Christmas Tree 2010

Some stories are too painful to be read. That's how I feel about a few stories that I am interested in around the web. I can only read them so often because they truly break my heart.

That is how I feel about my own story. It must be painful for you all to read about. I get emails, comments and phone calls often. Thank you for those. Thank you for the support. My heart has been open for you all; my life is exposed, and it's been so incredibly painful for me. How much more can you read about? Aren't you tired of reading how hard this is?

I have tried letting go and moving on, and I did take some steps forward. I wonder when I will actually start to feel better, or to even feel any anger at all for this situation in my life. Right now, I have no anger. I have been in crisis mode. I have taken steps forward and a lot of steps backwards. You all say you see strength, but I see none.

In an effort to provide something uplifting, I thought I'd share what I sort of feel is a sad, very sad effort to enjoy this holiday season. On Saturday we made a journey to Home Depot for our tree. I was extremely surprised at how beautiful their trees were. For the past ... oh, I don't know... maybe 10 years or more my husband and I have cut down our trees. So this was nothing like last year's tree searching event. It broke my heart. It did! It did!!

Tree 2010

But the tree is beautiful. It sits in our living room waiting for me to find the energy and inspiration to decorate it. It sat so crooked. I've never had to put the tree into a stand. I did not want to solicit the help of my husband, but I did. He came over the next day and straightened the tree for us. Now it sits, bare, lonely in the living room. God please give me the strength to decorate it for my son. It's the only reason I have a tree this year.

The sweetest part of this whole story was the woman I met while I was photographing the tree on my car with my iPhone. She came over to me, made my son laugh (because my heart was breaking and I just couldn't do it) and she told me she was on her way to bring Christmas joy to a few unfortunate children who would otherwise be going without. I wish I would have snapped a quick pick of my angel of the evening who lightened my heart.

But look at how she made Oliver laugh when I didn't have it in me.

Tree 2010

Here's the funny part. This poor gentleman who tied the tree onto the car for me at first tied it in such a way that I could not open my door and get in. :) So he untied it, I got into the car, and he then fastened it right back up — the same way — only with me in the car. It's true. I was stuck in the car. Luckily I had scissors available and was able to cut my way out.

Oh my. I'm looking for the humor in my days and that evening I was able to chuckle.

By the way, did I ever mention how much I love that kid? He's just so adorable. I pulled out the wooden snowman decoration I have... you know, one of those crafty things. I got it at TJ Max for like $10, made in China sort of thing. Cute. Well, I showed it to Oliver and he said, "Frosty!" I asked him, "Where would you like to put this?" Immediately he went to the tree and placed it front and center.

I am a recovering Martha Stewart perfectionist. I think I mentioned that before. I always said I would never let my child decorate my home or the tree for that matter for Christmas. But he placed that snowman front and center, and my heart just melted. I couldn't believe it. He chose a home for it. And there it shall sit.

I promise. I'm motivated now... a bit anyway. I have to let go, think of me and what I deserve. I am not the best person in the world. You all see the best parts of me. My friends get the best parts of me. My family gets the second best parts of me. My husband sees my worst. Oliver sees me get crabby too. Matt has seen the absolute worst in me. For now, he defines me by my worst. I think that's how it is during a D. I am accepting that now. For now, he sees the yucky parts of me, and he's hurt by them and angered by them. Or maybe just sick of them. Ok, so I don't blame him. But today, after some careful thinking and reasoning it out.... I realize that does not define me. I just have to stay away from him for now. I have to quit going to the hardware store for bread.

So I promise. I will decorate that tree for my son. I will try to be more happy. More up-spirited. I will act "as if" and I will put on a happy face for my boy. In just a few short hours I will see that lovely child of God who placed that snowman smack front and center under that tree. And that's where it shall stay. I love him. I love myself. I love you guys for supporting me and telling me to keep on. (And I love caffeine... it works wonders I think for my attitude.) ;)



  1. i know you must hate getting advice
    but try to focus on what is in your ability to control

    if he won't let you be human - you're going through a horrible time right now, you're bound to have ups and downs - that is on him

    anyways, what i mean is you can't control him, or make him see you differently. you are what you are. you are human - a mix of good and bad - we all are

    you can never be perfect, nobody can

    regardless, you deserve to be loved wholly
    and you are lovable

    i don't know what the answer is

    just know you have lots of shoulders to lean on, including mine, if you need them



Post a Comment

Your comments are helpful! Thanks!