The Way Will Open

Every time I take my focus off this ....

Mommy and Oliver at Grampa’s house

I forget this ....

You must be renewed, remade.... Love is a conquering force. Be not afraid...

...sweep away all the bitter past.

Take heart. God helps, God fights, God wins. You shall see. You shall know. The way will shall see each day unfold.

God Calling, January 3rd

I think I know why some days are difficult. This week I was able to keep Oliver on Monday evening. What a relief. I think part of what I fight for in this marriage is my son. I see why some people stay married for the sake of the kids. It might not be the kids so much, altho I will say, having Oliver “stable” and at home for a number of days in a row resulted in him having a very very good, calm, peaceful day at school. However, I think in part, people who stay together do it also for their own sake. Mothering is such an intense privilege. I feel my responsibility is great, my love is grand, and the duties of mothering are profound. I love to be with my son, I live for my time with him. I like it. I don't have to do it, I want to do it. There is an immense sense of satisfaction in watching him eat the food I prepare, in teaching him about life at the age of two, in modeling how to enjoy the beauty around him. There is a sense of wholeness even in the trenches of potty training and wiping his butt. There is pleasure in the unruffled calmness of reading his nighttime stories and in putting him down at the end of the day, in watching him breathe in his sleep.

When I leave for work on Mondays, I drop Oliver off at daycare, and that whole morning is shadowed by the thought that I will not see my “baby” until Tuesday at 5:30 — a whole 32 hours later. My heart is ripped out on most Monday mornings. My duty torn from me. My maternal rhythm interrupted.

Oh why can’t Matt at least see that? Our son flourishes with both parents around. He adores both of us. Why can’t we try to make this marriage work just for that reason alone? {Because he will be miserable, an unhappy husband, an unhappy father. But that is a misnomer. It's based on the assumption that he will always be unhappy, which is not true.}

Oh but I am powerless over my husband, this I know. He agrees with little of what I say. I have no influence on him anymore. And as I have written before, I am no longer trying to change his mind. {And he no longer reads this blog, so I feel safe in sharing this here.} That doesn't mean facing my powerlessness feels good, because it doesn't. My heart breaks. I want to scream, to run him down, to incur a showdown with him. Can’t he see what this is doing to our child? This is senseless, useless. It was not that bad. I am not that bad. Time will change things. You wont always feel this way. There are systems in place to help us. Counseling. Weekend retreats. Passionate trips. Victoria Secret for goodness sake! It can be fixed. We can make this work!


My thoughts reside in me and are no longer audible from the margins of my mouth.

Those words echo in empty halls, resounding in the chambers my mind, bouncing off Matt and back to me. He is ice. He is stubborn. He is dead set in his own thoughts; justified. He cannot hear me. Why am I the only one receiving these messages? Why isn't anyone telling him this stuff too? Where is God in his life?

“I don't know where my daddy is.” Oliver said yesterday on the way to daycare. “I don't know where he is,” he repeated. It hurt. That's all I can say. It frickin’ hurt. It’s not very poetic to say this. But I knew. I knew where Matt was. How do you tell your kid? And, why shouldn’t Oliver have woken up with his daddy that morning? It’s senseless. I will go to my grave saying this. It’s frickin’ senseless that this is happening. I’m pissed! My eyes are about to water....

.  .  .  .

Ah yes. Enough of the rant. I have to focus on the positive. I do. I write my gratitude lists, almost daily. In fact, I write them about his father as well. Really. “I am grateful for Matt...” starts each list. Why you ask? If I don’t, I will go insane with anger. I have to allow my husband the freedom to make his choices. Do I want to tear him apart? Well, I wouldn’t be human, would I? But it does me no good, nor the situation, nor my son. I have to love my husband unconditionally, especially if I’d like to make this work out between us, whatever “this” may turn out to be.


I’m reading a book based on one of my reader’s comments. It’s by Beth Moore, So Long, Insecurity: You've Been a Bad Friend to Us and in it she writes, “When you feel that familiar pain begin to rise in your heart like a river coursing its banks, and your soul begins to roll around with another round of, ‘What will I do if ...?’ Child, you are asking the wrong question. Here’s the one that would assuage your fears: What will God do if...?

She goes on to say, “There is so much that I don’t know. But sister, I’m certain of this... if you will place your trust in Him, no loss, rejection or betrayal will ever get the last word. You will stand on your feet stronger than ever.” I’m trying to really hear that, to believe that. I’m trying to remember that there are miracles to be had, in fact we’ve seen miracles in both of our lives. I’m trying to remember the power of the Universe, the Divine Order of things, that this journey will end with something good.

Beth also wrote, and I am paraphrasing right now... that we should gracefully duck so God can take a compassionate swing at our husbands to get the message to them. I chuckled. She knew how to get me to hear her. I am still waiting for God to whack my husband on the head. God, I sure hope you have a good aim! Have at ‘im! :)

.  .  .  .

Ugg. This is hard. I took my eyes off my life for a split second today. That's all. One second. And it hurt to do that. It hurt me. It took me about 45 minutes of reading and meditating to get back on track. I have to keep moving forward, to believe that I will get all that is good in life. What I am losing or about to lose or have already lost is just temporary. I will survive. I will come out of this alive. I will have more than I have now... You all have told me that. I have to believe that. I have to work toward that. I cannot let this kill me, because let me tell you, it was tempting for a while there to go park myself in the garage. Please don’t worry, I wont do that. I have this little boy who needs me. A family that is really pretty cool. And a lotta lotta friends. It’s gonna be OK. We’re gonna be OK. We will. I know.

God fights, God wins. You shall see. You shall know. The way will open....

PS. Stop back later. I will add more photos to this post tonight.





  1. You know, Andrea... Your post about Eddie and this one reminded me... God only gives us what he knows we can handle. Sometimes, when I am feeling like things are a little bleak, it helps me to remember that... That when I lose faith the most... That is when he is putting his faith in me. Keep hanging in there!

  2. Thank you! That is so true!

    I never thought about God putting His faith in me either.... Good things to think about!


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