Sweet Release

Oh that I had the time and the means to write today! I just arrived at work, and I am only here to let you know that It is Well with My Soul! :)

This weekend was not without its challenges, although it was really sweet. Thanks to my new desk and my obsession with rearranging furniture and un-cluttering my life, I unplugged my internet and cable modem and threw away a bunch of unnecessary cords. After all, what could all these little cords be needed for? Didn't I have just two TV's and wireless Internet? That accounts for only 3 cords, so the rest got packed up and shipped away. I also unplugged everything, dusted it all off and then reconnected it all back just the same exact way. So I thought.

OK, I could live without TV and Internet for the night.

Begrudgingly, I scheduled a tech to come out the next day (Sunday) between Noon and 4pm. But.... My lovely tech showed up early, {God Bless AT&T} and therefor I was not home when he arrived 30 minutes prior to the 4 hour window. I did not know this at first. I stayed home and waited for him for those 4 hours, even calling AT&T once to be sure he was on his way. The computerized CSA assured me he was still en route and also informed me that AT&T offices were closed and that I could talk to a real live person on Monday!

At 4:05pm with no tech man in sight, I called back and with persistence, found a live agent. Yep. The guy came early. Nope, he did not call. Nope, he did not leave a calling card. Yep, I'm gonna have to reschedule. Nope, not tonight. Yep, Tuesday night. Yep, I think I used the word arse, minus the r and the e, adding another s. Yikes. It was not a good day for the live agent. (I did apologize at the end of the call, if it makes you feel any better.)

I feel God uses everything, for while my son slept on Mother's Day, and while my pain was intense in the beginning hours of the day, I found my way to a book, How to Divorce Proof Your Marriage, which I highly (now) recommend. With no internet and no television to distract me, I sat diligently on my 1-year-old-still-firm sofa and began to read. My eyes sprung open as I found so many areas in which I had failed as a wife in my marriage. Astounding! I knew it to be true, but now here it was, in black and white and in list form. If you know one thing about me, know that I love lists. I saw what happened to Matt as well. It was hard to swallow. Reality. Bites.

Well, the book was good to flip thru but truly I have no use for it right now as the efforts to save my marriage have been mainly one-sided. I sat in hurt for most of the day with a few distractions and grace-saving moments. Then a flip switched switch flipped. I cannot really explain it, but my heart changed when I came across a passage at the end of the book (which I will share soon). I realized that I don't have to do this alone. I have another Partner. As well, bonus points: I am making a remarkable impression upon my son. A darn good one! My marriage may not have been perfect, but I am the example to Oliver of commitment. As soon as I have the book in front of me, I will write the exact quote. It's truly beautiful.

My pain left. I moved from self-centered pity to that of gratefulness. I thanked God for softening my heart and removing my pain. I enjoyed the light of the day, the warmth of the breeze, the sound of my son sleeping. I sat in joy in my surroundings — so beautiful, so comfortable. The house that I once loathed became my castle again, my gift, my serenity, my safe harbor. I realized it is a retreat from the world where Oliver and I can grow and learn and love each other. I'm so lucky! I'm so blessed! I'm so fortunate! I have so much to be grateful for!

It's amazing how pain, anger and self-pity cast clouds over my life. I broke free and I spoke a prayer — out loud — to God.  OK God. Fine. It's up to You. You are going to have to help me. I need Your help. I'll get out of your way. I have to trust You; that is so incredibly hard to do.

I need daily assurances. I am feeble when relying upon my own strength, but the Power that resides within me and around me fortifies my mind and body so much so that no one can topple it. That strength pierces my heart and all that is good in me begins to expand. My cells rejoice and life flows thru my veins again. But it's only a daily reprieve. I need my Power fix daily. I need to be constantly reminded. Constantly Powered up.

So Mother's Day was amazing. Truly. The gifts in my life just keep getting bigger and bigger.

The day ended with an amazing spiritual concert. I have a new (innocent) crush on someone too! :P Brandon Heath! :P It was a nice 20-minute distraction. But God filled my soul and released me from the grip of these chains. Mercy Me!

PS. Check back later for that quote from the book!

PS. PS. Here are photos of Oliver making my very favorite Mother's Day gift ever!

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PS x 3 ....  He's getting so big! And I'm so grateful to be the mommy of the greatest kid ever. I know you all love your own kids so much, and that is how it should be. I am so glad God gave me this one. He's just the funniest, bravest, sweetest, most loving child I have ever had the privilege to hold. I'm so glad he's "mine."

oliver-mothers day2