A Million Little Losses

I cried myself to sleep last night. I can count on one hand the times I've done that in the past year. Not often.

But my heart hurts. It aches actually. I'm sorry to disappoint those of you who are hoping to see me doing better. I'm sorry to not give hope to those of you who need it — the ones going thru what I'm going thru.

I hate crying at night. Usually I'm too exhausted to care much. It's the greeting of the day that used to slap me in the face; that's what I hated, that's what I dreaded.

Lately, life has been good. Really good. Too good perhaps. For where there is a high, a low lurks nearby.

You probably wondered why I had that song in the previous post. I think it took a long, long time for my clouded head to figure out what that song was really, really saying. Nonetheless, I found my own personal tragedy in it. And the lyrics that meant the most to me, I posted. Those lyrics were exactly how I felt yesterday. All day. I just miss my old life so much. Oh, lets get real. I miss Matt. A lot.

Yesterday, my day started on an off-note. The gal I had hired to help me with my gardening turned out to have a felony record. It took a lot of energy to figure out how to end that relationship without being taken advantage of, keeping my and my son's safety in mind.

Soon after that I had a discussion, somewhat intimate, with my husband. It did not go the way I wanted (what's new?).... and I was left feeling extremely vulnerable and emotional.

I can't cry at work anymore. I have used up all my "get out of jail free" cards there. People wont understand. It's been a year! Get over it! Please! No one would dare say that to me. But I am saying it to me. I have a lot to accomplish at work. There is a lot on my plate. I'm still on a high-profile project, and I have to be there early this morning to get things done. There's no time to be emotional at work. I have to work!

So on the drive home, and then just before bedtime, my heart opened up and it all came flooding out. I suppose you could call it a cleansing cry, but lordie, the dam busted open and there was no stopping the tears, the pain, the grief, the loss, the hurt, the disappointment, the absolute and complete total loss I felt. My heart cried out and was left empty.

This is where normally hope plays an important role. For when the pain is too deep, hope is a saving grace, erasing the pain and washing away the doubt.

But hope never came that night. It knocked, but I refused to answer. So I cried even harder as I realized my loss.

During the day: “I'll think about it,” sustained me. Those were my husband's words.

The other saving grace was a conversation later on with a friend of mine who is going thru a separation right now too. She and I have spent a lot of time together this past year, and she has been a sort of spiritual mentor to me in a way; at the very least, she is my companion on this journey and she absolutely breathes life back into me whenever I need it.... sometimes I need it a lot.

While it seems so often that I am waiting on Matt to make a decision, she reminded me that I am waiting on God, not my spouse. God does not waste time, does not waste our time, she reminded me. Therefor this time is not being wasted. God uses time. We grow and learn; we are being taught and guided, if we allow God in our hearts.

God does not sleep, she texted just before I went off to bed to have my melt down. I had heard that before, but I needed it last night because I too could not sleep. I am powerless. I am completely powerless. And God is not. That gives me hope.

Oh please, if you are married, grab your spouse and tell him or her that you love them. Put aside any concerns and realize that your love is so much more important than any one thing, than any other person, than your home, your car, your job. Grab them and hold them like you might not ever be able to hold them again. Please, do it for me because I can't do it right now. I can't.

And I so want to.

It's been just over a year and this limbo is just too much sometimes. I feel I need to let go and move on. It's hard to "move on" while I'm still married. Why do I need a divorce to move on? Why do I need a divorce to let go? Why is my husband still holding on? I just don't get it. I really don't.

So, why the tears?

Why the pain? Why the grief? Too many personal things to share right now... nothing embarrassing really. Just me being human, being in love... and being a woman who wears her heart on her sleeve all too often. I'm not desperate. But I fool no one.

I can't cry in front of my son, and since he's gone, perhaps that's why the tears have finally come at night. I've done that to Oliver too many times. He needs a strong, stable, happy mother. He knows now, when I cry, it's because I miss Matt. He asks me with concern, softly "Are you crying Momma?" When I nod yes, he responds with compassion. "Awe. Is it because you miss my daddy?"

Not only does that break my heart, but notice the words. It's not Daddy. It's my daddy. Why is that? Because we are not a family anymore. That is painful. I see families walking in my town and think, I don't have that. I will never have that again. Never again, unless Matt and I get back together, will I walk down the road with a man who is the father of my son. No man, ever, will truly love Oliver the way Matt and I do. No man will adore and delight in my son like I do. Like we do. Like we still do.

There are a million little losses.

So I have been busted crying by my son. Call me a horrible mother. I feel like I am. Truly, I do. It's been a while since I've cried in front of him. And I haven't done it a lot, but I have done it enough times for him to know exactly what these tears are for. He knows. Once he even said, "He'll come back to us Momma. Some day, he will come back." That was last fall.

