And acceptance is the answer to all my problems today. When I am disturbed, it is because I find some person, place, thing, or situation — some fact of my life — unacceptable to me, and I can find no serenity until I accept that person, place, thing, or situation as being exactly the way it is supposed to be at this moment. Nothing, absolutely nothing, happens in God’s world by mistake. Until I could accept my alcoholism, I could not stay sober; unless I accept life completely on life’s terms, I cannot be happy. I need to concentrate not so much on what needs to be changed in the world as on what needs to be changed in me and in my attitudes.

The Doctor’s Opinion
The Big Book of Alcoholics Anonymous, 4th ed., pg 417

I don’t struggle with drugs or alcohol addiction, thank goodness, but I sometimes like reading excerpts from that book. There is a wealth of information in there.

Today I release tears of acceptance. I’m seeing, for the first time, myself and my life in perspective. Don’t get me wrong, I’m still facing some fears of my future, yet I can tell that I’m stronger, tougher and more courageous than I was just one year ago. Yes friends, it’s coming up on one year. Almost one year ago my husband dropped the bomb on me. What a year. I hope I never again have to walk thru what I walked thru this past year

I’ve been brought to my knees recently. I am facing a loss I have not yet shared with you here on RP. What was once mine will no longer be. I will be losing much of what I worked for, much of my past, physical memories of times — good and bad — together. My security. Oliver’s security. When I look back on the last 14 years, this will be the second time my husband has uprooted me. I can do this. It’s easier to lose material things than it is to lose a marriage, a friend, a lover and a mate. I will say that without that support however, I’m being rocked to my core.

I had a great weekend. The last two weekends in fact have been awesome! This past weekend I was able to have coffee with three different friends! Wow! And each one was uplifting, supportive and beautiful inside and out. I spent a lot of play time with my son. We cuddled on the couch two nights in a row as I got to share my childhood favorite film with him, The Wizard of Oz. He was entranced, and I held him close and we fast forwarded thru the parts (very few) that scared him. It was great. Really. Both of the past Mondays were wonderful as well.

But somewhere in both weeks, I had myself a good cry. The cry was not filled with grief like it has been in the past. It one of those “good cries”.... the kind where your soul needs a good cleansing and tears bullet out of your heart. My eyes blurred with pain from a broken heart, a withered spirit. It was endless, no bottom, as I realized how tired I am of all of this I’ve been carrying around.

The past two weeks I think I’ve moved into a sort of acceptance. And there in lies the pain. It’s like, “Shit. Dammit.” This is my life, and I can’t wait for a day when this will be different.

Limbo is hard. Limbo sucks. Limbo is painful. And I think I’m moving into a place where I’m getting ready to let go. You know, I’ve tried. I’ve tried all I can. I can’t do this anymore. Really. I just can’t. If Matt can’t see what a wonderful woman I am, then so be it. I’m so done. I’m outta here. I’ve tried everything. Everything. There’s nothing more I can do.

And yes it will hurt. And it will be like jumping off a cliff. And I’m scared. And I don’t wanna have to do this. But this, this waiting, this trying, this hoping, this praying, this “greeting each day with a smile”, it's just not working. I’m sorry to say, he’s a damn fool. Really. I can’t keep doing this.

Now, there’s something important I want to say. Let me carefully try to word this....

There are some things going on in my life that I just cannot share online, in a public way, and these things greatly affect my situation. Apart from my own personal grief and journey, there are some other reasons I could not end this separation.

What I’m saying is that I’m in the barrel. Even work is challenging right now. Very challenging. It’s not good.

And you know what I wish? You know? I just want to come home. To my son. To my husband. To somewhere I'm loved and accepted. Where I can be me. Where I can let it all hang out. Where I can put on my sweats, my big furry socks, my hair in a pony tail..... and see some smiling faces. I want my soft place to land.

But I don't have that.

Tonight Oliver is with his daddy.

Tonight Matt and I are separated.

Tonight I am alone.

At this point I just don't know how all this will be resolved. I heard God laughs at the impossible. I so hope that is true. Because this is too big for me. I’ve tried. It’s just not working.

I'm just done. I wish I could do what I'd really like to do: just walk away. Get on a plane, see the world, go away for a while and have my own personal Eat, Pray, Love. I’ve got no more in me. I’m just done. Done with the hurdles at work. Done waiting. Done passively trying. Done hoping. I'm done trying to be the better person in this separation. Done trying to show my husband what he’s missing. Done trying to work so hard to bring passion, happiness, joy, positivity to every area of my life. I work hard. I really do. I do.

And tonight I'm just tired of trying so hard to make it work.

I just want to let it go.

My God, how much more can I take? I’m going down, being stripped of all I once had. Something in almost every area of my life is being taken away from me in one form or another. Work. Friends. Home. Family. All that is left is me. And God.

Like Anne Lammot said, “we get stripped down to what is true and essential — and this is the most spiritual place we can arrive at...”

I'm just done trying. I give up. I surrender. It’s just not up to me anymore. Any of this.


  1. love reading your stuff. you write eloquently
    with passion too... and conviction
    your words are very believable....


  2. "It will all work out in the end and if it doesn't then it isn't the end".

    You have a lot going on and it is very difficult. I don't know the details of your situation and it is tough to give advice. I just think that stagnation is the worst. If you are tired of the hoping and waiting (which I absolutely understand!) could you not sit down with the husband and ask him to do the necessary steps to bring an end to that misery? I understand that you didn't want a divorce but being stuck in that limbo is sickening and you won't be able to move on.
    I am wishing you the best, keep your head up even if it feels like you can't.

  3. Thanks guys for the comments. We can't end it right now for some legal things we have going on. After that is off our plates we can see what is left of our marriage. Just an FYI to those who care.

    :) Enjoy your day! I'm sure enjoying mine! :P

  4. andrea, we need to talk, its been a long time and we never did try it!!! sigh. can you send me an email? or maybe i can figure out how to send one to you. miss ya!


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