Humility, Gratitude, Strange Dreams and Seeing Myself More Clearly

Photo by Kelly Fisher Photography

Humility 
Perpetual quietness of heart. 
It is to have no trouble. 
It is never to be fretted or vexed, irritable or sore; 
to wonder at nothing that is done to me,
to feel nothing done against me.
It is to be at rest when nobody praises me,
and when I am blamed or despised,
it is to have a blessed home in myself
where I can go in and shut the door
and kneel to my Father in secret and be at peace,
as in a deep sea of calmness,
when all around and about is seeming trouble.

Dr. Bob and the Good Oldtimers, pg 222


Photo by Kelly Fisher Photography

Today I am Grateful

1. the opportunity to write this list b/c it's an action i can take to feel better

2. that i recognize i am grieving this week for some reason, almost like last summer. These are very painful feelings I'm feeling

3. that i have plans tonight to be with very supportive, uplifting people who love me and know me well

4. that i met up with Rega last night, my sitter's mother who sometimes takes care of Oliver for me; she's like a grandma to Oliver... and she always LIFTS me up

5. that i don't understand matt's actions to leave a marriage (i was told to be grateful for that, so that is why i am listing it here)

6. that i have a much stronger faith in god than ever, and that carries me thru these difficult times

7. for my DC women, Kathy especially who kindly turns my head in the direction of strength and self love... who is an example to me of a woman of strong faith and that is what i wish to be

8. for my dear friend maggie who is in the trenches with me, sometimes pulling me up on my feet and sometimes i get to pull her up also... :)...having someone going thru almost the exact same thing who I hang out with regularly eases my fears as I face my days

9. that i have the courage and strength to face my days instead of turning to another man to make me feel better....This would be so much easier if I had another guy's arms around me, if I felt something for another man

10. that I get paid today

11. the amazing rain storm the other night, so beautiful and not as destructive as some

12. that i made it to my car before the down pour hit

13. that i have taken actions to protect myself somewhat from the garden lady, and finding some gratitude and compassion for her instead of resentment

14. for a Nespresso machine at my desk

15. for decafe and regular here at work so that I can still enjoy my coffee without adding additional anxiety to my stomach today

16. for crying and mourning my losses each morning... I'm hoping I'm getting it out (and secretly, I wish Matt knew how bad this is hurting me. even I can't believe I'm still in so much pain.)

17. that i have been asking, really asking, God to remove my want, desire and obsession

18. that i can allow myself to be humble and acknowledge my powerlessness, such a very difficult thing to do when the "prize" is seemingly slipping away

Photo by Kelly Fisher Photography

Strange Dreams

I woke this morning and remembered my dreams. I was thinking of you guys and trying to get snaps to blog about. The dreams were full of fear. I dreamt I was running from everyone, trying to get behind a closed door to cry. A friend, a male friend was chasing me down and trying to help me, but I didn't want the help. I wanted to be alone. I made my way to the bathroom to cry. He came banging on the door. He knocked it down and grabbed me and held me while I sobbed in his arms.

I also dreamt that I was driving in my car up a steep steep hill. It was so steep and I was carrying such a heavy load that I didn't think I could make it up the hill. A friend was beside me and I was afraid to tell her that I we weren't going to make it; yet she encouraged me. It was a long way to the top, all my work friends were up there. There was a party, a celebration going on. We were all going to be in a circle holding hands and I thought if I had the right lens on my camera, this would be a great photo opp for my blog. We were definitely going to be the last to arrive; it was up to me to get us there. Slowly, in first gear, we made it up. It was almost a 90 degree hill, and I could feel gravity pulling us backwards. I didn't dare look back.

On a funny note, in these two dreams, which were somewhat connected, Justin Timberlake was a good friend of mine. :) This is exactly how he looked in my dream:



He was the one who banged down the door to hold me while I emptied my tears out in his arms. :) I hope when I meet him some day I don't run up to him and say, "Hey buddy!" because it feels like I know him intimately now! :P


Photo by Kelly Fisher Photography

Seeing Myself More Clearly

I guess I am strong. I don't know. To live my life despite the pain I harbor in my heart is strength I suppose. I still don't see it that way. I'm too chicken to end my life, and I just could never do that to Oliver, nor to those who love me and believe in me so much. If you must know, I am fighting for my life. This is not on Matt really. I mean, what he has done is senseless if you ask me. I have been betrayed, there is no doubt about that. I have been wronged. Yes. But what is on me is the fact that I still think so much about it, that I cannot seem to let go. (Side note: you know, maybe if you'd like to keep praying for me, pray that I find the strength and courage to let go, that I have the tenacity to love myself more than I love Matt, that the fear of facing all these losses calms down a bit --- but especially the letting go part. Oh how I wish, I wish I could let go! I wish this didn't matter so much!) It's on me to love myself enough to move on. It's on me to love myself enough to not feel fear. It's on me to build my faith in a Higher Power so that I can look at my future with assurance that I will be OK, because right now it doesn't feel that way. It feels as if I am never, not ever, going to get past this. I don't know if I can face a divorce.

Photo by Kelly Fisher Photography

My friend said to listen to this song by MercyMe... Here are the lyrics. I'm listening. It's not helping right now, but maybe soon these words will work their way thru my soul and my heart.

Beautiful
The days will come when you don't have the strength
When all you hear is you're not worth anything
Wondering if you ever could be loved
And if they truly saw your heart they'd see too much

You're beautiful
You're beautiful
You are made so much more than all of this
You're beautiful
You're beautiful
You are treasured, You are sacred, You are His
You're beautiful

I'm praying that you have the heart to find
Cause you are more than what is hurting you tonight




Photo by Kelly Fisher Photography