Momma, You Have Flowers in Your Eyes

My son. What an angel.

Today his dad came to pick him up. I have to be honest, this doesn't get any easier. Some days it's OK. I fly off to work. Some days, I just ache. I ache and feel every single move in the room; every gesture and every dismissal becomes magnified.

So after Oliver left, I went to meditate and pray for a bit. I have a new very cozy chair on my back patio. I love it. I closed my eyes and begged, begged God to remove the want, the need, the desire, the longing. And while He was at it, could He please remove query as to whether or not my husband has a girlfriend. I don't know if he does have one. I think not. But if not, then none of this really makes any sense.

A friend was very direct with me about a month ago, “Andrea, he left a big hole in your living room where the 50" plasma TV used to be." She went on to say, "He left you and your child. He left the mother of his child! He left you without any living room furniture and took the big TV. He wont tell you where he lives! What man does that?

And another friend, also separated right now, said, “I see you waiting for him, still.”

True. They are both correct.

*   *   *   *   *

But no more. I have done everything I can think of to remove this want. I am busy, ultra busy. I am social. Very social. I am happy. Many of my days are free. I am loving life. Yet it still seems to be contingent on him coming back. I wait. I wait for Matt to decide to come back. I believe firmly that he will. So, I have employed some new techniques to help me move away, mentally and spiritually. To let go. I am sharing one of those techniques now. (There are many, and I will share them all at some point.)

Today, after my prayers, I decided to listen. This is what I heard:

You must not feel the burden of your failure. Go on in faith. The clouds will clear, and the way will lighten — the path becomes less stony with every step you take.
God Calling, June 27th

What a profound response to my prayers, my pleas for help. Later, it occurred to me.

There was more to that reading.

I downloaded a new app called, Couch to 5k. It's a 3x week workout program spanning 9 weeks that culminates in the ability to run a 5k. It's part of my Mom to MILF goal that I started last year. (I know, I never really wrote much about Mom to MILF.)

The next lines in that reading said: So run that you may obtain. A rigid doing of the simple duties, and success will crown your efforts.

That was all the affirmation I needed to know this is a right choice. It's simple, and an easy way to add to my work out routine.

So I'm letting go. I am moving on. I'm angry pissed, and I want to fuel that anger rage in a healthy way. I will burn that fury. I will let go. It will happen. The way will lighten.

I am more than my marriage. I am more than my wedding ring. I run that I may obtain. The path becomes less stoney with every step I take.

That, my friends, is my new mantra. I will say it as I walk / run. I am saying it until I fully believe it.

The reading ended with this: Hope is confidence in yourself to succeed. 



  1. woo hoo! you go girl! have you ever worked out before while doing your MOM to MILF thing? lol, cuz you look great already :) BUT, I will say, exercise helps more than just physically, so that's awesome you're going to do this! I've only missed 1 day of exercise in the last 4 straight months... that's how serious I am about this, because it helps my mental state too :) So keep us posted about how this goes (the doctor said with how much I walk to exercise, I should do the couch to 5k but i haven't, so I'm curious how it will work, let me know :) xo *Megan*

  2. I just started the Couch to 5K program too, though my knees are giving me some trouble. But it feels good to be doing something for myself.

    I don't know you and I only just discovered your blog recently, so maybe I have no place asking this, but I will anyway: Do you really want your husband back when he appears to have treated you so badly? I just hate to see you waiting for someone who may never return. You deserve so much better than that.

    I'm sorry if that's harsh. I can only imagine what you're going through. Please know that I'm rooting for you to come out of all this strong and happy.

  3. Hi Megs, Hi Kay.

    @Kay, thanks for the comment. It's a long story, and of course he did not leave for no reason. I did some things that caused the separation in our marriage. I don't talk much about that here, altho maybe I can start. People are so lovely and quick to defend me.

    I think my husband and I both did things that have really hurt each other; yet I did not see this coming. And to be completely honest, if I could, I would LOVE to walk away. I'm trying. That is my struggle. Something within me is not letting go and I don't know why.

    @Megan, you look great! I'm impressed that you've only missed one day of working out! You will be my inspiration. You will have to tell me how you did / are doing that!

    Thanks to both of you for commenting. :)

  4. I know there are two sides to every story, and the only people who really know what goes on in a relationship are the ones in it. I just hate to see you struggling. (((HUGS)) to you.

  5. You get knocked down, you pick yourself up! Just keep doing that. The knockdowns won't be as often or as low. Happiness will be yours. Make it happen, only YOU can do that, like I've said in the past no one can make you unhappy only you can. Be well friend xoxo

  6. What a great's hard to read the entries when you're down - I do, and I keep you and Oliver (and even Matt) in my thoughts and prayers. I'm so impressed at your strength and honesty...

    Following on the thoughts above, I get where you are...I get the need to feel hope for the father of your child...and at the same time, do you think maybe you should be more open to the possibilities for YOU if you didn't?

    virtual hugs...

  7. Andrea, Im with you girl. Letting go is the hardest. I wish I could too. We've talked about that intuition we have. Maybe that is what is keeping us in this place. I dont know. We are relentless. You've taught me so much through this ordeal. I'm starting to let GOD guide me. Thanks for that. (((((( ))))) R.

  8. Thank you my friends, readers. Anonymous, I'm not sure what you mean when you say:

    do you think maybe you should be more open to the possibilities for YOU if you didn't

    I'm hoping to move in a new direction now. It's been a heck of a year. I have given my husband so much power, and it's time to stop that. I can't end this with divorce just yet. I am praying and working letting go now. That is my goal. I want to let go.

    Thanks to everyone who is patient with me. It's a longer process than I thought it would be. It's 10 x harder than I thought. Advice runs rampant.

    My whole focus right now is to stop trying and MOVE ON! God willing! :)

    Thanks all!


  9. Oh Andrea, I know that one of the hardest things of all has to be the endless ADVICE. I can only imagine that everyone has an opinion on what you should be doing, which can be exhausting- even when intentions are good.

    Praying that you can tune everyone out and seek your own answers, at your own pace. You are precious and I think all anybody really wants is for you to find the happiness you deserve.


  10. Take some time to lean into the discomfort too before you're too quick to run from it. It catches up with you eventually and the more you avoid it the longer it takes. I applaud your courage to take control of your life. xx

  11. I found your blog through your comment on Edie's blog. I will pray for you!

    1. Heather,

      I was going thru some old posts and saw your comment here. I tried to visit your blog but it's closed. Can I be "invited" to read it? I don't know if you will ever get this message, but if you do, please let me know. Thanks!


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