flower garden. there's not much pretty to look at after they leave. i just can't shake this rejection, this feeling that i'm a loser. of course i know i'm not! :) i'm not! but my heart. what do i do with this heart?

i know i cannot share the intimate details of what's been said to me. it's just not fair to my husband (strike that) matt. it's not. because we all say things in anger. we do. and we all say things when we're backed up against a wall. we say things when we are in fear. and we say things when we are hurting. it's human nature and absolutely no one is exempt and no one is perfect.

yet the things he has said, even tho i know he is hurting himself and in his right mind may not have said them exactly the way he did, well they ripped me to my core and for some inexplicable reason, i tend to believe them even tho i KNOW in my heart they are not true. i think it's me who is just one rotten, ugly, scrap of a human being. and he's free from me. and he's free from the hurt and pain i've caused him and well, folks, maybe this is payback. maybe this is karma. maybe god's grace isn't going to get me outta this one. who knows.

i guess the only way to get thru the fire is to keep on walking. i heard that once. maybe this is my excuse to go out and get a new pair of shoes — fireproof boots. they gotta be out there.


  1. you are an amazing woman. i admire you.

    hugs, R

  2. our thoughts and prayers are with you while you walk this tough road...please don't blame yourself so much for your humanity, and keep hanging in there.

    - a regular reader

  3. Hugs Andrea!

    Baby steps & it's ok to let others help. You are loved!

  4. It is actually a sign of great strength to 'call in the troops.' I'm so glad to hear you have some people to hang out with (Bible studies) while you are going through all this. I am praying for you. One step at a time.

  5. There is always a shoulder to lean on here, a hand to reach into the darkness and pull you up! Never give up, always one foot in front of the other. Surrender is not an option. You are a strong person who can do this and has to do it. When the meanies creep in, give a call, put a great song on your ipod or just yell at the top of your lungs!! It really is amazing what a good yell can do for the soul : ) Believe me it works! There are so many that care for you. Let go and be free! xoxo

  6. Ok …. Its cliché, but absolutely true. What doesn't kill us makes us stronger. I believe that wholeheartedly – and I’m living proof. Someone once told me that experience is what you get when you don’t get what you want… and now I say I have a whole LOT of experience. You will have good days and bad days now – but one of many lights at the end of this tunnel will be more good days then bad. It’s not easy – but I promise you, you’ll get through this and be even stronger when you do. And never forget – you have the unconditional love of that little boy. He is your rock and if you can’t find any other reason to get up in the morning – do it for him.

    And don't forget, you've got lots of friends. :)


  7. Andrea! I feel so bad for your pain. I have not been on in a month and I'm catching up... I haven't been in Starbuck on SS in WFB for awhile because Maija's dance class schedule changed.... it will go back to it's normal time after Thanksgiving.. Let's plan to get together. I would LOVE to buy Peanut a hot chocolate!
    (reply to me on FB) I am praying for you!


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