Temporary Insanity
Hi friends,
This is not a depressing lament today. :) No worries.
I wanted to share some insights I've had lately. I was reading (re-reading) parts of Beth Moore's book, So Long Insecurity
, and came across a section on rejection. Beth writes,
Wow. I could really relate to that. The separation in my marriage has rocked my security. I find myself despising who I see in the mirror sometimes. It's an ebb and flow of liking myself, feeling worthy and then feeling like an old wretched woman. Want my honest opinion? At times I go to the depths of self-loathing and think that the only man who will want me is a fat, chubby, 50-60 year old reject himself. Gah! Not fun thoughts. I try to move onto something else when I fall into that trap. I know I'm beautiful. Maybe not perfectly beautiful. But I'm OK. Lately, I've even criticized my own personality, my ability to keep a clean home, my ability to garden, my lack of ability to stay secure. I'm so insecure, and I know that turns Matt off... it turns all people off actually. Yuck. All last summer I felt less than, except for the fact that I lost a lot of weight and found stomach to be flat as a board (finally!!!). I am surprised that I did not jump into any other man's bed to feel relief if only temporary. Thank goodness for Oliver. I just could not do that. And I know at some deep level I feel more respect for myself than that. I have turned to my God for help, and help I have found. It's been exactly what I needed.
But it's constant work to stay above the water. I have daily reprieves. Sometimes only momentary reprieves.
It's amazing what rejection can do. I am not blaming Matt here. I am looking at how we women can interpret another person's actions. And you know what, if Matt or any man for that matter rejects us, it doesn't have to rock our world with such despair.
My track record in my marriage did not reflect such insane, over-the-edge behaviors. Sure we had our fights. I never allowed hurdles to dangle me over fragile cliffs. I was never on the brink of breaking.
Until this.
I'm worth wanting, loving, even liking, pursuing, fighting for, and keeping.
This is my dream. My dream is for me to feel that way about myself so that ANY man who may draw near to me will also concur. I despise bread crumbs. I want more.
Here is the peace I found today: God knows exactly what happened and what a toll it took. He knows the number it played on your mind.
If you suffer from any kind of trauma, remember these lines. The light at the end of the tunnel is far, far away. The pain is immeasurable and at times, insurmountable. But I have to hang on to a fairy tale happy ending. I just have to. My friend Maggie says God's message to her is that she needs to thrive. (She is currently separated as well.) I feel like I am thriving. I know I am growing. I know I deal with insecurity; temporary insanity. My life has been insane, surreal. I don't care if others have gone thru this. What matters is that it's happening to me. And that is my self-centeredness. I want to be happy. I want to be pain-free. I want this to end. I am glad that Beth wrote that time does not heal. Time only tells. God heals. For now, I have to rely on God to fill me back up. You all have helped too. My dear dear friends.
I thank you for joining me on this journey!
photo credit: kelly fisher photography
photo credit: kelly fisher photography
This is not a depressing lament today. :) No worries.
I wanted to share some insights I've had lately. I was reading (re-reading) parts of Beth Moore's book, So Long Insecurity
, and came across a section on rejection. Beth writes,Rejection
No matter the source, the shout translates into the language of the soul as one jolting message: I do not want you! Nothing elicits quicker concurrence on our part... we find ourselves nodding. You are so right . . .
I'm not worth wanting.
I'm not worth loving.
I'm not even worth liking.
I'm not worth pursuing.
I'm not worth fighting for.
I'm not worth keeping.
I'm not worth hiring.
I'm not worth noticing.
Wow. I could really relate to that. The separation in my marriage has rocked my security. I find myself despising who I see in the mirror sometimes. It's an ebb and flow of liking myself, feeling worthy and then feeling like an old wretched woman. Want my honest opinion? At times I go to the depths of self-loathing and think that the only man who will want me is a fat, chubby, 50-60 year old reject himself. Gah! Not fun thoughts. I try to move onto something else when I fall into that trap. I know I'm beautiful. Maybe not perfectly beautiful. But I'm OK. Lately, I've even criticized my own personality, my ability to keep a clean home, my ability to garden, my lack of ability to stay secure. I'm so insecure, and I know that turns Matt off... it turns all people off actually. Yuck. All last summer I felt less than, except for the fact that I lost a lot of weight and found stomach to be flat as a board (finally!!!). I am surprised that I did not jump into any other man's bed to feel relief if only temporary. Thank goodness for Oliver. I just could not do that. And I know at some deep level I feel more respect for myself than that. I have turned to my God for help, and help I have found. It's been exactly what I needed.
But it's constant work to stay above the water. I have daily reprieves. Sometimes only momentary reprieves.
It's amazing what rejection can do. I am not blaming Matt here. I am looking at how we women can interpret another person's actions. And you know what, if Matt or any man for that matter rejects us, it doesn't have to rock our world with such despair.
My track record in my marriage did not reflect such insane, over-the-edge behaviors. Sure we had our fights. I never allowed hurdles to dangle me over fragile cliffs. I was never on the brink of breaking.
Until this.
Taken badly enough, rejection can muster up some temporary insanity .... the craziest, most uncharacteristic things I've ever done have occurred in the wake of major rejection. It's insecurity with a serious fever.But here's the hope I found last evening while reading on.
If you've suffered a serious case of rejection, you need to make sure that you're letting God tend to it .... God knows exactly what happened and what a toll it took. He knows the number it played on your mind. Let Him bring you peace. Let Him tell you you're worth wanting, loving, even liking, pursuing, fighting for, and, yes, beloved, keeping.Oh how I long to feel like that. I will begin to say the mantra below — this prayer — daily from now on until I believe it to be true. I will say it with gratitude and praise.
I'm worth wanting, loving, even liking, pursuing, fighting for, and keeping.
This is my dream. My dream is for me to feel that way about myself so that ANY man who may draw near to me will also concur. I despise bread crumbs. I want more.
Here is the peace I found today: God knows exactly what happened and what a toll it took. He knows the number it played on your mind.
If you suffer from any kind of trauma, remember these lines. The light at the end of the tunnel is far, far away. The pain is immeasurable and at times, insurmountable. But I have to hang on to a fairy tale happy ending. I just have to. My friend Maggie says God's message to her is that she needs to thrive. (She is currently separated as well.) I feel like I am thriving. I know I am growing. I know I deal with insecurity; temporary insanity. My life has been insane, surreal. I don't care if others have gone thru this. What matters is that it's happening to me. And that is my self-centeredness. I want to be happy. I want to be pain-free. I want this to end. I am glad that Beth wrote that time does not heal. Time only tells. God heals. For now, I have to rely on God to fill me back up. You all have helped too. My dear dear friends.
I thank you for joining me on this journey!
photo credit: kelly fisher photography
photo credit: kelly fisher photography
Have been praying for you. Glad today is better and that you know ONLY God can fill you. Lynn
ReplyDeleteI love what you've shared today. There is so much beauty in the progress, even if it feels agonizingly slow.
ReplyDeleteSometimes the ONLY thing I find comfort in is just what you said... God knows. I don't have to explain. I don't have to justify. He knows every beat of my heart and every worry in my soul... what a relief. It's just nice to know that there's someone who I don't have to hide the ugly from.... HE can handle it.
Praying.
Andrea: You guys are always in our prayers, and I hope things find a way of working out. We're all stretched, stressed, confused, and out of sorts these days. Hopefully the stars realign and things get back to normal. Let me know if there is ever anything I can do. Be well.
ReplyDeleteGreg