Today I’m Grateful

This is my second post today, and if you read my earlier post, you will understand why it was imperative for me to do a gratitude list. I'm falling fast and furious, and I have to face my reality with strength, with dignity. This is one of the first steps to get back on track.

 Today I’m Grateful
  • for my beautiful son
  • for work and a job
  • for the interaction with others at work today on this big project
  • that i'm priv to work on this project
  • for email
  • for a place to go to tonight where i might be able to heal my hurts
  • for someplace to go tomorrow also to keep me out of trouble
  • that i can visit my son tomorrow at daycare
  • that matt and i had a very pleasant exchange this morning
  • that when he showed up 15-20 minutes early i had almost everything done and ready, including myself, our son and all the stuff that goes along with that
  • that matt is smiley and nice and not avoiding my eye contact, crabby, angry or resentful like he was up until xmas this year
  • that my fears are just that
  • that i have the courage to take some action steps now
  • that i am admitting that i really need to face my anger
  • that i am hurting again and yet i still feel hunger, so that is good
  • for my clean home; it just needs to be picked up
  • for the collaboration at work; i'm not alone in carrying the burden of creating successful work
  • for my friends, my dear, dear friends
  • for the book study on friday night; it fills me up to spend time with women
  • for finding the right words to say to the women i mentor
  • that i realized i took care of myself this weekend
  • that i am a good mother even if we don't do special, fun, exciting things... we find love and comfort in the little things {i'm saying this for my sake b/c i put pressure on myself to do more fun stuff w/oliver}
  • that i can give god my fears... someone greater than me has to take them b/c i alone cannot handle them!


please, if you will, say a prayer for me today as I am in a place where I am hurting, sad and full of pain again. I know this wont last, but it's scary to be here again. I'm all too familiar with it. So if you could offer up a prayer for me right now, I'd so appreciate it.

Today I’m Grateful for Matt

  • for his arrival this morning, on time (early)
  • for his good attitude
  • for his kindness
  • for staying married to me
  • for communicating with me
  • for taking great care of oz
  • for smiling when i was a little overly worried that oliver didn't have enough food
  • for taking oz to the car museum
  • for continuing a relationship with oliver
  • for paying the mortgage
  • for paying the bills
  • that he's taking care of himself, physically. his appearance is very attractive.
Thanks to all of you who check in, who send me emails, texts, facebook letters and actual letters in the mail. You carry me when I feel I am falling down fast and can no longer do this.

* * * * * 

Yesterday I cried. Oliver was with me in bed. I thought he was asleep. I just broke down in the dark, my face lit only by the computer screen. My son moved. He came toward me and said....

You crying Momma?

Oh Oliver.

You want my daddy?

Oh Oliver. Mommy's crying. Yes. I want your daddy. But Mommy's OK. Really. It's just tears. Sometimes Mommies cry too.

Can I give you a hug?

Oh yes Oliver! I would Love that!

{we hug}

In his hair I say, "Oh my dear son. You are so sweet. YOu are so special. I love you so much. I'm so lucky to have you."

He breaks away.

You feel better now Momma?

Yes, Oliver, I do.

You better now? he asks again.

Yes Oliver. I'm better now.

He pauses as he looks at me. He smiles. I smile back.
He declares: OK. Good.

And he goes back down to sleep.

 * * * * *

Grief Is Legitimate
Day 39

Grief can be described as an overwhelming, unpredictable mass of emotions that bombard you and threaten to take over your life for an extended period of time. These emotions are your body's natural response to the loss and pain that occur in a D.

You will hinder your healing if you try to suppress the emotions of grief. Your losses are legitimate and must be faced. Many people say that the loss associated with D is worse than the loss of a spouse through death:

"In death there is closure because the person has died,"
says Dr. Linda Mintle. "In D, your ex-spouse is still out there. And, if you've had children with that person, chances are you will meet again under any number of circumstances, such as graduations, weddings, the birth of a grandchild, or at other significant events in your life. This kind of open-ended, ongoing relationship makes closure more difficult."

Wayne says, "D is worse than death because in D that person chose to leave you. In death so many times the person did not choose to leave, and you know that he or she died loving you; whereas in divorce it's not like that. Your ex-spouse is gone, and he or she wanted to leave."

In D, you are mourning the death of a relationship that is no longer available to you, even though the people involved are still here. This is so difficult!

Divorce Care, Daily Reflections


  1. Praying for you right this minute.

  2. Praying for you now, and every day. Sending love and bringing hugs for when I see you in a few weeks.


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