So no more crying when Oliver's around. That's why they came last evening. I was alone. And I could finally grieve.

My other ray of hope that was given to me yesterday was from a friend whom I had coffee with just after work. "He didn't say no," she told me when I shared with her what I had asked my husband that morning.

I tend to think that if a man wants you, in no uncertain terms will he make it known to you. Matt on the other hand, he's as cool as can be. And he keeps brushing me off when it comes to us. I have been patient. He just needs more time. I say to myself. I don't know many who would be this patient. "He's got it good. Too good!" a friend of mine said recently. I gave him Cuban cigars just before Easter. A pan of lasagna two weeks after that. Chocolate croissants every Monday morning when he comes to pick up Oliver. A month prior I gave him a 3 year project: 100 Gratitudes for Matt. A collection of gratitude lists about his favorite subject: him! :) He used to say I didn't appreciate him. I hardly told him I did. I used to criticize. So I started this private blog, just for him. He read it once I think. Laugh. Go ahead. Be disgusted with me. I'm sure my friend was right. She's divorced. Once she made the decision to move on, her cheating husband came back. He who claimed he was in love with someone else, came back, begged her not to divorce. I don't play games. Matt knows exactly how I feel. Where I stand. What I want.

Maybe that needs to change. I don't know. I don't know what my next step should be.

I question myself: am I fool to wait? Am I just avoiding the inevitable? Is this one more time where I give someone the benefit of the doubt because I cannot face the truth?

I know my family (except for my father), many of my friends, and a lot of strangers would like to see me move on. I don't think anyone knows just how hard it is to do that. It's so hard! So damn hard! Especially when I'm still in love. I still love my husband. And when he turns his back on me, I tend to think, "Well, he just needs more time. God needs more time to work with him." So I wait.

Wait for what? Haven't I given him plenty of time? Plenty of opportunities?

Another friend said, "He's not in love with you! The sooner you face that, the better off you will be!"

And it hurts, it hurts that Matt doesn't miss me, or us. It hurts that I've given him so many chances, so many beautiful "gifts" and not one of those things made a difference. I am a warmer, more kind and loving woman. No difference. I'm a good—no, great mother. No difference. I'm a better house keeper. No difference. More independent than ever! No difference! More self-confident! No difference! Thinner! No difference! Prettier! No difference! Sexier! No difference! Nicer! Calmer! Better! Happier! More humble! Patient! Forgiving! Generous! I'm a better wife!

Not one difference did any of these things make.

Am I damn fool or what?

I am! I am friends! I am!

When will I face the music?

I asked for something from my husband yesterday ... he's going to think about it.

He didn't say no.

That's the bright side.... right?

....,  ....,  ....,  ....,

A sane man would have jumped at the chance to what I proposed yesterday. A man who wanted it, wanted me.

I really don't know what to do guys. It's so hard to make this decision to move on, to end this limbo.

Hope does sometimes mask my pain. I'm not so sure about hope right now. I'm not sure it's a good thing right now.

And if you are about to judge me, please ask yourself if you have been thru this yet. Because, unless you have had to face this, you have no idea how hard it is. None.


  1. Oh Andrea - how could anyone judge you? I'm always amazed at the authenticity of your feelings, your writing, and that you DON'T always try to paste on a smile. You and Matt and Oliver too, are in my prayers -and I don't say that flippantly. You guys are.

  2. Thank you Lisa. :) I'm so happy for you btw! :) Congrats on the new baby (in the making!) xo xo

  3. Andrea no one's judging you. People just want what's best for you and for people on the outside in-- what Matt's doing to you is beyond forgiveness. You ARE a better person. And you deserve someone better to you than what he's done and continues to do. You're settling for him at this point and that's not what's best for you. I've been through it, I know rejection when I see it. If you're all about hope then keep this in mind: people do get together after being divorced. Maybe you both need the last piece of closure to fully become what you need from each other because he's not giving you what YOU need no matter how much you give him what HE needs. Relationships are about compromise and balance. This one isn't and that's not fair for YOU. You have to care about yourself. You have to love yourself. You have to demand the best for yourself. I'm sorry you're in so much pain, really. I wish I had a magic eraser. It's horrible. At least you don't have to deal with another woman. That's... *sigh*

  4. Thank you..... :) So much to think about today....

  5. U say exactly what i feel. I know how this is hell.

    you are strong. you are worth it. it is hard to let go. i cant. ive tried. im trying. i cant. you are relentless just like me. i hold on to that ounce of hope. i ask myself the exact same questions all the time. constantly. the limbo is the worst.

