Put Love First

If you don’t put love first, you will not be fulfilled. You could be busy with shopping, working, lunch dates, carpool, evening activities, exercise, social events, and TV programs—everything could be in order, the house could look great, work could be going well, your life could feel full—but if you don’t have love in your life, your heart will be empty and you will feel incomplete.

No matter how happy you might be with your lifestyle—no matter how much you value your job, your golf game, your friends, or your exercise routine—everything would be so much more meaningful and fulfilling if you put love first.

What if you don’t feel like loving? What if you’re angry or bitter? Love anyway. The best way to change how you feel is to change what you do. If you start loving you will start feeling different. If you wait until you feel different, you’ll be stuck forever.

-Mort Fertel

I'm not 100% sure why I chose this quote today. Maybe it's because I really truly believe in the value of marriage. I've learned so much in 2010. I learned how to love better and how resentments and bitterness can destroy a relationship. I do wish my husband could benefit from my changes, but it's is in God's hands, not mine. If my husband wont be the one to enjoy me, someone else will perhaps. Maybe it will be a new man, maybe it will be my son. In time. It will take time.

I'm patiently waiting for this time in my life to pass. I know it will take time to get from here to there. It's going to be a long haul. I'd better put on my trekking shoes and prepare myself for the journey.

The easy way out for both my husband and I would be to reunite. After some of the things I learned last week, the road to D is dirty, costly, ugly and takes a lot of work. If I weren't in love, I'd still chose marriage because I think it would be so much easier to fix a marriage than to travel up the legal road of D. If anyone is unhappy with their spouse today, please, look at my last 8 months and see how painful it is not just for the partners but for the children. Oliver is happy, but he has not come out unscathed. And he will have more pain to face in the future. It's senseless pain that he does not have to go thru, should not have to go thru, because I feel this problem is fixable and worth his parents’ time and effort. But I cannot control my husband or his choices.

When I can take my fear out of this, I can see the future and say, “What am I worried about? Of course Matt and I will reunite! It's silly to think he wont want this! How could he not? I'm the mother of his child! We have a wonderful son! There are ways to fall back in love with one another. Love is a verb, not a feeling. It's so much easier to reunite than to give up and move on. He has a beautiful woman, everything he has always wanted in me... I'm kind, fun, sexy, loving and a good mother. (Not to mention humble.) ;) I'm someone who gives her partner a lot of space; I'm not needy or clingy. Plus, Matt and I have a lot of fun together. And now I've done some work on forgiving, letting go, and I'm trying to practice a better way of communicating. How could a man say no to that?” Like a friend told me.... there are a ton of guys who would love to be married to me. I just hope that when he does come back, it's not too late. I've seen it happen in my own life more than once. Just when I have moved on, “he” comes back.

But when I am in fear? Those are dark days. That's too much time in my head. That's when God is far away, gone, and I see no hope, no choices, no options. I'm letting go of fear just for today.

So, in case you have been wondering or worried, I'm doing OK. I fell asleep last night without wishing, wondering, wanting and I awoke the same way. I barely had any energy yesterday, but I think it's because of a stomach flu I caught. I am so grateful that I've kept the bug at bay somewhat. Thank God for Airbourne and Vitamin C.

I have a few pix from the weekend that I'm hoping to share later tonight once I get some time to organize my photos and thoughts.

In the mean time, thanks for all your warm wishes, concerns, love, prayers and whatever else you are sending my way. I am feeling stronger today, and I am preparing myself for the future. Not easy, but it is what it is.