My Prayer

I say this prayer daily. I used to say it for years, on my knees, each and every single morning, until finally, one day, I realized it had come true. Recently I have started saying this prayer again, altho I have tweaked the wording a bit. Feel free to use it yourself, substituting any person you like. It works for children, parents, brothers, sisters, coworkers alike.

Dear God,

Help me not to take everything personally.
Help me to have a sense of humor.
Help me to remembered that Matt is:
my husband, my friend, a hard worker and a good man
and not my adversary
Help me to be willing to do whatever it takes.

I have to tell you, the spin on this blog has never really been one where I bash my husband. You guys have heard only bits and pieces. You have seen my hurt, my pain and my anguish. You've seen a bit of Oliver's hurt too. But you have never heard Matt's side of the story. Maybe what he did (leaving) trumps whatever I did. That may be true if you want to believe that. But here's the deal, no matter what, Matt is a good man. He was hurt by me, by the things I've said to him, by how I treated him. I don't really like to share that because in all honesty, I feel bad, and my ego finds it hard to be that honest. You might be appalled if you knew.

In all of this he is still a wonderful father. He may have his faults, but don't we all.

At this point, I don't know what I will do. Leave? Stay? I don't know. Like I've shared, so many people have so many opinions. I've been told, "It's time." more than once. You know what? It's my decision. Please allow me that. (You have... mostly, almost all of you have.) I know no one likes to see people they love or care about hurt. I get that.

All I know is that this crap takes time. One of my favorite readings in Emmet Fox says,

Don't hurry the Chicken (October 14th)

A city child was spending his vacation on a farm. They showed him a hen sitting on a nest of eggs and told him that some day a little chicken would come out of each egg. ...

Days passed and nothing happened. The eggs still looked exactly the same. Not the slightest change occurred in the appearance of things, and gradually his faith waned. At last one day he told himself bitterly that he had been deceived.

Next day however, from habit, he went around to the nest as usual, but without any hope; and behold, what was his joy to see a flock of little chickens running about.

Of course wonderful changes had been taking place all the time, behind the shells, but there was nothing to show for it until the very last moment. Some of our greatest demonstrations come to us like this. In this story, it was the spectator who lost faith, and so it did not matter. If the mother hen had lost her faith — well, there would have been no chickens. Give your demonstrations time to hatch.

And let us not be weary in well-doing: or in due season we shall reap if we faint not. (Galations 6:9)

I need to give myself and my marriage time. Only God knows where this will end up. For now, please allow me the space to figure it out. Matt is a good man. Really. He is! I was not the best wife. I am not the reason our marriage fell apart. I'm not the reason he lost his business. It's not my fault. But I could have been better. I'm not completely innocent.

I've learned so much these past 16 months. I know how to be a better wife now. I know I'm better person for this. Do I wish this on any family? No way. But thru this I've found my way back to God... I'm exploring Christianity, which is fitting into my life in a way that I never thought it would (because I can be so liberal at times), and I have done a thorough self-inventory of my wrongs. I see what I've done and I'm ready to make living amends. I don't bash Matt. I don't want to. And I hope you can see that he is just another one of God's kids who's trying to find his way too. In his eyes, he feels he's doing the best he can, that he's trying to do the right things.

We all make mistakes.



  1. andrea - your strength and perspective continue to amaze me. thanks for opening your heart on your blog!

    also: have you heard of the book "the power of a praying wife"? i read only a little bit of it when i was visiting my sister in Charlotte, but i loved it. it's maybe a little topically specific but the idea behind it is really encouraging, just the general power of prayer and what it means to be praying intentionally for your husband and your relationship. just thought of you when i saw it.

  2. Thanks Lisa. This is hard and I appreciate readers who are patient with me. Some friends really want me to move on. I am torn. I read some of Sally Conway's books, and a couple books by Michele Weiner-Davis. Both are authors who think outside the box. Every other person wants me to move on. It's hard. Really. It takes a lot of strength and patience. I dn't know if I have the strength sometimes. I just want to give up because the pain is so intense. The best thing I can do to alleviate pain is to focus on me and take care of myself. Only then do I get relief and feel happiness.

