Death

Another post about loss. The last three days have been especially difficult for me. You know what baffles me? There are so many people in this world who get D. And yet I cannot seem to move past wanting to repair what's there. I have held onto hope for 17 months now. That and God has gotten me thru. Friends too. RP too.

But "hope" was my higher power that whole time — moreso than God. And hope is now gone and I am faced with a death of what was, death of my future, death of my dreams. I don't know, maybe I'm too emotional, too analytical, too wimpy, too insecure, too co-dependent. I never thought of myself as co-dependent. I never thought of myself as insecure either. But to accept not bread crumbs, but intolerance, misunderstanding, demeaning comments, anger, animosity, resentment, self-righteousness indignation, aloofness, stonewalling, rejection, rejection, rejection. And more rejection. Hurtful comments. No remorse. No accountability.

This is what I accept. This is what I take. And I don't say this to bash anyone. This is on me. What is it in me that is so effed up that I tolerate these "gifts". Am I like a battered woman who thinks she deserves this?

Does it matter that I am loved around town by so many? Does it matter that I do well in my professional career? Does it matter that so many care and worry about me that I don't have to spend even a single moment alone if I don't have to? A friend said to me yesterday, "We will get you thru this." THAT is what I needed to hear. My husband is dead. Do you hear me? Dead. Gone. Completely friggin' gone. He does not exist anymore. Dammit. Holy Shit. That hurts. I can't even begin to list the losses. And I can't begin to list the self-contempt I have for myself because truly, I do do do feel I blew it in this marriage. I was horrible. I finally got what's due me.

So, yes, this is how I feel today. I hope I get out of this funk. Trust me, I am working hard to fight this sinking feeling of contempt (for myself) and the yucky thoughts that come with it.

Side note: Yes, I have a therapist. I see her often. And she's kind enough to squeeze in appointments for me when I need them. Yes, I have a 12-step group I belong to. I can't tell you what it is. I do work with others. I do have a spiritual mentor too, someone that my pastor appointed to me. I am working full-time and functioning there. Please know I'm doing all I can to survive what --- to me --- is the hardest thing I've ever had to face. Maybe some have it worse. We each have our time in the barrel. This is mine. And it's life-threatening and life-changing, and I. Dont. Like. It. and it Hurts Like Hell.