Have Yourself a Merry Little Christmas

Tonight Oliver is with Matt. I still dread these nights. In time that will change, I know.

Let your heart be light 

The work day has finally ended, although I'm still at my desk, wrapping up the last of the tasks. In the distance there is laughter as many of the employees are at the bar toasting to a great holiday. We are off tomorrow and then next day as well. I can hear “Have Yourself a Merry Little Christmas” playing on the company sound system. I haven't been able to listen to Christmas music this year at all. But for now I am able to hear this one song, and only just in this moment.

Next year all our troubles will be out of sight

Yes, I'm dreading the holidays for the first time ever. In fact, I hesitated ornamenting our tree with our traditional decorations. It's a different kind of holiday — one that needs new memories.

Have yourself a merry little Christmas
Make the yule-tide gay

It's our first Christmas apart since we started dating, 15 years ago. Oh, don't let your heart break for me, even tho mine is right now. Soon my home will be filled with laughter and lots of attitude as my family arrives in town. There is reason to celebrate. My Peanut is in awe of the magic of the season; my Pops is healthy and has overcome great hurdles.

Next year all our troubles will be miles away

I'm ready to let go. Not of my marriage, albeit, if Matt wants to file, I wont stand in the way. I've just learned yesterday a great many things. Many insights. I sent out a big prayer request, not only here on the Raising Peanut, but through my personal connections as well. The response I received was overwhelming, and I think that's how God connects to me, thru all of you. I'd like to share some of the wise words given to me and perhaps I will later.

Once again as in olden days
Happy golden days of yore
Faithful friends who were dear to us
Will be near to us once more

I am letting go of my will. One of the strongest statements I read yesterday was this: Perhaps its not your time to be a wife right now but I KNOW it is your time to be a Mom, Andrea.

Someday soon, we all will be together
If the Fates allow

And there were so many, many more. I'm sad, but not in the way that I have been sad. I think I'm sad that it may be a part of my life is ending. I'm not in shock anymore. I'm not in denial. I'm not bargaining anymore. I'm not trying to control the outcome anymore. I want nothing more than to do my best to keep my side of the street clean. To take care of Andrea. To be a loving mother to Oliver. To be a friend, sister, daughter, sister-in-law, auntie, mentor and employee. That's it for now. A child of God. An example. And allow myself to be carried. I need you all right now. Thank you for being here for me.

Until then, we'll have to muddle through somehow 

Yep, these dang holidays are hard. This year. But as Judy sings below, next year all our troubles will be miles away.

So have yourself a merry little Christmas now.

With love and gratitude, Andrea





Have Yourself a Merry Little Christmas

Have yourself a merry little Christmas
Let your heart be light
Next year all our troubles will be out of sight
Have yourself a merry little Christmas
Make the yule-tide gay
Next year all our troubles will be miles away
Once again as in olden days
Happy golden days of yore
Faithful friends who were dear to us
Will be near to us once more
Someday soon, we all will be together
If the Fates allow
Until then, we'll have to muddle through somehow
So have yourself a merry little Christmas now.

Written by Hugh Martin in 1944 and performed by Judy Garland

Note: There are many versions of this song, and a variety of lyrics. However, this version is the original and was first introduced by Judy Garland in the 1944 musical Meet Me in St Louis. If interested, feel free to read more about it here.