A Small Moment of Relief

This weekend I think prayers have been answered. No, things are not radically different. Every sad thing that has entered our lives is still there. But I have some relief from the pain. Not much — it's transient — but it's there, and it's real. In this moment, I relish it. I can breathe. I can feel good about myself. I have hope, not just that the outcome will be what I want, but that I'll be OK... no matter what.

The day was not all good and peachy...... I cried, as I do every day, more than once. But just for tonight, I'm OK. A friend came over and helped me clean my hoarding of boxes and together (mostly her) we rearranged the bedroom (pix to come). Just for a few hours, I actually forgot my problems. Just for a few hours, I laughed, I felt good, I didn't think about what's going on in my life.

I also took a few other actions today. I did some things that normally I'd ask my husband to do. Instead, I made a few calls, got the answers I needed and fixed a problem that not even Matt had addressed. Wow. I'm  proud of myself actually.

What I'm going thru is not easy, but everyone tells me it will get better. Last night a girlfriend came by and gave me hope. She encouraged me and gave me great examples of what I could do to help my family. It was amazing. The pain around my heart was removed then. I still had a stomach ache and was shaky, but having at least my heart able to pump some blood into my veins again was a good thing! I have real physical reactions to my situation: I feel a strong squeeze surrounding my heart, I feel like my throat is swollen, and I have butterflies or a sick feeling in my stomach. Trifecta. To top it off, my arms often feel numb, I cry all the time and I'm not hungry. I went to my WW meeting today. I'm seven pounds lighter than I was May 1st. Last night my girlfriend ordered really yummy pizza. I didn't think I was hungry. But I'm certain I ate half the pie. (And then I felt sick b/c I don't think my stomach has felt that full in the last two weeks.)

Today two other friends came by and helped me clear away piles from our dining room. Support. Something to do while Oliver slept. Not alone. It was good. My heart hurt badly. After they left I took a shower and my mother-in-law called. More bad news. I felt the blood fall from my head. She just repeated much of what I had already known and although I love her dearly, it was a distressing conversation, removing some of the hope I was given the night before.

But when my girl friend came tonight, that was a different story. There are no words to explain how she carried me thru the evening and left me in such good spirits and full of resounding strength and a slice of the gal I was not that long ago. Maybe it is possible to get thru this. Maybe I will get better. Maybe I wont want my old life back. Maybe it's not worth it. Maybe. Maybe. Maybe. I don't know.

You're probably trying to guess what's going on now. Maybe you've even figured it out. I have decided I will tell you. But right now my family does not know, and my priority is to let them know first. Then I'll be able to share my journey with you as I walk through the fire.

Thanks for all the prayers. I have people praying all over the US for us. I still can't feel God, but I'm hoping that's because He's carrying me right now.