Where are the Days....
It was not that long ago that the conversations were friendly, the atmosphere amicable and respectful. The air tinted with remorse and humility. The wall was DOWN. Finally. Down! I beg for those moments to return. I beg to have these feelings removed. I'd do anything, just anything to go back in time.
Even just back to November 1st, just 30 days ago. Let me do that over. Let me do October and November over. Let me please have the chance to be the woman I can be.
You have no idea how hard this is, and I guess I will stop apologizing and say that it's only separation, for what this is, really, is the end of my life as I knew it. And a huge betrayal, not the infidelity kind, but folks, let me ask you this:
What possesses a man to leave a warm home, a beautiful wife, and one real sweet child. The child in his forming years, barely his own personality yet...Why, when Oliver is still so young and I am a good woman, why wont he give us another chance; why would he flat out say I don't even want to try? Why? Why? Why? What kind of person does that? How can this be? I use the word senseless, because that's what it is.
There are people who have lost their children to a drunk driver, people who witnessed their loved ones die right before their very eyes, people who have lived through the hardest events that life throws at them. For me, this is it. This is the worst thing that could possibly happen to me right now. Sure I can imagine worse. But lordie, save me please. This is just too much for me.
Seeing my son put up a tree with his father, the tree that we should be putting up in our own home... the tree we have cut down together for years.... our tradition. My husband doesn't even like Christmas. Oh yes, I'm glad, and I know, it's for our son. But my insides are out because I feel left out. Unwanted. Rejected. What happened to my family?
Please, get me thru these holidays because I tell you this: I can barely put one foot in front of the other right now and in just a few moments my son will arrive and I will have to dry up these tears and put on my happy mommy face and I just think it's all too much for me and I'm just trying to hold it all together by a thin string of thread and it's just not fair and I don't want to do this and I just want my family back together God please just give it to me I can't stand this anymore tears are streaming down my face when I have work to do it's not fair it's not right and I just can't do this.....
I can't, I tell you I can't.
It's too much. I'm not sure how much longer I can take this before I just disintegrate into tiny little pieces.... until there's nothing left. I feel I'm not much of a mother right now and I know I'm not much of a friend or an employee and I'm not sure where to go to get the strength that I pray for it's just not coming.
Even just back to November 1st, just 30 days ago. Let me do that over. Let me do October and November over. Let me please have the chance to be the woman I can be.
You have no idea how hard this is, and I guess I will stop apologizing and say that it's only separation, for what this is, really, is the end of my life as I knew it. And a huge betrayal, not the infidelity kind, but folks, let me ask you this:
What possesses a man to leave a warm home, a beautiful wife, and one real sweet child. The child in his forming years, barely his own personality yet...Why, when Oliver is still so young and I am a good woman, why wont he give us another chance; why would he flat out say I don't even want to try? Why? Why? Why? What kind of person does that? How can this be? I use the word senseless, because that's what it is.
There are people who have lost their children to a drunk driver, people who witnessed their loved ones die right before their very eyes, people who have lived through the hardest events that life throws at them. For me, this is it. This is the worst thing that could possibly happen to me right now. Sure I can imagine worse. But lordie, save me please. This is just too much for me.
Seeing my son put up a tree with his father, the tree that we should be putting up in our own home... the tree we have cut down together for years.... our tradition. My husband doesn't even like Christmas. Oh yes, I'm glad, and I know, it's for our son. But my insides are out because I feel left out. Unwanted. Rejected. What happened to my family?
Please, get me thru these holidays because I tell you this: I can barely put one foot in front of the other right now and in just a few moments my son will arrive and I will have to dry up these tears and put on my happy mommy face and I just think it's all too much for me and I'm just trying to hold it all together by a thin string of thread and it's just not fair and I don't want to do this and I just want my family back together God please just give it to me I can't stand this anymore tears are streaming down my face when I have work to do it's not fair it's not right and I just can't do this.....
I can't, I tell you I can't.
It's too much. I'm not sure how much longer I can take this before I just disintegrate into tiny little pieces.... until there's nothing left. I feel I'm not much of a mother right now and I know I'm not much of a friend or an employee and I'm not sure where to go to get the strength that I pray for it's just not coming.
Andrea, please do not try to think of the future too much. Try to think of this as living in a thick fog. You can see a few steps ahead of you, but then there is fog, just take the steps. Don't accept that it is over, either. But ask yourself how different it would be if he came back? It wouldn't be the same. None of us knows what the future brings, none of us understands the doings of our fellow human beings or why he did what he did. But what I do know is that you are strong and that you will get through this. Crying is good, let it out. Best to you.
ReplyDeleteAndrea, I read this blog post the other day and you came to my mind.
ReplyDeletehttp://stuffchristianslike.net/2010/12/the-soft-x/
I don't know you, but somehow found your blog. I pray for you often. I am also reading a book right now by Beth Moore that talks about insecurity in women. And parts of it talk specifically about rejection and how completely life-changing and heartbreaking it is when the ones we love and trust the most simply don't want us. And the painful insecurity that leaves us with.
It has been so uplifting to me to remember that God will never reject me. He can count the hairs on my head. He knows EVERY single tear I cry, he stays up with me late at night as I agonize. He cares about the ridiculous things that I allow myself to obsess about. He thinks I am beautiful. I know you KNOW these things, but it's nice to be reminded sometimes. You are not alone. You are cherished.
Praying for you.
xo
Thank you to both of you for leaving me such precious comments which I am taking to heart. :)
ReplyDeleteAnd to all my friends who called me yesterday, thought of me yesterday and prayed for me after reading my recent posts.
This is hard stuff and I'm not going to apologize. I probably scared a good number of my friends and family members. Every one of you is pulling for me and I'm trying very hard to do my best and stay out of self-pity. I pray all the time. Most recently I've been talking to my mother who passed on and the miracle of that is that as soon as I am done speaking to her, my phone rings. It's happened twice now.
Thanks to all for checking in and for all you do for me.
Love, andrea
I know it is not easy what you are going through... but I also know you have it in you to do it... You are a strong woman!
ReplyDeleteYou are cared for and prayed for...and little O too!
God only wants the best for YOU, remember that
:)