Some Days are Still Quite Difficult

Hello friends. It's one of my summer Friday's off and Oliver is asleep.  We went to the park with my friend Robin, Auden her two-year old son and Baby Isla. Maybe you remember them?

Robin and Baby Isla


Oliver and Auden had a lot of fun on the canoe...

Auden and Oliver

Auden and Oliver

Then nearby was the Urban Ecology Center which was a lot of fun for the boys. Oliver & Auden got to see snakes, turtles and fish. Pretty cool stuff.

Urban Ecology Center, Milwaukee

Auden and Oliver

Despite the morning's activities and the good company I was in, I'm still in muck. Today is filled with pain, and it's a pain I just can't shake no matter how hard I try. Matt and I had another session last night and I cried all the way home and into the night. This morning it resumed. Even now, I just feel unmotivated and would just love to crawl into bed and waste the rest of the day away .... maybe even the next few days.

This is still difficult time. It's been 2 1/2 months and I had hoped I'd feel better by now. I have a feeling I'm in for the long haul. Although there is a marked improvement with how Matt and I have been getting along the last month and a half, there doesn't seem to be too much movement forward in Matt's feelings for me. It feels like he'll never come home. I don't think he's even close to it at this point. Our separation was not meant to be temporary, but as Matt had searched back in May for a place to live, he started having second thoughts. He found a temporary lease which will be up at the end of August. However, he has admitted that this will take a lot more time. He's not sure why he doesn't want to come home. He just doesn't.

I think under other circumstances, a separation could be easy. But add a marriage, a history, and a two-year old little boy into the picture and the process gets longer, more drawn out and a little bit tougher to move through. I realize I have been keeping hope alive for us, and it's true, there is a chance. Today however, that chance seems far away and not within reach at all. It seems like Matt will never come home, and I am being honest with you right now: I don't think he's even close to it. This hurts because I have made a lot of changes on my side, and we spent 5 days in San Antonio together. But, in all honesty, there's really nothing I can do. I'm so powerless over Matt and how he feels. It really sucks, but that's how it is. I feel I'm trying as much as I can. It's not in my hands anymore. Yesterday's reminder of that has brought be down, brought the pain back to the surface.

I'm trying to move forward. I have a lot of fun things planned for the weekend. I'm trying not to fall apart in front of my son so that I can be an example to him of how to move through this. I have been reminded that he will survive this... and truly, no one's life is perfect. I can't think of how it will affect him if we divorce, because that just makes me so sad. I can't go there — right now.

If you have a husband and kids at home, please don't ever take any of that for granted. Life is short. I know this now more than even. I wish I could turn back the clock but I can't. So here I am, trying to move thru this stuff. It's hard. Let me be the first to admit, I don't want to get dressed, shower, take care of Oliver, go to work, see my friends.... but I have no choice. If I don't, I'll die and I can't do that. Life's about living. Even though it's hard right now, I can't give up on my own life. I can't let this bring me down too far. I just wish I knew how to make this pain go away!

Thanks! :)