I’m the Pot

I had a rude awakening yesterday. I wrote this yesterday:

But "hope" was my higher power that whole time — moreso than God. And hope is now gone and I am faced with a death of what was, death of my future, death of my dreams. I don't know, maybe I'm too emotional, too analytical, too wimpy, too insecure, too co-dependent. I never thought of myself as co-dependent. I never thought of myself as insecure either. But to accept not bread crumbs, but intolerance, misunderstanding, demeaning comments, anger, animosity, resentment, self-righteousness indignation, aloofness, stonewalling, rejection, rejection, rejection. And more rejection. Hurtful comments. No remorse. No accountability.


I read that over and over. My husband is acting like this now. Yes, this was about him. I didn't mean to bash him. My purpose was to ask why I accept that. Then it came to me.

I’m writing today to clear something up, something I realized.

This last post was a mirror — a mirror of me. This is how I treated Matt the whole time in our marriage. Oh. My. God. He put up with that for (he says) 5 years.

Yes, I was a good wife too. Yes I loved him. Yes I cooked for him. We held hands. We laughed. We loved. We traveled. We had friends. We had fun! And then... We had a beautiful child together. We grew close after Oliver was born. Very close, a bond that I will never, not ever forget. It's a bond that I think only parents who truly love each other can know, can realize as they gaze upon their creations. It was a fire and an intensity like none other. Oh we had happy times. I spoke at a podium several times, in front of a large audience, and I told him that I loved him. Publicly I declared, "I love you." I watched as he held back tears. I can count on one hand the times I saw him cry. Two of those times were when I told him I loved him in front of a whole crowd. (One was when he quit drinking, another was at Oliver's baptism as he read his blessing to Oliver aloud, and finally once last October when he hugged me with remorse for what he had done, and I told him I would forgive him for all of it. And then there are tears — well there used to be — when we say good bye to his family who live in Switzerland.) I meant something to him. I did. We held each other in bed as lovers, as friends. Each and every single morning without fail there was a coffee cup placed on the bedside table. Whoever was up first made the other coffee. Didn't matter if it was cold by the time the other woke. It was our way of loving each other. And we always kissed good-bye. Each day. Without exception. Even when he moved out, I got a big kiss and hug (and maybe a few tears?). My girl friend just reminded me of the time a couple years back (2) when I presented a birthday cake to my husband. She said the love in his eyes glowed. Oh yes, we loved. We loved, we were friends, we played, prayed (a little) and broke bread together often. He chooses not to remember these things. And yet myself? I miss him with a fierceness that nothing, not one thing on this Earth can quench. Oh God, I still love him that much.


But this... this dark side, this hurt side, this misery. In our struggles it was never him, it was me who wore this cloak of armor. Me with the bitterness. Me holding onto resentment, hurt, casting stones of blame, acting out in anger. This describes me, not my husband...

intolerance, misunderstanding, demeaning comments, anger, animosity, resentment, self-righteousness indignation, aloofness, stonewalling, rejection, rejection, rejection. And more rejection. Hurtful comments. No remorse. No accountability.

Matt lived like that for the last 3 years or longer. That describes me. The words I used to describe him yesterday... those words were merely a mirror of me.




Comments

  1. Andrea,

    The things that you blame yourself for are not unique to you. We all have our flaws.
    Please do not dwell on this, you have acknowledged them, accepted them and I know that you will make healthy changes in them. Release yourself from this guilt - that is something that is within your control.
    In time Matt will remember the good more so than the rough.
    Peace be with you today..

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  2. Thank you Diane. I hope you are right. x o Andrea

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  3. I don't think you have to feel guilt or remorse. You have done the best you can. Not everything is in your control. Turn it over to God and trust the he is with you and loving you, and so many of us do :-) All you need to do is take care of yourself and Oliver. Everything you need will be there.

    Jeri

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  4. I feel incredible guilt. Huge amounts of it. I feel I lost what was most important to me b/c I did not treat someone right. I could have done better. I knew better. I was full of pride.

    And now I know better too. I know how to be a better wife and friend to my partner. But I think it's too little too late to save my marriage.

    Thanks everyone for taking the time to read this and walk with me.

    Andrea

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