The Dignity of Making Choices
Even when I find myself growing in understanding new ways to be strong and can see tangible results from my new attitudes, I still question myself.
Embedded in a difficult situation, I doubt I can ever be free from all this woe and care. When I think of how closely my life is intertwined with Matt's, I'm sure personal freedom is impossible.
The key word is personal. I can free myself from many involvements that seem necessary. I can learn to develop my own personality, to reinforce my personal freedom by leaving Matt free to control his own actions and destiny.
That was today's reading, and when I "personalized" it, it became very clear to me that the last line is what I fear the most. Leaving Matt free to control his own actions and destiny.
No. I don't want to.
But I have to.
Letting go is not easy, is it? :)
So some of you have said that God might be preparing me for someone else, someone who deserves me. Some of my friends are really hoping I will move on. I struggle to let go of hope now. I am not hanging on to much, other than the fact that if we D, it will take more than a year to get thru this. Why? We have some financial problems to solve first and only once these are done can we begin to file. The process can be long and drawn out. It's not going to be fun. To be honest, I can't imagine being with someone else and when I do look around, I don't see many men I like. I see a lot of families, and that's what hurts. Families in our age group, families with young children. And I know that is what I am missing the most. The three of us together, doing things together.
My advice? If you're married and struggling, do you best to make it work. Find a GOOD marriage therapist, and do it before it's too hard to fix. Do your best to look at YOU and see what needs changing in you.