Sunday Morning

The week has passed, and we all made it thru. There was a big shift in me this week. Of course, it was due to what was going on with my father; my energies were focused there. I realized that I had to be strong to get thru this week.

Yet, there was an additional source for the shift in me. I attended a women's retreat last weekend. The gals there shared some personal tragedies of their own. They cried with me as they recalled their own stories and feelings, and they helped me to understand that my actions, feelings and pain are all natural and normal for what happened in my marriage. They told me I'd survive this. I told them it didn't feel like it. You will, they said. This week I began to realize that life will go on without Matt, and I questioned if I even wanted him back based on how he has acted in the past few years, and especially the past few months. I began to wonder what it could be like with someone who really loved me; someone who actually adored me or needed me? Someone who holds their marriage vows in high order, who puts family first. I'm actually starting to feel attractive enough and good enough to really deserve someone like that. Altho, I can't really imagine it. I'm like the frog who is in boiling water but doesn't realize it. And now, my greatest pain is to let go my dreams for my son. Would I have chosen to have a child knowing our marriage would end? Probably not. But who knows. Just weeks before Matt left I was filled with joy and thought about how dedicated we were to one another, that we'd never part. Little did I know.

What do you do when one person leads a double life — not telling you what is really going on? What do you do when a person has the capability to make decisions based on the best interest of self and not the family? When a person can become hostile? When your friend becomes your adversary? The wall my husband puts up has the power to actually kill. It's can be that cold at times. October has been a much better month for us. September — not so good. I had the worst dream last night. When I awoke, reality, for the first time, was so much more comforting than my nightmare. But today, I have a sick feeling in my stomach. Maybe my nightmare is my reality. My intuition, which has never been wrong, tells me so, despite what my husband says. It's so much more comfortable to live in denial. It's safer. Less pain. One is in a bubble surrounded by thoughts that one wants to be true, needs to be true.

I have a new motto that I use when I think of my husband. I say it when he texts me, when he calls me, when he drives away from me, when he shares information with me. It's my new survival skill. It helps me detach from him, from the situation; it gives me strength and power to let go.

I wish all weeks could be like this one past. Not that I want to have a life and death crisis each week. But it was a good week. One that proved to me God was present. One that showed me the power of prayer. One that showed how a community of friends can really carry a person and a family. It was astounding how many people were praying. It was astounding how many people called, emailed, texted and showed face. I felt no pain this week and very little worry. Not one tear.

Today I can exhale. With that comes a bit of heartbreak. Maybe it's time to stop dreaming, hoping and living in denial. Sometimes I think there's more behind the scenes that I'm not aware of. But should I give up hope? Should I really give up? I think the answer is to just let go, to go on as if he isn't returning. I'm getting myself together for Oliver and for me. Building myself back up again. Focusing on becoming whole and healed. I can still love Matt while I do those things. I can still pray for my marriage. But in the mean time, I am returning to a functioning state and the possibility of happiness — with or without Matt. Then if somewhere down the road Matt comes back, I will be a strong woman ready to try again.* I'm not pressing for a decision today. I don't know how I'll feel tomorrow or later this week. I don't know what the future holds. Soon enough I will know. Soon. I know I wont be in limbo forever.

I pray you all are still there for me when that day comes because I will definitely need you just like I needed you this week.

Thanks everyone....

pumkin farm med

photo courtesy of Oliver's dad

*Thank you to my dear friend Pamela for those beautiful and influential words of encouragement.


Post a Comment

Your comments are helpful! Thanks!