It's been an up and down kind of week. On the 4th, Matt and I came home from a 5-day trip we had planned before we split. There were some really nice moments, and generally speaking, things are moving in the right direction... that is, I will say, I did all I could do. I'll leave it at that for now.

Christiana left last night. I said my goodbyes to her on Monday night, without tears for once. She was able to spend (finally) some time alone with Matt w/o Oliver Monday evening, and she was overjoyed. He is her son after all. I felt bad that Matt was not able to spend more time with her, but that's Matt's deal, not mine. I spent several days with her. Matt had to work. It's not easy owning your own business. Vacation days and vacation pay don't really exist in those kinds of circumstances.

My heart is heavy today. To be honest, I just want to crawl in bed and cry, but I don't have that luxury. I'm at work today and immersed in a big project which is so good for me! However, my marriage breaking up hurts more than when my mother died — another time in my life when I was devastated. I can finally find joy now in my son, so that's good. Yet my heart is breaking, and the floor has been ripped out from under me. I'm just starting to get my bearings again. I'm not doing any of this perfectly. I'm trying to get some self-esteem back and find the good in myself and my life again. It's really tough letting go of a marriage. Really... it's the hardest thing I've ever had to do.

And everyone is right. It's a two-way street, and there's a lot from the weekend that was not cool with me. I can't make Matt change into what I want or need, so I have to start looking at how I can make my life work without him.... a very, very sad and difficult thing for me to do. It's tough to let him go. I do need more from him and that makes it a challenge to live with what he has to offer right now. Maybe (it's my hope that) he will change, but I guess I can't hang my hat on that desire. I have to start moving forward as if he wont come home. :(

There were a lot of great things from the weekend that were so different from the way it was only 2 short (long?) months ago. This weekend Matt was warm, open, loving and very thoughtful at times. Back when Matt left he was like someone I had never seen or met before. He was no longer my husband. He was a stranger to me, someone who's eyes were empty and vacant. His heart cold.

This weekend was different on many levels. We spent some time together alone and were able to connect. So I do have some hope, and I guess I will hold onto that in some small way.

I'm at a point however, where I just don't know what the future holds. Some days it looks so positive... talking about where we might move to next, things we could perhaps do together in the future, laughing and sharing stories about Oliver... and then the next moment moves in without warning and future hopes are smashed and a new reality sets in. I feel a brush of cold wind and I'm alone in my love, my hopes, my dreams and desires.

I wish this on no one.