A New Me

Hello my friends. I know you are all checking in on me. I'm doing better, altho I did wake up with an old friend this morning. No, not a dog. Not a cat. Not another warm body {altho I look forward to that some day... just not now....}

Pain in my heart. The sunken, sullen feeling of dread. Pure dread.

But I'm doing better. A few doses of caffeine and I was off. I have been feeling so good, such joy for life, such optimism and self-esteem that when I got blindsided with this grief, it took me down. My D Care class helped some what last night. Time will take care of the rest. And your prayers. And the actions. I am being reminded of the actions I am taking. I encourage all of you to look at your actions. It's the actions that matter.

My angel, my son, gives me such great encouragement. He tells me, "Get up Momma!" Look out b/c when he's ready to start his day, you had better be too! I try to wake before him most days, but the days where I have a rough go of it, he surely is my motivator. So I tell him, "I am up Oliver!" as I wipe the sleep from my eyes and adjust to the daylight.

"Get your toes out from under the covers!" he demands. Man, there is no foolin' this kid.

OK, so I obey and pull my feet out from under the covers.

"Stand up!" he demands.

My goodness. Is there no rest for the weary? No time to dwell in self-pity and heart-ache? Again I respond to his commands, and up I go and start my day too.

My son was not with me when I woke this morning. Yet I heard his voice and heeded his commands. Off I went to begin my day.

I still have a broken heart today. It's coming up on one year. I cannot believe it. I realize I am in fear that my husband will end this separation soon and not in the way that I'd like to end it.

Yet, there is a new me. I would give anything to show him that I am now the woman he has always wanted, how could I not have changed over this year? If he'd only try. Just try. I think that if this ends, the best thing I can say to my son years from now is that his mother tried. I tried all I could to work things out.

Right now, my husband wont be able to say that to Oliver. He has not tried everything. Not yet. Do I blame him? I guess I'd have some work to do in that department. The thing I know is that since December, I have not acted at all in a way that has harmed me, my son or my husband. I have been upstanding, up front, honest and acted with strength and dignity.

Dignity is my watch word. Yes, I have let my guard down. Yes I have felt hurt, pain, grief, terror, fear. That is normal. Yes, I have cried. I have poured my heart out here on my blog. But I have acted with dignity the past 4 months. I have not snooped, searched, acted in anger nor created any messes that I have to clean up later. I have not taken any of this out on my son or others. I have not hurt myself either in ways that harm my self-esteem and dignity.

I intend to leave this marriage, if that be the case, with my head held high, knowing that I have done my very very best to behave morally, properly and with grace and dignity. I have not jumped into another relationship. I have not broken into my husband's emails. I have not stalked him, character assassinated him to his family and friends, spoke badly of him to a single person. I have my bouts of anger. But I don't live and breathe resentment. I have been kind to him. I have done nothing intentionally to hurt him. I have done little that he can point a finger at. I've made mistakes along this journey. We both have. I hope and believe that, especially since last December, I have not caused any more grief and harm than there already is.

I have filled myself up with positive things that will sustain me when the perhaps inevitable comes. I have not completely forgiven my husband, but that takes time. I am working toward that. And if he does take action to D, I know I will have to work very, very hard at forgiveness. I think I have left no stone unturned. I cannot say the same for him. Sadly, I cannot. That is where I will have a hard time to forgive him. I wonder too, if his son will as well.

Matt, I wish you read my blog, but I fear you do not. I'm all that you have been hoping for. I wish I could say to you that it would be OK with me to try again, slowly....

And maybe that is what you are doing now. 

For Matt and I have become friends again. Perhaps he is testing the waters. Life is good between us. Despite my highs and lows, he has remained respectful, communicative and somewhat open. He has been extremely financially responsible which I am so grateful for. And best of all, he has been a good father to Oliver. I know a lot of woman who are in the same boat as me. Their children do not have their father in their lives. That is so sad.

So I don't know. I really don't. I can look at my relationship with my husband two ways: We are on the road to reconciling perhaps. Or... we are on the road to D, where he is trying to act as kindly as possible.

How he could turn his back on this gift is beside me. I don't want to give up my son 2 or 3 nights a week. If I were Matt, I'd look at me, at Andrea, and try to see that women he married. She's there, only a million times better... stronger, more independent and self-assured, self-caring, self-supporting in so many ways.... more humbled, more loving, more kind, more sexy, more forgiving than ever. 

I hope he allows me to be the wife he always wanted.

I wish he could see me the way all of you see me. I wish he could see that and grab it for himself. Realize that we could be happy again.

Guys, this is where I am. Take me or leave me. I know I might not sound strong. But I am strong.

Thanks for joining me....