Photo by Kelly Fisher Photography
Monday and Tuesday were not the best days for me. This morning isn't much better. It was the first time in a long long time that morning slapped me in the face and my heart sank as I realized my nightmare is real. Grief. Uncompromising, intrusive and immobilizing. I haven't felt this kind of grief since last summer. I always tend to underestimate the significance of birthdays, anniversaries and holidays in this process. Last Friday was Matt's birthday, and having had my hopes up — way up — I thought things were different.
Reality proved otherwise.
You guys have really carried me. Thank you thank you thank you for your comments. I haven't reached the "other side" of this whole process yet, so you are with me in the trenches and it's not very pretty here.
Y'all say I'm strong and that Oliver will be proud of me. I don't see the strength in me. I see a woman just doing what she has to do, else I may lose even more. To me, that is fear. And guess what? I may still lose even more.... my home in fact. We'll see. That's on the table at some point.
I'm still so attached to the outcome, I'm still forgetting about God and fueled on self-will. I am very confused about the role hope plays in my life. I pray I'm not in denial. I don't want to be. Yet, it's so incredibly hard to look at the facts. Really. Really.
What is wrong with me that I want him back so much? I have to see that he is gone. Deal with that right now. Stop living and wishing for the past and the chance to have a do-over. I mourn all my losses. There are so so many. It's incredibly how many there are, how they add up, how they show up everywhere, unexpectedly. Gosh, my life is woven with memories, my life is knitted together with his, and that is all unraveling. Nothing new has been built yet. I watch my old life dissolve, slowly, and then sometimes there are rays of hope. And I think, yes! We are building a friendship. That is the foundation.
At least the friendship isn't ruined.
Matt has been very kind and helpful these past two months. Lest you think he is all bad, he continues to pay for some of our living expenses (mine and Oliver's). He comes by to fix things. He sends me photos of Oliver while Oliver is with him. He's been incredibly flexible with schedules. All around, he's been easy to work with in terms of household stuff and especially Oliver. He still helps my dad out as much as possible too. He's kind, on time, and gracious. Things have been good. We have been laughing together more too. It's been nice.
So I guess I confused that with something more, and truly, I just need to take it where it's at. He can't make up his mind. That is the truth.
Well, I wont make this too long of a post this morning as have to leave for work in just 3 minutes! But please know, I'm going to do all I can to get back on track. I have cried for 48 hours straight. My stomach is sick. I have not eaten (much) and I so miss my son who I just cannot wait to see tonight.
I am going to get back on track. Focus on me. Stop worrying about my future. Stop worrying about whether or not Matt will come back. For that is what I had been doing for a long time and it was working for me. So, girl, lets go.
I read this (among many many readings this morning) so I thought I'd share. It's by Michele Weiner-Davis from Divorce Remedy.
“While it's true that there are no guarantees about the future, if things don't work out the way you hope, you'll deal with it then. For now, think positively. Remember the self-fulfilling prophecy is a very powerful phenomenon.”
Thank you all for your uplifting and kind words. They helped. They were like little gifts to me throughout the day. I received emails too. I hear what you all said and I will .... well, lets say I will stop thinking about this for a while, and then I'll just try to do what's in front of me.
I've asked God to help me sort this out and to let me know when it's time to move in one direction or another. Until then, focusing on me and Oliver.... I have work to do.
Thank you so much. The blog is a gift. You guys are pretty cool.