    I have papers. they are a dark cloud over me that will not go away. i am scared. i know you are too. you told me so many times it not us, its them who are the fools.

    it doesnt make it easier especially when love is still there. its still there even through all this crap. its ok andrea. you can cry. you can cry whenever you want and need too. you are so right when you say if you havent been through this you have no idea how it feels. the hurt and sadness and guilt. i know what you feel. you have been my strength in this. probably my only strength because we do feel the same about our husbands. . . . we still love them.

    i pray this works out the way you want it. i do. ive been talking to GOD like you told me to. I dont know if hes listening. Maybe he is because ive finally gotten angry. But why would GOD want me to be angry?

    Try and stay strong. I know how hard it is especially since im rarely that way. You deserve everything good Andrea, you do. You will get it.


  6. @mutantsupermodel.com .... I know. I feel like a dork thinking he will eventually come to his senses. I'm beginning to think he never will. Not until it's too late and I've actually moved on.

    I tell you this: he will regret this some day. I assure you of that. This I know in my heart of hearts, and I am never ever wrong about these kinds of things.

    He *will* regret this.

  7. Andrea, I hear what you are saying ...believe me I do. As I've mentioned in a previous post I am on the same path as you only a month longer. The emotion you are feeling is exactly what I feel. I love my husband more than the day he left. I am a better wife too & still it makes no different. I get you!!
    Keep up the hope - for you, for Oliver and yes for Matt too. My guess is he is in a space that perhaps he can't figure himself out. Keep moving forward as best as you can manage some moments are better than others - whether you keep your heart open for Matt is entirely up to you- it is not for anyone else to judge or nudge you any differently.
    My prayers are with you & your family.

  8. anyone who judges you shouldn't be reading your blog...you are so honest, open and vulnerable, your "readership" should be reading to learn, to think, to support.

    God doesn't give us anything we can't handle. You're growing, you're moving forward...maybe not moving on, but look at your list of how you've changed!?!? No difference? Maybe not to Matt...but just think what a great example you're setting for Oliver?

    That you pull yourself through when things are tough! you take care of yourself! You're a strong woman, and being strong while being vulnerable is ok. Isn't that the most important thing? He may see you cry, and he'll know you love and miss HIS daddy...and that you can still survive, even through the lows. These are important things...they may not be the elements of a Leave it to Beaver childhood, but they are such important lessons.

    Please keep sharing, please keep hanging in, and please know there are so many of us who are praying for you!

  9. One day you feel great, sure about yourself and happy with the new life that you carved out for yourself and sweet Oliver. The next day, everything falls apart, you want your old life back, the togetherness, the familiy as you knew it before all this started. Don't be hard on yourself for the constant change of emotions because the rollercoaster ride that comes with a separation is intense and painful.

    Only you can decide how long you want to wait for Matt to return and try to make it work again. I strongly believe that you will wake up one day and say it is enough. You might even then still be in love with him but you might love yourself just a bit more than you love him. And that is when you will have enough of the limbo, the waiting, the "perhaps, let me think about it"...

    You have made so much progress in the last 365 days, even a crappy night like the one you just had will not take that away. Be proud of yourself, many other women could not have done what you did.

    So, if your soul needs a bit more time, if you want to give him (Matt) a bit more time, go for it, do it. Just remember that you cannot allow Matt to run your life.

    Thinking of you!

  10. Oh sweetie, I am so sorry that you are hurting. It has to be tough after you
    have had such a good stretch of it, but I think that is how these things go
    .... 2 steps forward then 2 (or 3) steps back.

    I don't know why Matt can't love you again either. I think he is a fool.
    And, that he is making a horrible mistake. But, he doesn't see that. Maybe
    he never will.

    I wish I could wave a magic wand and make this better for you. I truly do! I
    can only pray. And pray I do, for you, for Matt, for Oliver. You are so
    beautiful Andrea. Your spirit is so loving and kind and joyful and free ....
    you are an amazing, wonderful, creative, fun, honest, loyal woman. You
    deserve only the best in life.

    It seems that Matt is no closer to coming home than he was a year ago. I
    don't know what he is thinking. But he doesn't seem to be hurting the way
    that you are. He is ok with it being the way it is. You need to figure out
    if you are, too.

    Be strong my sweet. I will say extra prayers for you today.


  11. I know this is easy to say and hard to live by but you have to trust that God has a wonderful plan for you . . . and Matt.

    I wonder sometimes, if you let go what would Matt do?

    See you soon (I hope).


  12. "I wonder sometimes, if you let go what would Matt do?"

    I LOVE that... !

  13. @Andrea-- I know what you mean. Not to mention that mean old Karma lady. They're so dumb sometimes. Wish I could shake sense into them. But really, why? They need to step up to us, we shouldn't have to stoop down to them. Onward and upward, not backward and downward.


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