Where Have I Been?

So, where have I been? I'm sure you've been wondering.

Life took an unexpected turn a couple weeks ago. My days had become very sad, very hopeless, very futile. I sank into a deep, dark place, the pinnacle of which found me horizontal on the couch whilst my son ate cookies all morning long. They were organic, low sugar, but still. Those who know me know that I am anal about feeding my son a good, healthy, nutritious meal three times a day along with healthy snacks in between. Allow me to tell you about the worst day.

There was an event that my husband and I had attended for 10 years in a row with many of our good friends, but this year he was going sans moi due to our separation. I had secretly hoped we'd be at a point by now that we'd attend together. Sadly,this wasn't going to be the case. He made it clear: he's not ready. Once I realized this, I did make alternate plans for the evening which were somewhat fun. But then it hit. During the time that I would normally be getting ready for this event, I started to get really, really down. It hit me hard and came on strong and fast. I was tanking, spinning down, remembering all the past events, remembering the time with my husband and missing him terribly! Thankfully my father was at our home at the time. I asked him to stay for yet another hour, lest I completely fall apart. To make matters worse, this was happening on top of this dark place I'd been in the past couple weeks. Eventually I made it out of the house and sat in the company of friends. By the end of the evening I was feeling quite OK again. But morning came. And with it returned the darkness, the sadness, the pain. I shut my eyes. I could not face life. I managed my way to the couch were I lay, unable to find the energy to tend to my son and unable to participate in my own life. I just wanted to shut my eyes and not think about anything that was real in my life. My son played with his cars. He asked for cookies; I handed over the bag to him. I could not function.

You all say I'm a strong person. I don't feel that way. I am a fearful woman who has no choice but to face each morning, take care of my son on the days he's with me, find something, anything, to wear, and head into work where I put on a front to all around me. I put my worries aside and f.u.n.c.t.i.o.n. If I cry, it's secretively. I push away the pain and the thoughts of my personal life, and I take care of what's in front of me at work. After all, that's what they are paying me to do. Then I go to get my son, or I go and take care of whatever it is I have planned after work. There is no joy in these activities. I'm just doing for the sake of doing, passing time. Where's the strength in that?

The day I could not get off the couch an angel came my way. My friend Kim called that morning and after hearing the pain my voice told me she'd be right over. I was defeated, all I could muster was a weak "OK". I knew better than to decline a hand reaching out to me. I knew I was not able to face life. I was doing a poor job on my own. Within the hour, she was at my home. She listened to my woes during which I was able to get us coffee, feed my son, get some fresh air and make us lunch. She gave me a better perspective on my situation, inflating me with hope again. By the time my son napped, I was feeling better, altho I just wanted to sleep. We cleaned up my home, and I finished up some laundry. She literally picked me up out of the funk and breathed some life into me. I haven't gone down that dark tunnel since. Thank God. Thank Kim.

I have since visited with some professionals and we are on a plan of action to get me to feel back to my normal self, the self I was back in June, July and August. September I really took a dive. There are no words to describe September, and I'm just glad it's over. I'm in a better place now, getting back to where I was. Don't get me wrong, pain is still there. I'm still trying to get through the sadness. But I'm not in the gutter anymore. I am doing what I can to make sure that never happens again. Today life is OK. I'm OK. Oliver is OK. So that's all good.

I know you've been stopping by. I thank you. I just haven't felt like coming out from under the covers. But I can tell you now, I'm not horizontal. I'm back in life. I'm doing well actually.

So thank you. Thanks for still sticking around.

And by the way, thanks for voting for me! It's a close race. I'll let you know if I've won!