So How am I Doing, Really?

I thought I'd offer a little insight into where I'm at. Life is good, I'd like you to know. Seriously.

Tomorrow I attend the funeral of the father of a very good friend of mine, Pamela. She is hurting, so if you could offer up some prayers for her, I'd really appreciate it. She prays for me daily, I think, and she is a beautiful woman, inside and out. I'd love to be more like her.

Life has been very good lately. My pain has subsided; I can't explain what exactly has taken over my heart. I'm content, I'm happy. Yet, I am lonely, I can admit. Most of the time I am too busy to care or to realize it. I really don't care that I am alone, for I am too occupied with my son and the daily activities of my life to worry about it, to even notice it. Nor am I emotionally ready to date. As far as my husband is concerned, we are getting along OK at this moment. Nothing has changed.

Today I realize I am a wonderful woman who is sexy, warm, compassionate, nice, beautiful, kind and loving. I'm smart and very talented. I'm successful in my career, and I absolutely love going into work each day. I have an incredible son. Any man who meets me will not be hindered by Oliver. He is a joy, a real treat.

I've been lonely at times these past couple weeks, this is true. It's not often that I am, but there are times I wish I had someone other than a 3-yr old in my bed. Oliver keeps me fulfilled, but he is not everything to me, nor should he be. In no way have I used him to fill a hole in my heart. I fill my heart with God, with every good thing possible. Not one person right now can look at me and find a fault in my attempts to be a better woman, mother, wife, daughter, friend, worker and so on. I am able to keep my head up high, and my eyes straight ahead. I believe I am really doing some of the things God would have me do; there is nothing to hide, nothing to confess. I occupy my time wisely, filling my life with all things good, not stuffing my feelings with food, men or drugs and alcohol. None of that appeals to me, except the men of course. Thank goodness for Oliver, for I am not able to act in a way that would shame my son. I care for him and I need to be an example to him. Should I do anything that he would be embarrassed by, then I know that is something I need to avoid.

I have more self-respect than to satisfy my physical needs, to put a bandage on fleeting loneliness. But trust me, it is tempting. There are men out there that are very attractive to me. I think about how I'd like to be treated, and I'm sure that someone would or actually could come along and be the man that I have been waiting for. I really believe God will put this man in my life, an attractive man, a 40-something, with a little girl (that would be great) or a boy... or a few kids. You see, I've always wanted more than one child, and in the place I'm at in life right now, it's possible that I might meet someone with children. Rest assure, now is not the time, but a little distraction wouldn't hurt! :)

Alas, I am still married, and I feel as if I cannot — should not — do anything immoral. Oh, yet just for a night! :) It would be nice to have someone hold me, to have someone tell me I'm beautiful. Even to have another's lips on mine. I wish. I wish. I wish.

Behold and bless the next man that falls prey to my desires. He will be in untamed waters, behind the damn that breaks loose. For not only have I been alone for over a year now, but I have learned so many things. I have so much to give. I feel like a new woman. I am a new woman. I am not the woman I was, not even a month ago, and most definitely not over a year ago.

When Matt left, I felt such pain, sorrow and remorse. Today, altho I can see what I have or had done to contribute to the downfall of this marriage, I am standing on a hill top, realizing what I have done wrong, ready to correct my mistakes; ready to make restitution; ready to try it differently this time.

Sadly, sometimes I see my husband is holding back. I cannot tell if he has grown much. I have noticed he has grown in his independence, something that he needed to do. He has become more self-confident, more self-reliant. He is finding himself and for him, that is great. For our family, if he decides to return, it is also a benefit. But for where I am at, I am not sure I am ready for him. He is a different person now, and we have grown apart. He may not be completely happy. He is not a giving man right now, at least not to me. I see he was selfless with his nephew, and I'm glad it's still in him to be that way. I'm glad his nephew got the best of him. I'm glad Oliver gets the best of him.

Right now I am an island, independent of him. We chat little, once a week perhaps, but other than that, there is only a small connection. He takes care of us financially, but even that is beginning to change. Little by little we have grown away from one another. It seems impossible to reunite, but I do have faith that God can work miracles. I don't have to have it all figured out. I just have to believe it can happen, and I do still have some belief that we could make this work. But, I realize I want much more than he can give right now. And I'm starting to realize that there are other men out there who are willing to give it.

I'm not really ready to find another man right now, but I am wishing and yearning for it. (Like I said, a little distraction wouldn't hurt!) :) Most of the time I'm too busy to notice being alone, but when it's quiet, and I'm alone in my bed, in the dark... oh how I wish. I wish I had a pair of strong arms around me. I wish I had a deep voice, a warm breath whispering in my ear that I am beautiful, that I am everything, that I am all that he wants, all that he needs, all that he's wished for.

I know it will come. The loneliness has set in finally. And I think it's just part of moving on.


  1. That is just how I felt in the past! The present is such a gift you will receive it as well. Can't wait to talk to you when that happens, and oh yes it WILL! I assure you of it. As for now do what you are doing. I have told you in the past you will be rewarded and believe me the wait is worth it. Be well dear friend,
    Andy xoxo


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