Failure Part Deux

Pick myself up, dust myself off, start all over again.

Little did I know how appropriate that Micheal Jordan video in my previous post would be for me today. I had the world in my hands the last few days. I had everything I had hoped for, prayed for and wanted — all in my lap.

And I blew it. I just blew it.

If you only knew, only knew what I did last night, how I acted, what I said. It was the same old me. All the changes I worked toward just flew out the window. What I said and how I acted did not bring my husband and I closer. After 6 months, last week Matt finally took a few steps toward me. He said some things that shocked me. He was honest. He was remorseful. He was an admirable man who admitted his wrongs and he let me off the hook. I would love to share the gift he gave me with you all. I know you'd be happy for me. But, after what I said and did last night, will he continue on that path? Can he in fact understand and forgive me? I learned some truths about him the last month. They were painful to learn. I have some work to do. Some forgiving to do. Some anger to let go of.

But the gift was taken back last night after what I said and did. Do I blame him? I don't know. Not really. He was quite patient with me, but we both have a lot of work to do. Marriage isn't easy when it takes a direction heading south. When there's old baggage, old hurt, old wounds — and add some new ones onto that (for me anyway). When two people don't want the same things or when they don't see things the same way. Then it gets really tough. When hurt feelings are involved. When people do the seemingly unforgivable. Then what? The fix becomes complicated, seemingly impossible — or is it? Counseling for us did not work. Why? I am not going to get into it here, today. There are ways to fix this. We just both have to want it and that's not the case right now.

For now, baby steps. I'm OK with that. If we can at least manage that, I'm grateful and hopeful.

I'm powerless over my husband. I'm powerless over my reactions. My life became unmanageable. Today I am faced with an emotional hangover.

So what do I do? The song that is playing in my head is one that Ginger Rogers sang to Fred Astaire in Swing Time (I think). Everyone knows I love old movies. I placed a video of it below. But in any case, here are the lyrics:


GINGER:

Nothing's impossible, I have found.
For when my chin is on the ground,
I pick myself up, dust myself off,
Start all over again.

Don't lose your confidence if you slip.
Be grateful for a pleasant trip,
And pick yourself up; dust yourself off;
Start all over again.

Work like a soul inspired
'Til the battle of the day is won.
You may be sick and tired,
But you'll be a man, my son.

Will you remember the famous men
Who had to fall to rise again.
So take a deep breath;
Pick yourself up; Dust yourself off;
Start all over again.

Pick yourself up; dust yourself off;
Start all over again.

* * * * *

I shared my story with a good friend. I asked him if I could post his response to me on my blog and he gave me permission. Here's what he said:

What do you mean not healthy? You sound fine to me, his words or your thinking? We all get angry in our lives. It's how we resolve the anger inside us that brings about change. Perhaps you need to look at that and really work on that in you. You don't sound like an angry person to me but I haven't pushed your buttons like he has....

Your right though not much you can do today or tomorrow or for a while. Let him come to his own resolution. It doesn't seem like he knows what he really wants just yet anyway. It's his movie and he is the only actor in it! We don't get a part in it!! We were in it and now we aren't. Take care of Andrea and Oliver! You have been doing that and continue to do it. And your father needs you as well! Please stay here for them!

You are not a loser or a messed up women, you're hurt and scared and it's ok to feel that way, but hold strong to knowing that there is a light at the end of the tunnel.

Please take care of yourself. Remember that there are so many people on the planet who have things so so so much worse than us, and I know that you don't want to hear that, but people love you, depend on you and genuinely want the best for you, so do your best and be your best. It's all I got for you. You can do this!!!

My heart aches for your pain it truly does,

Andy

* * * * *

Thanks Andy. Really. All of you who read this. All of you who know me personally. I have a lot of folks who see my flaws but still care for me. I just don't know if my husband is one of them. He cares, but he doesn't want my flaws in his life anymore because they hurt him. I get that. I say a prayer each day that asks God to remove my flaws and make me the woman He would have me be. I take actions that help me to be a better person. But change happens slowly. And I'm human, simply not perfect. Matt's coldness hurts like nothing else. How do I not take that personally? How do I find self-worth when someone I love so much rejects me? How do you find the courage to go on when the one person that matters most to you in life refuses to love you or to try to love you again?

Thanks everyone.