My Nightmares

I wake to find some relief, but just barely. As my head hits the pillow each night my hope slowly fades away. I have friends that pick me up, as if each grabs an arm and lifts me while my feet drag on the floor and my head slumps over, and carry me to a safe place where they try to inflate me with hope. It works for a short while. But I have a slow leak. That leak is my husband. That leak is my doubt. That leak is reality, I fear. I'm a damn fool if I think he's coming back. I'm a damn fool if I think this nightmare is just that. I fear it's my life. It is my reality for now. But I fear it's never going to change. He's never coming back. My marriage will never be again. I will never have what I had with Matt with him or anyone. I will be honest: these thoughts come into my head often and, with all my strength, with all my dignity, with God's help, with your help, I push them away, and I find a string of hope to cling to. I hang on because my life and my son's well-being desperately depend upon it.

I just broke one of my cardinal rules: I never speak of doubt. I have never given life to these words or thoughts. They carry weight and I fear saying them out loud makes them too real to swallow. Writing them makes them real. Writing them makes them true.

Many of my friends give me hope for my marriage, hope that Matt might be feeling something for me. Church gives me hope that there IS a God and that He knows me, for sometimes I feel alone, abandoned and that there is a Universe rooting for me  but not The One. I have doubts that He knows how many strands of hair I have. I find hope in the Bible, I find hope in various places. The hope is sometimes just for me and Oliver, sometimes it's for the 3 of us.

But alone. In my dreams. I die a slow death. I find no rest anymore in my sleep. When I awake, the nightmare continues. Why does my dream of Matt, Andrea and Oliver matter so much to me? Why can't I just accept that maybe some things wont turn out as planned and that would be OK? Why do I hang so much upon this marriage? Why the f*** does it mean so much to me anyway? WTF? I'm mad. I'm angry. I'm p*ssed. What the hell? How can this be?

I hinge my hopes on little things like a text from Matt, like a Bible verse, like the Secret and the power that lies within it, like things friends say to me, in the smile from another man. I've asked Jesus to come into my life. I'm being honest. I feel nothing. Nothing! Nothing! Nothing!

I'm scared. Really. If you want to know the damn truth? I'm scared! I don't want a life without my family back together. I don't.

And when I feel as pain-filled as I feel now, when I feel as vulnerable as I feel now, I get scared. I look at my son who is filling up my life. I have my mommy hat on almost all the time, even at work. I am a Mother and now it seems to define me, consume me. When filled with pain to depths of my heart, of my being, and then my son leaves with his father like he did this morning, I am ripped apart. I am torn apart to the very raw core of my soul.


No amount of rationale makes sense of that, and don't flippin’ give me that damn pat answer: Kids are resilient. God d*mn it! He shouldn't HAVE to be!

* * * * *

Needless to say, this is a tough Monday morning for me. Going thru this and then having to say good-bye to this child of mine who I will not see until Wednesday at 5:30 pm {it's currently Monday, 8 am as I write this and they just left} .... well, all I can think of is how the heck to get this pain to go away and the only thing I can think of is to sit and my garage and go to sleep. It. Hurts. That. Much.

I wont ever do that to my son. I say it ONLY to convey to you the depths of my pain, the deepest part of my soul that it touches. It's one of, no.... it is thee worst feeling I have ever had in my entire life.

* * * * * 

My dreams are recurring. Each night in my dreams I cannot walk without pain. In one side of my body, my right side, my knee does not work, my hip does not move. I walk slowly in each dream, with pain, and I move so slow that I can barely get to where I'm going.

In each dream I beg Matt to see the value in me, in our marriage. In each dream he is stoic and refuses to bend. I cannot convince him. I cannot reach him. He is stone cold, resolved in his decision. I'm out. In last night's dream he took his hopes and his dreams for us, written on a piece of paper, and burned them. In last night's dream, I was, one more time, begging him to come home. Pleading with him to see the good in me and to allow himself to fall in love with me again. “Look at me! Look at my body! Why don't you want me?” In last night's dream he was upset with me for being who I was. Nothing I did in my dream could make him accept me; I did nothing right.

Friends, I cannot get my husband to love me again and I think coming face to face with my powerlessness over that is just killing me. I can't face that reality. I have to have hope. I have to cling to hope. I need hope. I need it. I need it like I need air.

* * * * *

I don't know if I can do this friends. I can't!! {You have been doing it Andrea.} I don't know if I will ever experience the compatibility that I had with Matt, the fun, the love, the trips, the good times. He was my best friend! He was my companion. I never thought this would happen! I still can't believe it is happening. {It has been happening for quite some time Andrea.} I've got to find hope again, because this crap is just too hard to face. My heart is burning with ache.

feel better

At least one thing has become clear to me. I do know what I have to do next.


  1. Andrea - my heart aches with yours this morning. I can only imagine what it is you are going through. One thing is clear - you have grown in so many ways during this painful journey. My father-in-law used to always tell us that if one day at a time seems like too much to handle, break it down into whatever increment you can handle - even if it's 10 minutes at a time. Just get through the next 10 minutes, and go from there. It's not a perfect solution by any means but sometimes it's the only way. So - here's to the next 10 minutes - I KNOW you can do it. xo

  2. I’m sorry you have to go thru this. You’re in a bad spot. What can you/we do to get you out of it? You have your meeting tonight. You have a weekend you can reflect on and make a list of all the very cool things you and Oz did together. Make me a list. I want to know what you guys did. I can tell you you, 3 little boys broke my work laptop on Saturday. And JD and me made brownies from scratch on Friday. And I made a killer garlic butter chicken penne asparagus dinner for me and Stefanie last evening. Make me a list Andrea. Pretty please!

    Andrea, it’s difficult and it sucks. But it is what it is, and you always tell me to not feed those thoughts. Can you blog about positive stuff on top of that blog?

    I love you. And We love you and Oz and if I had a magic potion to make you not have to feel these feelings I would. But you’re gonna get thru this. And you’ll be ready when you’re ready and then, and only then, will you take whatever action it is you are suppose to take. And you are loved by God. And family’s aren’t cutouts with only one specific definition. They come in many shapes and forms. You mind’s image of what a family is may have to change. Mine had to change.

    Invite God in Andrea. Holler out loud for him if you need to. Print a passage and tape it to your computer and keep reading it until you feel his presence. You’re in a spot. Ask God for help getting you back in to your spot of confidence and dignity and out of this one.


  3. Simply put... You WILL make it Andrea! Remember, nothing in God's world happens by mistake... HE has a plan


  4. Now you got it out. Let it stay outside.
    Much love.

  5. I echo all of the above. Let God carry you and fill you up, Andrea. He is the only one who can heal your aches and make you whole again. Praying for you, and for Oliver, and for Matt.


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