Rollercoaster

I know you're probably wondering what's going on. I still cannot share. There are ups and downs each day. The last part of the week was wonderful. Mother's Day was pretty sweet. We all had a fabulous brunch. A few things made me sad: watching someone turn his back to someone at the table. Body language says so much. But focusing on the positive... I know I'm being the best mom I can possibly be to Oliver even during this rough time in my life. Matt is a great father to him also. Oliver knows he is loved. And his grandpa (my dad) is his hero. Grandpa always brings presents. On Mother's Day, Oliver got a police car, a school bus and a mail truck (which he insists in an ice cream truck). That is one happy and loved kid.

I wore my mother's 1940's suit coat to brunch. I pinned a corsage upon the lapel, just like my mother used to do on Mother's Day every year. I felt like a black & white movie star. I bought myself a bouquet of flowers too. I arranged and cleaned the living room so it wouldn't look like a crack house anymore. Matt did some cable / hooking up / man-stuff after brunch.

While Oliver slept is when I began to hit me again that life is not exactly going to be the same anymore, at least for a while. I hope know someday it will be better than this, but for today, I just need to put one foot in front of the other, take care of myself, my son and do what's in front of me. My head is a dangerous place to be and I can't let myself be alone in there too often. When I imagine a future that is not turning out the way I hope and dream it will, I begin to choke.

Like Matt said on Sunday, "focus on the positive" and I'm trying really hard to hang on to some hope.

Thanks all.....