It's a New Day

Hello friends. It's the beginning of a new day today. Yesterday was not my favorite day. But the best thing about it was that I am not my mistakes, nor do I beat myself up for them. I also had a "conversation" with Matt that did not bode well, and this time, altho it left me in tears, I am not taking on his stuff.

I suck sometimes. It's true. We all do. We all make mistakes. In this journey I have traveled over many a rocky terrain and taken on the brunt of the blame.

Today I'm a changed person who is not taking on someone's bad mood, someone's disgust, resentment, anger for me.... or someone's unhappiness. I'm not necessarily talking about my husband either. There's another person who is not-so-happy with me or the way I've handled some things in a business matter, outside of work.

The problem I have faced is that when I respect someone, love someone or honor someone and they tell me something negative about myself, it's difficult to shake that off. I am the type of person who wants to improve, so when you say something to me, I will take a look at what you say. If it's negative, I'll try to reason that out and see where my part is in that stuff.

I tend to discount that information if the person who tells me something negative about me is not a person I am emotionally attached to. For instance, if someone beeps at me, either I thank them, or I dismiss it. If someone flips me the finger, I pray for them, smile at them and hope they have a better rest of the day. If I think I've done nothing wrong, I will let it go. If I have done something wrong, I apologize and move on. I could care less actually.

But if I love you; if I respect you.... Oh.... well, then it's much much more difficult to swallow. I challenge myself to find the truth in what you say. I look over myself. I second guess. I may even ask that person to tell me more. Sadly, the last two times this has happened to me, the person refuses to share more. That's a challenge. They take a "shot", tell me something negative, and I have no clue what I am doing wrong. I can't figure it out alone. I go to a trusted person. Where have I gone wrong? I ask. They can't figure it out. They say, "That person was having a bad day." But surely, there must have been some truth to what he/she said!? "No, it's about them. Not you." But that person is a mature, wise person! Why would they say that to me? It's very hard to let that stuff go.

With Matt, the stakes are high. The cost is a marriage. The cost is the loss of a dream, a big big dream. The cost is Oliver growing up in a broken home! If he says I am doing something wrong, or that I have not changed in a certain area, I want to take a serious look at that. If he is still not happy with me, I take that seriously. What am I doing wrong? I look for answers. But the only answers I hear are that this is about Matt, not me. Hmmmm.... that is very very hard to believe. Surely, I must be doing something wrong!

This is where I have been struggling lately.

Yesterday did not go well for me and my husband. He was upset, his walls went up and he said some things in anger. I'm not sure if he meant them. I'm not sure how drastically it will affect our relationship now. I'm not sure if it was bad enough that he will now file for divorce.

You see, with Matt, the stakes are so incredibly high. This is why I have given him so much power over me. I see that now. I could not see that before. I don't want to lose all that I had: friend, companion, parenting partner, home, money, travel, etc etc etc. So I bend over. I do not remain true to myself, my needs, my wants. I do what it takes to save what I had, no matter what the cost is to me. At least this is what I have been doing.

Until now. Until just now.

One of you ask me recently, "If he treats you like this, why do you want him back?" It was asked in kindness. I can answer that:

The stakes are high. The loss of my dream. What I wanted for Oliver. My best friend. My travel buddy. My partner. We traveled all over Europe together. We hopped in the car and drove up to our cottage in Door County every other weekend. We did everything together. We parented together. We watched Oliver sleep together. Back when Oliver was still in my womb I remember Matt and I talking about if it came down to my life or the baby's life, who would Matt chose, during the birthing? Matt said the answer was easy. Me. He'd chose me.

See friends? Where did it go wrong? When did it go bad? I really don't know. I don't. I now can look back and notice the distance that had grown between us. I've been missing my husband for more than just these past 14 months. It's been longer than that. I miss my guy. He's gone. I mourn that loss.

I miss that Matt, friends. I do. I will always miss that guy. He's a changed person now. I don't know this Matt. I don't like this Matt. And I don't want this Matt. I want my old Matt back. But he's no longer around. This is not the Matt I married.

So Matt said and did some hurtful things yesterday, in response to my hurt. I acted out of fear yesterday, and he responded in a very hurtful way. It's OK. I know that today and chose not to take that on. It's not all me. It's not all about me. I have a part in what happened yesterday. But it's not all about me. And today, that part of our relationship seems like it will not change. Yesterday I spoke with two women in my Divorce Care class. Their ex's did the same thing. Key word: ex's. You know? I think that's where this is going. I need to face it. It's over. I think it's over.

I see he's struggling.

I'm prepared to let go. I think. I hope. I sure hope.

There's not much left anymore. What was was. It's not anymore. Not right now.

And hope is fading. Hope that it will change.

He's not the man I was married to anymore.

This leaves me sad.

It seems I can't do a lot right in his eyes. So, I have to stop trying. Stop fighting this. Start accepting that this is my life now, this is how my life is now.

I can just try to focus on me. And Oliver.

