What the Heck?

Well friends. I am just not having the best day. I'm not sure why. It started out great, with time on my back porch, doing my morning readings. Perfect weather too.

But the last week or so, I have had a hard time getting out of bed in the morning. I'm not sure what it is because I am having a great life, and I am keeping busy. I'm not crying all the time (like this time last summer!) and yet, I just don't want to face my days. Of course, I take the contrary action and get out of bed. I face my day and I always seem to enjoy it.

There's a slight pain in my heart. Not sure what it is. Maybe it's the next step in letting go. Perhaps. It's also not a strong feeling. It's just not the most joyful, fullfilling time in my life either. Maybe that's it.  Altho I'm not on my knees begging my husband to come back anymore (and I have news for you, I don't want him back anymore, not like this anyway), I'm still trying to walk steadily thru all this.

As well, I keep butting heads with others too. That concerns me.

I guess (and I'll keep this short) I have two schools of thought.
I'm doing the best I can. I'm doing the right things. I can only change what I know needs to be changed in me. I don't know everything. I can't see everything. If you love me or like me, you are forgiving, letting me be human and allowing me to grow. You see the best in me, despite my defects.
I'm still screwing up a lot and I just can't see what the heck it is that I'm doing. This is happening in every area of my life. Matt, work and personal. I am not winning friends, but annoying those around me and I just don't know what it is that I'm doing wrong. I have a lot of work to do. I'm sensitive, insecure and who knows what else.

I just want to do the right thing. I really, really do. I am trying, oh-so-hard, to be a better person. Yet people get pissed at me. People I admire and respect! People I thought were my friends. (Friends can get mad, but don't we apologize and make peace at some point?) Really. I don't get it. I don't. I don't. I don't. It makes for a hard day for me because I'm too flipping sensitive. (I hate that about myself!) It makes for a difficult day because I'm trying, in earnest, to be better.

The friend that pointed out some things to me, outside of work on a project I'm working on never apologized, altho we are back on track in terms of being friendly and cordial to one another. It hurts. Really. It does. Another person, a 50-year old woman, unfriended me on FB. Really? Why? So high school and yet it hurts. My goodness. :) See, I'm sensitive. Matt said some things to me the other day which I interpreted to mean that I have some changing to do yet. In many areas of my life. It hurt to hear it, I know it to be true, but I'm not sure why it bugged me. I wish he'd tell me. Really? I thought I was doing so good! In some ways, I'm still broken I guess.

The worst part is what I sometimes feel about my self, my own judgement:

I'm too chubby, messy, touchy (aka sensitive), insecure and old today. Not fun when I get on my own damn case.


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Anyway, I wanted to share another video with you today, but first, let me say something about the Sugarland song, Stay, that I posted yesterday. The last 30 seconds of the song read:

Why don't you stay
I'm up off my knees
I'm so tired of being lonely
You cant give me what I need
When she begs you not to go
There is one thing you should know
I don't have to live this way
Baby why don't you stay

That is a big difference from what she says for the majority of the song:

Why don't you stay
I'm down on my knees
I'm so tired of being lonely
Don't I give you what you need
When she calls you will go
There is one thing you should know
We don't have to live this way
Baby why don't you stay

And by the way, I'm not saying Matt has a girlfriend either. So lets make that clear.

Anyway, this is the other song I heard yesterday and I really loved. For those who's hearts have been broken, check it out! :)


  1. First of all, you should know that things tend to get much harder, subconsciously, around anniversaries of big dates-- especially traumatic moments. So give yourself a break (I tell you that a lot, don't I?).

    Second of all, pretty much every single relationship I had went through a change after my separation. Every. Single. One. Friends, Co-Workers, Family. It has as much to do with you as it does with them. People tend to freak out when other people are in pain and they react in a myriad of ways. This is a huge life-shift and with it go relationship-shifts. It's ok. It happens to everyone. Let go of the ones that are hurtful with relief and welcome the ones that are supportive with an embrace. That's been the hardest part for me personally-- accepting and trusting new relationships of all sorts. Good luck! Punch something to feel better.

  2. I have tried to write this comment a few times and erased it, in hopes of saying it just right. With the right balance of seriousness and tenderness.

    If my husband were to step back and take a microscope to me, it would be ugly. No doubt about it. I am flawed, I am jealous, I am impatient and a whole slew of other things. I am thankful that we treat each other with grace. Because God knows, we are a mess. I am a mess! I am blessed by someone who has taken my flaws on and I pray that for you.

    To be judged and criticized by people you care about is senseless. I have friends who I love dearly, and I pride myself on saying things to them that sometimes are hard. No one wants to surround themselves with sugar-coating all the time. We need honesty. But it is with LOVE. With acceptance. We ALL have work to be done, and what Matt said may very well be true. But the fact is this:

    If he's not willing to walk the journey with you. If he will take no part in the growth, the change, the hurt that it will take to make things right, he absolutely has not earned the right to point to your shortcomings. You either criticize lovingly to help, or you criticize to hurt. Simply put. And I may be wrong, but I don't think he is intending to help you, Andrea. He is abusing his power over your heart.

    I absolutely love the song you posted. You are loved. Hoping tomorrow is better for you.


  3. I have two things to say, and they're both meant to be food for thought or hopefully supportive.

    1) I firmly believe that those who love us do so not in SPITE of our flaws, but maybe a little bit more because of them. None of us are perfect, so if our loved ones can't accept where we aren't perfect, maybe we love them more than they love us? Not an excuse for BAD behavior, but definitely to me a critical part of most relationships...tolerance for our humanity and fallibility.

    2) There is that old forward that goes around...friends come into our lives for a REASON, a SEASON or a LIFETIME. Not every friendship will last forever, nor will every friendship stay the same as we change. I have "best" friends who are now on the periphery, others who will always be "best," and some who I have lost...the changes that changed the relationships were on both sides...but I've made new friends as a result, too.

    As you change, grow and evolve, not everyone will come with you. Many will, and new friends will join you...I think that's just part of the cycle, right? Keep hanging in there...you're such an honest and amazing person. We'll keep praying for you, Oliver and even Matt.

  4. To all of you who commented so far today, I thank you. :) Hugs to each of you!!! :)


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