    I am so happy for you and your little baby to come! :)

    And thank you for the reminder about that book. I have heard of it. I will check it out! :)

    Hugs, andrea

  3. Hey Andrea, a beautifully written post (as usual.) Often our hearts don't follow a timetable. I see that now as I go through grieving .... where I am "supposed to be" has no bearing on where I really am.

    I do hurt watching you hurt ... and I have suggested that it may be time to move on. But I hope I have presented that idea gently and not had you feel that I am pushing you. If I have, I apologize. You have to do what is best for you and if your marriage ends I know that you need to feel you did EVERYTHING you could. I love you and support you in whatever you choose.

  4. Andrea,
    Only you will know when it is time to move on. I periodically post a comment on your blog as we are sharing the same experience, same timeline and similar emotion.
    I recently discovered a wonderful online support group that has a Christian theme to it. The group is based for spouses who have been left by a spouse battling mid life crisis. I don't know if that is what Matt is experiencing, my gut tells me perhaps. At the very least it is a wonderful source of education about coping, "standing" for your marriage, etc. The online group is an inspirational group of people who truly " get it ". They understand the flood of emotions, and most of all they will not tell you to move on. They encourage you to take care of yourself and will support you with whatever direction you wish to take.
    I have found it a literal life saver as I have many of my friends & family who are just not able to appreciate what is truly happening in my heart. Here is the link :

  5. You are doing great Andrea - you have to operate on your timeline only - and it doesn't have to make sense to anybody else!

  6. Sweet Andrea, praying for your heart today. Reading your blog 6 or 9 months ago and now... you have changed so much. And that doesn't mean you aren't in the trenches, fighting the battle of a lifetime. It just means you're using this experience to grow, and to be able to grow in this difficult time is something you really ought to feel so proud of. You are so much stronger than you know, even on the bad days.

    People encourage you to move on because they want your hurting to stop. Because the issues are seemingly so black and white to them. That's not how it works, but their motives I believe to be sincere. This is your marriage, your battle, your timeline and it's absolutely worth fighting for. For however long you can. Nothing about it is black and white. I wish you all of the best.

  7. Wow, thank you everyone! I do feel the support.

    Pamela, you have been a rock for me and have never pushed me to do ANYTHING that I didn't think was right on. You mean the world to me and our friendship is extremely important. You have helped me more than you know. It helps, sometimes, to hear a friend be "angry" with Matt because I have hard time getting angry, even tho I think I probably have a right to be. And I know, beyond a shadow of a doubt, that you will support me if my marriage works out. I KNOW you would be kind to Matt if you had to have dinner with him and me for instance. I know you would do that for ME because that is the kind of friend you are. I have many friends like that.

    Diane, thank you. I will check out that group.

    Lisa, thank you... you have been a support to me to, whether you think so or not.

    To everyone to who posts a comment or not: thank you. I know mostly folks are supportive.

    I wrote this post because I think Matt will find it hard to come home if he thinks the world is out to get him and if he thinks I will nail him to a cross.

    I also need to let readers know that I was not a kind wife either. Again, maybe what he did trumps what I did. Regardless, I was not cool. Maybe some day I will share.... We'll see.

    Thanks everyone!!!


  8. Diane, by the way, you might be interested in Sally Conway's books. She is Christian, and she wrote, "Your Husband's Mid-life Crisis" and another one I just read... can't remember the title right now. Both are out of print. She passed on a while back, but her work is amazing.


  9. Andrea thanks! I have read Sally Conway's book I agree it is helpful. It was a resource book that the support forum recommended as well as many other ones.

    Take care and remember the best thing you can do is turn Matt over to God to take care. You are only responsible for yourself and Oliver :-)

  10. In my opinion, you are the only person that can make this decision since you are the one who has to live with the choices you make. :)

    Friends are well meaning, but don't have to live with the outcome :)

    Hang in there - stay close to God... I hear he sees around corners.


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