Today I am Grateful

  1. for my cottage
  2. that i had a great time with oliver up there this past weekend
  3. that i got almost everything done.... it's a challenge to open the cottage for the summer being a single parent!
  4. the peace that the cottage affords
  5. getting landscaping done this weekend. I am Woman. Hear me ROAR! (wait, that was Oliver roaring!)
  6. being a single parent
  7. feeling strong, secure and happy
  8. feeling content
  9. warm weather
  10. that i don't beat myself up when i'm not perfect and don't get it all done
  11. beginnings of a friendship with matt
  12. God and my daily readers
  13. working with others
  14. getting a little fun tan
  15. my goofy (and i mean goofy) son! what a hoot!
  16. having lots of patience with my son. not much annoys me
  17. safe travels.... thank you guardian angel.... i saw deer at three different times (about to jump) on the side of the roads (I was going 70 mph) .... and about 8 dead deer....lots of deer out last night
  18. deaths door chocolate........ omg, thee best ice cream around!
  19. that i got my quart of ice cream even after the store was closed.... (thank goodness the owner was still in the office!)
  20. the cottage is so beautiful
  21. lots of plans to go up there this year with all sorts of friends
  22. not hurting like i was last summer :)
  23. feeling strong and independent and capable
  24. wherever i go, there is God
Know what I'm really, so so soooooo grateful for? That I don't feel like I did last summer. Heck, I don't even feel like I did back in March. Lordy, this is so freeing. Seriously, it is.

Now, this is a bit of a balancing act. It involves a huge amount of faith. HUGE. It involves a LOT of work. Tons of it. This didn't just happen. Time does not heal all wounds. You might disagree. 

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Well, time is not healing me. No folks. It's not time. Because by golly, it's been over a year and truth be told, I still love my husband. Even I am surprised by this. Truly, I am. I thought with time passing so would my feelings for him change.


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I really thought that I'd be over this. Definitely a year later that I'd be free from want and desire. It's just not true in my case.

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What I've learned however is that everyone is different and honestly, losing a marriage, especially when there is a young 2-year old boy involved, is probably thee most difficult thing a person can face. And add rejection to that.... I have met a woman recently who was a widow. She had just left her second husband. Second. And she left him. She was done with his antics. His drinking. His accusations. His avoiding accountability. And yet, she told me that losing this marriage was way more painful than becoming a widow. Why? Because her first husband didn't reject her. This one did. (Ahem, didn't she reject him?) 

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Do you get what I'm saying? Rejection is one of the most painful things ever. Recently we were asked in my book study, What is the most memorable event in your life? Most women in the circle answered, Having my children." I answered, “This.”

The next week we were asked, What is the most life-changing event in your life? Most women told stories of journeys to Europe, having children, changing jobs, starting a business. I answered, “This.

There is really nothing in the world like this. 

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Many times husband has told me how sorry he was for the days in the beginning of our relationship. It was then that he was reckless and used alcohol carelessly. He did this for a few years without cause, and then suddenly, as we were about to be married it got worse! He was indescribably crazy. He was a person I didn't even recognize. 

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While those days are far far behind us, Matt continues to feel bad for how he treated me back then. He has let me know time and again, how heavy his heart is for that time in our lives. He has tried for many years to make it up to me, and he has. But.....

Buddy, that doesn't even hold a candle to this.


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Oh but it's over now. I mean the sucky part. The pain. The daily cries. The mornings of waking up with only one word uttered out of me: Shit. (Sometimes Fuck.) I hated the daylight. I hated facing my days.

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So today I'm good! Really. As I drove home from Door County Monday evening I thought, “Good lord, I'm happy! I like this. I like my life. I like my independence. I like not having someone around. It's just me and Oliver.” 

I loved the long drive home. Just the two of us. I wish, in a way, it could be like that every night. But Oliver needs a daddy. So I reach out my hand in friendship to Matt. I have to be kind and courteous. He's my son's father.

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So what is keeping me alive? What is sustaining me? If time isn't healing me, than just what is?

H. O. P. E.

Hope is keeping me alive.

And hope is the result of:


Faith..... My faith in God. I know it sounds canned. It sounds pat. This is not the answer that pulled me out of the gutter and depths of despair. For that I needed YOU.

But it was YOU who told me about God. You who told me of a power greater than myself that knew me, that knew of me, of my situation, of my needs. You said it would get better. You said God wanted greater things for me. You assured me this was so.

