For It is Me, Andrea....

Hello Friends! I have so much to say, so much to update you all on! Let me start by saying life is good. Work is going well. Home life is ever so exciting... my son takes up a tremendous amount of my time and energy and his 3-ness is like cotton candy and lemonade on a hot sticky summer night at the fair. I just can't get over his cuteness and that pip-squeak of a voice he has. I didn't think boys were this cute. I'm so in love.

He's also the most cuddly of creatures. Just the other morning he made his way into the kitchen as he awoke from his evening rest. Always I'm so excited to see him wake, and he blushes as he, I'm certain, realizes how deeply loved he is. I kneel down, and we cuddle right there on the kitchen floor. He buries his head in my chest and relaxes his little body into my arms. He wants nothing more than to just sit there embraced as he washes the sleep from his mind. It's one of the best moments of my day.



So, to update you... gosh. I owe you photos of Oliver's birthday party yet. I owe you an explanation as to why so many of my photos are now missing on Raising Peanut (from past posts). I also have to share a bit about our Easter visit to St. Louis and why I don't really have any photos to offer you from that excursion. Oh, and there are some Mother's Day things to share too.

And as far as my marriage goes... my story here is full of lessons, ups and downs. There's always something for me work through, none of it is easy or pleasant. I am not God tho, so I am not in charge. This, for me, is the hardest realization. I have no control. I want so badly to change my husband, to get him to see things the way I see them. But I can't. I'm 100% powerless. He can mock my pain if he likes because yes it is true, the Queen of Control is now leveled flat on the ground, my powers rendered completely useless. Funny perhaps, yet not. I am entirely humbled. I have never ever been in this place in my life. I have never been put into right-size, completely powerless without a raging rebellious fire inside me. I've been powerless before, but not without a fight. This time, in this place of human ineffectiveness, it's quiet, restful, and sad. I lie watching things unfold without my hands on the steering wheel. It sucks. It involves a great amount of faith and trust. God this hurts at times. And at other times, I can move along, focusing on the things I do have control over: raising my son with love and compassion; being a good employee despite my personal trials; being a good and kind friend, stranger, daughter, sister, etc; finding ways to be of service to others.

I see now how difficult a marriage break up is, not just for me, but for every single person who goes thru this. I've been reading Shania Twain's autobiography, From This Moment On and my heart literally breaks as I absorb the words of her story and what they mean. Oh God, if there is a way I can convey how devastating a marriage and family break up can be to Oliver, perhaps I can help him avoid doing this to a woman that he might some day make a marital commitment to. This is so far reaching, and I guess I am coming so very very close to saying that what has happened to me is wrong, so very very wrong. Yet, I'm not without blame, and as I wrote in my previous post, this has been how I have learned to be a better wife. By not being a wife this past year, I have learned what it takes to make a marriage work. I will share some of those things with you soon. Just add it to my list of things I owe you. :) This past year as well has made me so very dependent upon God; it doesn't matter what religion I am participating in. I need this connection more than I have ever in my life needed it. I need to believe, and I have indisputable proof that someone beyond my earthly realm is helping me. I choose to call that someone God, but I can't say for sure who or what it is. All I know is that this Power is so great, and this Power knows me, really knows me, and is helping me thru this. I can prove it.

So, as time passes quickly, it looks like it might be another summer of Oliver and I going it alone. As for what's going to happen? I'm really not sure. There's a lot going on legally right now, not with our marriage. Just some things we have to deal with before we can launch into any kind of reconciliation.

My dream is to be wanted. I don't want to sell myself. I don't want to prove I am worth it anymore. I know I am. My dream is that God places someone in my life who sees that; someone that I want just as much. I pray that I get that gift because I have been hurt so badly this past year. I hope in the end this is worth it; I hope that there is a beautiful light at the end of this tunnel. I have to so much to offer. Everyone tells me that God has something great in mind for me, for us. I pray that you all are correct. Because this is a hefty price to pay for being a sucky wife. I pray that this pain that I feel off and on goes away forever, and that I find joy again without hurt tagging along just behind it. I pray that I can be free of this some day. And that so will Oliver.

But lets get to the fun stuff. Here's my new toy:









And when I can pry it out of my little Peanuts chubby hands, I get to have a lot of fun with it. I can't begin to tell you how useful and amazing this little thing is.

Here's what makes the $XXX price tag worth it:



Remember this book? I used to read it to my niece and nephew when they were little. Even better it is perfectly animated now, and Oliver is tickled to watch and learn with Grover... if you have a little one, get this app! Check it out....

Grover begins by telling you the name of the book. He reads each word slowly.



Then he realizes what he just read!



He warns his little friend to not turn any pages!



But of course, Oliver does! And so....



So he decides to tie the book up....







But if you tickle Grover, or untie the knots.... it all falls apart. This is where Oliver giggles relentlessly!



And of course, he's also turned another page.



So Grover nails boards to the pages in hopes...



But as always, there's a way to undo his handy work. So he builds a brick wall.



Yet, no matter where Oliver taps on the wall, the bricks begin to fall down.







Again, Oliver laughs hysterically. This is too much fun, foiling Grover's plans.

I shan't be the one who divulges the book's ending, so for that you'll have to purchase the app. Even if you are an adult with grown kids, you might have to spend the $3 to it. Well worth the investment. (Interesting to see how Grover's and my plight are so similar!)

I tell you this, my son is now a fan of Angry Birds and YouTube (Disney Cars vids). This app is much more educational that either of those two options! (Altho it is fun to watch Oliver beat his past scores in Angry Birds.)


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So thank you for joining me today. I'm so glad you all check in often. I know I haven't been on top of posting as much as I have been. It's been so busy the last few weeks, or the last month or two! I'll try hard to give you those updates. I'll actually make a list, OK?

And if you'd like to say a prayer for me, for Oliver or maybe even mostly for Matt, that would be great. You see, I don't know what's going on in my husband's head. I am baffled. I am surprised each time he says or does something positive or negative. I never know what to expect.

At times I am angry. I think of many negative adjectives to describe him. I feel so betrayed, disrespected, despised even. I cannot figure him out. And I cannot wait for the day he will "wake up". Yet, I still respect, admire and appreciate him when I think of him as he was not so long ago,when things were good. Today, he's one of God's kids, and I know God loves him as much as he loves me (maybe not as much as He loves Oliver tho! I think God has special love for animals and children!) ... It may be that Matt needs your prayers more than I do. But who am I to say who has has been more spiritually sick? Lordie knows being hardened, judgmental and pointing my finger is what helped to get me here in the first place. And it's just not my job to rule anymore.

Thanks all for joining me..... enjoy your day, or evening, whichever it may be....