This is the keyword for me. I'm talking about my marriage. I still have hopes to work things out. I think it's possible. But I have to summon up the patience of a snail if I'm to succeed. I am ready for the task and willing to face life straight on.

My morning ritual includes reading from 4 daily readers each day. Each reader reminds me (constantly) to rely on God to comfort me and to get me thru this difficult time. I am trying. Trust me! I want nothing more. My prayers have shifted (somewhat) from, Please bring my husband home! to Please give me the strength to succeed no matter what the outcome. And I couldn't ask for better daily reminders. Really.

So what are my readers? I read God Calling by A. J. Russell; Around the Year with Emmet Fox by Emmet Fox, Jesus Calling by Sarah Young (this was just recently given to me) and then One Day at a Time.

From the day I received it, Jesus Calling seems to be the one that speaks to my situation in particular. For that reason, I begin with this book each morning. Today's reading stated:
Most of mankind's misery stems from feeling unloved. In the midst of adverse circumstances, people tend to feel that love has been withdrawn and they have been forsaken. This feeling of abandonment is often worse than the adversity itself.... My Presence watches over you continually. I have engraved you on the palms of My hands.

Then, as if that reading didn't state it clearly enough, God Calling today said:
I will never leave thee, nor forsake thee.
There is no bond of union on Earth to compare with the union between a soul and Me. 

Emmet Fox is taking his readers thru the 10 Commandments starting August 1st. Today's reminder is:
What is the beginning of the First Commandment? "I am the Lord thy God." Our trouble in life nearly always is that we think, "In the beginning Me." That is very human but it does not get us a revelation. Moses had his revelation...God and man are one.

And my One Day at a Time shared:
A big step toward maturing is to realize that I cannot change conditions by running away from them. I can only change my point of view about them and their relation to me—and this can only be done by changing myself.

And then my capricious son at the mercurial age of 2 says to me each morning, "Get up mama! Let's go mama! Come on mama!" and so my day begins. He wants me to sit up, get up, head over to his cars or trains with him and then sit with him while he plays. I get to sit with him, but he reminds me that I have to stay out of his way as well. (Hmmm, sounds like my spiritual lesson for the day!) It's fun. Really. It is. I get to practice my patience with him, and truly it's easy, breezy, beautiful (to quote Covergirl). I love it.

Life can be sweet and momentous while remaining still and simple. Not every weekend needs to be filled with roller coaster rides. In fact, we accomplished very little this weekend. I mean, I did the usual loads of wash, hung the clothes on the line, cooked (somewhat), cleaned up, visited with my father and then some friends, hit the playground, beach, grocery store, read books to Oliver, watched movies, went for a walk in the big red wagon... and that's about it. No major adventures or road trips. But life is an adventure. We are adventuring into new ground. Life without a spouse (for now) is my new reality, and it's staring to become my new normal. I can't imagine Matt being home right now. He can't just walk in the door anymore. It's probably not going to happen for quite some time, if ever.

I say "if ever" because we have actually talked briefly about selling our house. If we were to get back together, it probably would not be in this home.

But you know what? That's all in the future.

I am practicing staying in today. Because today I'm OK. Oliver's OK. We are OK. Matt and I are getting along. We have throughout this whole ordeal. The respect between us is a blessing and comes naturally. Not many separated couples can say that. So, we are all OK, just for today. I can't change the past. The future still terrifies me, so there's no need for me to go there right now.

Just for today, we are all OK.

For now, I am doing my best to practice patience. Matt needs to figure some things out. I think it's going to take a lot of patience on my part. I know it's going to be hard for me. I know this isn't going to be easy. But the most loving gift I can give him is the space to do what he needs to do. Do I have expectations? You bet. I wish I didn't. Fears too? I'm full of 'em. But I am clinging to hope. I'm trying to stay positive. And in the mean time, I am focusing on myself and our son. I have a big job in front of me: Raising Peanut. It's the best, most exciting and rewarding job in the world! The pay is great and the benefits are spectacular. I wouldn't trade it for anything! And Peanut keeps me going thru these tough times. He's kept my feet firmly planted on the ground (and out of under the covers) and he's teaching me how to adapt to the circumstances and enjoy life no matter what.