I think it's over. It probably is. It's probably best I accept that for a change. Yep. It sucks. But the best thing is that I don't have to be devastated anymore. I'm just going to have to start making decisions in my best interest, and focus on letting go. Stop holding on so tightly.

Matt's coolness is lasting into today. I just got a text, a very cool text. That's hard. Divorce is hard. I can say that now.

You see, I think some of you are right. It's time to let go. There is not much changing really. Not from what I see. And I see things more clearly.

If you want to pray for me, please do. Pray I have strength to face this. Strength to let go. Strength to not give Matt my power.

If you want to pray for Matt, please do. Pray that he finds some relief and some happiness. There is some inner struggle going on in that man. It's not just me. Not just this marriage, or lack of. It's more than that.

Pray for my precious boy. Oliver is innocent in all this. Completely innocent. I feel bad for him sometimes. He's happy. But he does not have 2 parents together and a family of three. He is tossed from one bed to the next, one house to the next, one parent to the next. There will come a day when he will have to chose. Where to live? Where to spend Christmas? Who is invited to the party? Why isn't daddy at my party? Why can't you and daddy live together like other kid's mommies and daddies? I dread those questions, and thinking of that makes my heart ache. I hope I never put him in a place where he has to chose or where he has to think poorly of his father. At least Matt is in his life. Matt wants to be a father. Matt has been pretty good about that. I hope that lasts forever, that Matt continues to love Oliver and that we do not put Oliver in a place where he has to make a choice.

Thanks for listening. Thanks for your support.



  1. Andrea, Hope costs nothing. Thank goodness or Id be broke! I will always pray for you and Oliver and Matt. You inspire me. When I read your blog today it reminded that, "I ask not for a lighter burden but for broader shoulders."

    Lots of (((hugs))s to you.


  2. Hey mamasita.

    Did you ever get a chance to read The Four Agreements? I think I mentioned it to you once upon a time. It's a SHORT read and you've reminded me of it because one of the agreements we need to make is Not to take things personally.

    There's a huge difference between having a conversation with someone and asking and giving constructive criticism to having someone just say things to you negatively. The latter is ALWAYS that person projecting. It is always about the other person.

    Andrea, you know your faults. You do a lot of self-reflection. You know where you fall short. You don't need to wonder when someone says something about you-- no matter who they are.

    I struggle with this myself more than anything else in the world, I do. But it's true. Listen to yourself. You know yourself better than anyone else. You just have to quiet the noise and listen. And the noise is usually lots of doubt and trash-talking we do to ourselves. That's why we perk up when someone says negative about us. "See? I knew I'm a mess/control freak/jealous woman!"

    You're going to be better than ok when all of this is over. The lessons learned in this process are golden.

  3. Andrea, I've left a couple of comments along the way for you because we are both traveling the same journey just a month apart. It sucks you're right !
    I so see myself in everything you are doing and I see my husband in Matt. My husband changed too !. I would give anything to have him back but just the other day he became annoyed at me and said "maybe someday I'll be that guy you knew but not now right now this is who I am" I walked away with tears streaming down my face because I realized he hasn't even yet started on his path of self discovery and reflection. He won't be coming home anytime soon. He told me he was filing divorce papers. I sobbed for hours's really happened we're done, it's over! He told me that I "did everything possible for us, and he didn't - he's changed" later that night I thought about it. The man I am experiencing is not the man I know, nor a man I really want in my life. I want someone who cares and accepts me just as I am. So yes divorce me because I really don't know you anyhow. I pray that some day the man I knew returns stronger, happier, healthier and more at peace with who his...then and only then will we be able to build a life that we both want.
    Andrea keep a spot open in your heart for Matt however fill the rest of it with love for yourself and Oliver.

  4. @supermutantmodel

    oh yes, that's a good reminder. before all this came about, i sold that book at a rummage sale for .50! but i bet i can get it at my library. i'll def take a look. thanks for mentioning it! :)


    I'll ask for a lighter burden! :)


    thanks for sharing. someone left a flower pot on my porch today and i guess secretly i wish it were matt. but sadly..... i'm quite certain it's not. the old matt would have done that. anyway, sorry to hear things are going south for you. i assume you found me thru Michele. Have you read D Busting?

    Hugs, andrea

  5. Andrea, I think it was me who asked why you would want him back. It was a glib comment, easy for me to ask, and I completely understand your answer. I think about you often and although I'm not religious, I'm sending you strength and love, and thinking about little Oliver and yes, Matt too.

  6. Don't let this define you Andrea, you are not your failed marriage (if that is what it ends up being), you, and Matt, and Oliver are precious children of a God who has a plan. Trust that, and nothing else matters.

    As for the comments given to you.. all you can do is listen and then ask God to give you the eyes to see what God wants you to learn here. Then let it go, because chances are there is a lesson being taught on the other side of the table as well.

    I'm praying for all of you tonight. May you feel the power of many who love you.


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