Today I’m Grateful

I think  it’s appropriate to start out the new year right with a list of things to be grateful for. Here goes....

1. for my little son
2. for the opportunity lately to rock him to sleep
3. for the way New Year’s Day worked out: I got to see my friends just when I was starting to slide backwards. Instead, I was carried thru the evening
4. for the delicious chocolate chip cookies Danielle made, organic too!
5. for the opportunity to watch my son find a bathroom in my friend’s home all by himself, use the toilet (even closing the door) and flushing.... all by himself! wow! He's growing up!
6. that my father could watch my son for a few moments today while I ran to the grocery store
7. that organic blueberries were on sale, fresh
8. for my warm, beautiful home
9. for my health, my son’s health, my father’s health
10. for one of the best Christmas’s ever... it was so wonderful and joyful
11. that I can see how God is working in my life today
12. that I know God has someone in store for me who will love me, who wont lie, who I will be attracted to, and who will be good to me and to Oliver
13. that I can let go of negativity
14. for a nice New Year’s Eve
15. for the weight I lost
16. for having just the right people in my life.... so many who are carrying me and guiding me
17. for all that I have which is more than I need
18. for Matt’s financial support
19. that Oliver has a father who loves him and is very good to him
20. that we are warm and safe inside while it is bitter cold outside

Yes, it's true, I was beginning to feel a little forlorn yesterday. It started when Matt dropped off Oliver on Thursday evening and then said good bye and Happy New Year... I’ve been diligent at letting negative thoughts come and go — choosing not to dwell on them. They really showed up after he left that night, and I think it was because I knew where he was off to, what he was going to do. I don’t want to deprive him the privilege to enjoy his life. However, I will be honest, it is hard to be the one left behind.

So I sought comfort the last couple of days in watching my son fall asleep in my arms. I took solace in how sweet he is, his little voice, his loving actions and words. I’m blessed with a child. Period. Yet, I’m blessed with a precious child, loving, caring, learning, growing, needing, thinking, maturing, breathing. Lucky, lucky me (as Lola would say).

I think I have shared before that my thinking has been very different the last week or more. I no longer am obsessed with hoping my husband will come back. In fact, I am actually enjoying this time alone. Our home is clean, warm, inviting. My life is starting to take shape; I’m keeping things simple. Time has somehow expanded. Money has multiplied. I’m being cared for in the Divine sense. I’m not sure how or why this is happening, and yet, I don’t care to understand it completely. I know finally I am OK. We are fine. We are going to continue to be fine. We will make it. We will survive. I have put my artillery down. My weapons are on the ground, my arms are up in the air. I just don’t want to control the outcome anymore. I don’t want that burden. “Let the chips fall where they may,” my husband once said. I finally agree.

I now know that someday I will be in a relationship that is reciprocal, where the other person will enjoy me and I, in fact, will enjoy him. My girlfriend told me the other day, “You wont be on the market long.” And another friend told me, “Andrea, you deserve to have someone who can’t imagine taking a breath on this Earth without you.” I finally believe them. I finally am trusting God.

Honestly, this talk is all well and good. When sh*t hits the fan and papers are served, I don’t know how I’ll really feel, what I will honestly say or do. Until then, I am working on keeping my thoughts positive. I cease fighting. I give up. Not on hope. I just give up trying to change my husband’s mind. Do I think he’s making a big mistake? Do I think he will regret his decision to D? Yep, I do. But I can’t make him see things the way I do, and I don’t really know what it’s like to be in his shoes. 

I’m hoping, I’m praying, and I’m focusing on being a mom to Oliver, a daughter to my father, a sister and sister-in-law to my family, a good employee to my boss, a good friend to my buddies, a good example to the women I mentor, a kind stranger to those I encounter in my life, and a faithfully honest writer to all my readers. That’s more than enough for now.

Happy New Year y’all!