–adj; tending to evade grasp or pursuit

The weekend was fun. I had a few friends over Friday night for a book study. After they left, another friend stopped by, and we shared a bottle of wine. It was nice. I have about 6 bottles of wine in the basement that I have been saving. For what? I don't know. But it seemed appropriate to start popping those corks. Ah, aged wine. It's fabulous. Once you let it breathe a bit. Maybe it's time to buy a decanter.

Saturday & Sunday were nice too. I've been able to get a little cooking in finally. I'll have to get some pix on the site here for you because I've made organic lasagna, pizza, au gratin potatoes, grilled steak, pancakes, and more. Slowly my life pieces are falling into place. I'm starting to “remember” who I am and what I like. My days are growing longer, and I'm able to cross off items on my to do lists. It seems as if my plate got bigger. I'm finding myself able to get more done and even find a moment to nap or relax! Yep, naps rock. Plus, my home looks great. I've done a few improvements to it (again, I'll need to post some pix), and I even have a project lined up for the fall / winter. I might die of fumes getting 'er done, but at least I will go down in a really cute environment. ;) It's time for me to start living again and get my life in order so that I will be able to function and survive if my marriage does not work out. I will not be left feeling sorry for myself. I say that because it has been my tendency over the past 8 months months to think of myself as a rejected loser: over-weight, angry, not beautiful, not nice, not anything good. My best moments have been in the last two months, when I finally realized that it's not about me, that I am beautiful, that he is not the only man out there, and that I deserve to be treated with lots and lots of love and tender consideration.

But let me tell you, it's still not easy. Some days are virtually pain-free. Then there are days when my “ex” is the rogue felid that he is. Cool. Short. Aloof. Elusive. (I say this with love of course.) The pain locks comfortably back into place. My heart races. I'm vulnerable. I'm blind-sided. It takes a lot of energy to climb out of the dark sewer of destructive thought. When I near the top I take a breath and think, what am I doing this for? Don't I deserve better? In the morning, I know I do. I'm beautiful, young, thin, sexy, nice, caring, loving, kind and spiritual. I'm giving, joyful and passionate. I like myself. Who wouldn't want that in a woman? Plus I'm self-supporting. I have a good job and can take care of myself.

And one real sweet kid.

oliver addidas

Speaking of Oliver, I was able to hang with my little guy for two days. I'm constantly amazed at how he is growing, not only physically, but mentally as well. He comprehends things that I had no idea he knew. Hundreds of things. I'm constantly wowed. I now have a little comrade, a partner, a buddy. I'm still solely and wholly responsible for him — and that does a mother proud — but he's just moving on with or without me, growing each day into a separate individual with his own thoughts and ideas. What a funny little personality he has.

Of course those of you who are already parents are nodding and smiling right now. You know what it's like. This my first experience raising a child. I'm realizing how much influence I have, but I also am finding out that there are various influences in his life and that my job as a parent is one of constantly letting go. Eventually he will not be “mine” at all. He'll always be my son, but he'll be his own person... much like he is starting to learn to be right now.

All I can do is love him, guide him and teach him the best I can. The rest is up to God and the world. Lordie help me.

Hubbard Park November 2010