If you have been wondering how I'm doing, I've been OK. Most days, great. I don't miss my old life, I don't wish for what I cannot have, and I am taking care of me. I am getting angry, really angry and that's good. I wrote a list, 100 items long, of wrongs that I have experienced this past year. I am feeling lately that I am worthy.

Work has been all-consuming. I am on a very exciting project and I get to be the lead designer on it. That is my career passion and I am grateful to be able to use the talents and expertise that God has given me.

Church has been a blessing too. I am still not a convert. Yet I look forward to attending each Sunday, and I have a strong desire to believe what the others there believe. I am still not convinced. I want it, but I just don't quite buy it. I am OK with that for now. Church and I are dating, and we'll see what happens. Luckily, I find that God meets us where we are at. Seek and ye shall find.

Scripture has been an incredible discovery for me as well. I am loving reading the Bible as a self-declared non-Christian woman. I find incredible spiritual fortune there. And it makes sense to me finally.

I'd like to give a shout-out to one of my readers who left a comment about Beth Moore. I had never heard of her before, yet I am realizing what a big name she is in the Christian women’s arena. Her words and her book have helped me more than you know. So thank you anonymous woman for leaving that one particular comment. Thank you so very much.

I feel all roads are leading me to healing. All words are being placed before me in ways that I understand and can make good use of. I feel I am being led, being taken care of, and that I am heard.

When we are faced with really frightening developments in our lives, like loss or a bad diagnosis or a lost child, we get stripped down to what is true and essential — and this is the most spiritual place we can arrive at. And then to be deeply loved in such a raw and undefended state — without armor, routine, and the ability to Fake it — is the absolute definition of Spiritual. 

Anne Lammot

So why do I not write with more joy today? Because today is not the best day. I think it is doubt, that aura of negativity which thwarts progress. If there is evil, I feel it arrives in the form of doubt. I know I will be able to accept whatever the outcome will be eventually, I know I will survive eventually, I know I will thrive eventually. I met the morning with a shroud of doubt, which is so cunning and baffling because I have been feeling such joie d'vie the last two weeks.

I'm like the tightrope walker who all-at-once realizes her position in relation to the ground and loses her self confidence and assurance. My knees buckle and I fall to the ground. 

I shake these negative forces off me. Breathe deep, Sweet One. Breathe deep. God's rapid answer to my prayer.

I will leave you with this new thought. It's taken me a while to get here — to this place, this place of strength and dignity. I write it even now when I am weak, fighting off this which plagues me. I share it with a vulnerable spirit. Hell, maybe it's not even true right at this moment. But here goes:

I am finally truly willing to let go of the outcome and trust that I will be OK without being married. I mourn for my son's losses and all he will have to face, but I know when he and I are together, we will be OK. I stand tall. I stand beautiful. I stand strong. I stand for myself. I stand alone. I will win. 

I will stand with honor, strength and dignity and I will no longer allow myself to make my husband my Higher Power. He didn't ask for that power. I want to be clear about that. I gave it to him. 

I will no longer take God's position. I will stop playing God. I'm not leaving my marriage right now. But I am turning the reigns over to God.


  1. It's so great to hear an update from you, Andrea. I was the reader who recommended Beth to you. I was reading 'So Long Insecurity' at the time and just felt like so much of it would speak to you. I am so glad it's blessing you!

    I also wanted to encourage you on your journey with God. I am Christian and have been for several years, but it was not like a light just came on for me. I think for people who are brought up in church, it's easier because that is just what you've always believed. It's harder to find religion as an adult but, in my opinion, so rewarding. I have so many questions. I struggle through doubts. There are days when I feel so on-track with God, and others where I wonder if he cares about me at all, although I know that he does. My Christianity is a journey, and I really believe that because I am pursuing it, asking questions, and allowing myself to soul-search in this way, my faith gets stronger and stronger. I may never look like those other people in church, but I know me and I know my God and I am beyond thankful that my Christianity is just that: MINE. Between me and God and not needing to fit into some kind of box so that it looks like other peoples'.

    I don't know if that makes sense, but I just wanted to tell you- questions are good. Doubts are normal. Keep at it.

  2. Yay! So glad to hear from you! I didn't know if you would ever read this thank-you to you, so I'm thrilled that you have! Yet another way that God reminds me He is near! :)

    I absolutely LOVE that book and even tho I have heard some of the concepts Beth has written about in other places in my life, her words have really spoken to me, often, and especially the last two weeks. Her words have been so instrumental in helping me turn my obsession around and see what I was doing.

    I have shared this book with a few other women, and a couple months back I had a friend texting me almost nightly about the things she read in that book, thanking me for sharing it with her. So, my dear, you planted a seed in my garden which is growing. I have a bigger garden now, thanks to you and many other angels and messangers that God has placed in my life.

    Please, keep me, Oliver and Matt in your prayers. Matt is going on a men's retreat (spiritual in nature) the weekend of the 15th. He will be doing some reflecting there, and I just pray God reveals Himself to Matt.

    Thank you much,


  3. There ya go! I'm proud of you. We all go at our own pace. Your strides are immense now. Keep them going forward like I have been telling you. God needs not reveal himself to Matt, he's always been there. Matt needs to see it. Good luck to you Matt!

    Be well friend,

  4. You are so right Andy! :) Thanks for your friendship and support! You rock my friend!




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