And then it was proven. I began to see it. I began to see the miracles. True miracles. Unexpected. Unexplained. Miracles. They began to happen. All. The. Time. Everywhere. Any place. Any time. My prayers began to be answered. Sometimes slowly, sometimes quickly. The ones that were answered immediately blew me away. I started to find the strength. I found excitement. I found faith. I found hope.

Oh hope. It's a wonderful thing. Without it we simply cannot go on.

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Today, God is a power and a strength inside me. I do feel like Wonder Woman. And if I'm not Wonder Woman, then surely, she is my ally. She is my secret weapon. She is my strength. I turn to her when I need help. And she never fails. She shows up in ways that only I can see, that only I seem to really care about. No friends, I'm not on drugs! :) Altho I'm starting to sound a little bit like I am, aren't I?

:D

It's feeling his presence like never ever before. It's knowing, in my heart of hearts, he is there. He knows me. Knows what I need. Knows how to get thru to me. Gives me presents all. the. time. 


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Hope is also the result of:

You. I have you..... My friends. My readers. My family. You tell me I'm beautiful when I feel fat, ugly, old and rejected. You tell me I'll get thru it when I feel defeated. You pull me across finish lines. You give me water and food when I'm not hungry and cannot feed myself. You are patient. You are kind. You are loving. You are uplifting. You carry me. You bear with me as I repeat my woes and my mistakes. You sit with me in silence while I cry. You cheer me on when I find glimmers of hope. You pray for me. You ask others to pray for me. You see the best in me, despite my defects, despite my wrongs. You've held the mirror up to me and said, "Look! Look at yourself! You are beautiful! Loving! Capable!" I thank you for that. 

My friends, you breathed life back into me. 

You have been my greatest fans, my groupies. You remain my steadfast sanctuary, my powerful support. You are my go-tos... Without you I would feel so so alone! Left to my own devices, I would have fallen into darkness, never to face my fears and incapable of looking forward to my future.


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So thank you. Thank you for reading Raising Peanut and traveling along this path with me. Thank you for checking in. Thank you for your comments (I love comments) :) .... Thank you for every single little thing you've done to carry me along.

I can honestly say, I am happy today.




Comments

  1. What a wonderful post to read. I am so happy that you are in a good place now. I am certain that it is no coincidence that once you started to open the door to God, He stepped in and made a difference. I am so glad that you have found joy again! Yes, still sad that your marriage is as it is, yes, still dealing with issues with Matt ... but still knowing joy.

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  2. Andrea, you are so inpspiring!. I look to your blog for the words and encouragement when I'm too tired, too angry, too hurt, and yes feeling REJECTED too!
    Thank you for spreading your moments of happiness as it gives me hope because I too still love my husband.. even more now then the day he left.

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  3. I like these posts :)
    Two things.
    1) Time heals everything. How MUCH time is a whole other matter. Funny enough everything I read on grieving divorce said to give it at least TWO years so I think you're doing just fine.
    2) Re: your question about the lady rejecting her husband. My guess is, if it's like what happened to me, he rejected her during the marriage which is why she left. Why stay in a marriage where your spouse constantly rejects you?

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  4. Thank YOU for that post...what a strong woman you are...and so honest.

    Thank you for sharing your journey and giving insight...thanks for sharing those fantastic pictures of your adorable little guy.

    You made me think: We all teeter on the edge of where we are, where we WANT to be, and where we fear to be...(can there be an edge between three places?)...watching you pull yourself into the place you WANT to be, even though inertia and fear can be so overwhelming at a time like this - it's inspirational.

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  5. Hey Andrea!

    I believe you can now see God's intentions for you; by demonstrating faith in Him, He is strengthening and sustaining you. And, ultimately, you are becoming a SHINING example to others. And someday, God may put a "younger version of Andrea" into your path. She too will be hurt, broken, and devastated. And you will already have all the right words to say, a strong and solid shoulder to lean on, and a compassionate heart to sincerely listen and understand. Those are the gifts that God is currently pouring into your life right now!

    Keep going, girl!!!

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  6. alamodicus@gmail.comJune 3, 2011 at 10:36 AM

    Thank you for your blog and all the raw and honest feelings and emotions. It's helped to give me strength and (pardon the cliche) it lets me know that I am not alone.

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