A Shift

Good morning friends. I wanted to share where I'm at.

Church has been such a gift to me, and each week my eyes are open a bit more to God's hand in our separation. I realize now that someone up there really does know the number of strands of hair on my head. And my son's head. It's amazing, and for the first time ever in my life, I can say I truly love God. I rejoice. I am joyful. I'm happy. I'm secure.

When the little earthly rocks roll onto my path, I stumble and fall onto the concrete walk. I lose my faith and my focus. I trip so easily! I can be so strong and sure in how well I will be cared for and then bang. Gone. Blind sided. Not my favorite part of this process.

The important thing is that I keep moving forward with each set back. I become stronger with each scrape on my knees.

When people say that divorce can be more painful than death, I understand why. But like any great trial, God uses everything for good, if we allow Him to heal us. Every moment is teachable; every ounce of hurt can prune us for future happiness.

Kristin Armstrong

In my stronger moments the seeds that have been planted sprout and continue to grow. What do I want? I ask myself.

I don't want what I had anymore because I'm no longer the same woman I was 1 year ago. I want the good. I want the fun. I want the passion. The friendship. The love. Even the sex.

I don't want the bad and the ugly. If my slate is really, truly wiped clean, if I am starting  with a blank canvas and a set of sable hair brushes, then I get to pick out my favorite colors. Together, we can start passionately painting a new picture. Or perhaps I just paint it.

I love being in this place where I feel like I deserve to be treated differently. I cannot tell you what a powerful, hopeful place this is. It is filled with fresh air, clear skies, happiness and joy.

I want it all. I believe that I deserve it all. I believe that God will provide it all. Therein lies my faith, my joy and my happiness.

Each time I fall, I forget this sanctuary. Fear walks in, and I cling to what seemingly little I think have. At times I've held on for dear life, for this may be all I will ever receive, this might be all that remains of what is good and plenty. Nothing, no nothing, shall ever be brought into my life again. Nothing good.

Oh the folly!

Yet like Kristin writes in her book, Happily Ever After, "Circumstances in life often take us places that we never intended to go. We visit some places of beauty, others of pain and desolation," and it's the journey to wholeness; every moment is teachable. I love that about what I'm going thru, what we are going thru, Matt, Andrea and Oliver. I am learning so much about myself and with each moment, each day, I am growing stronger. I fall down, yes, that's true. Most importantly, I get back up, I face my days, I enjoy my life, I see my friends, I talk and walk with God. My faith in God has become stronger. My life is more precious. When I feel that inner peace and joy, I do not take it for granted. I am considering, "What is it that I want?" It's no longer up to Matt. It's not just Matt's decision anymore.

What is it that I want? 

That is where I'm at today.

Thanks for joining me on this journey. Thanks for walking with me in my weakest moments, for lifting me up. Just knowing you are reading this (even if you do not leave a comment) is the well whereupon I draw some strength. And if you do leave comments, I cannot tell you how much I reflect upon them. So thank you. Thank you for walking beside me during the really sad down times, and for standing beside me now as I begin to see light in my life again.



  1. You've conveyed your emotions so eloquently, Andrea. I continue to pray for you and love hearing your updates. You are precious.

  2. It's wonderful to hear of your faith. I remember, now, you asking that of me on Saturday - I hesitated. I know my husband's faith in God is strong, but mine took a back seat eight years ago after my daughter was born. I know - I have a story to tell!

    Go and check out your photos!!!

  3. Going through the same thing myself and, as an avid reader of your blog, you words and feelings have helped me through my difficult journey.

    Just remember: "This too shall pass"

  4. I love your perspective. It's great to hear about your faith and how God is helping you through this difficult time in your life.

  5. You know how I feel about you! Your feet are now firmly planted on the ground! Keep moving forward, you are doing fantastic. Have a wonderful weekend with your visiting. Enjoy : )


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